Depressed But Happy

Can you laugh, chuckle, watch a comedy show with such great enthusiasm, barrel out a belly laugh-Look at the cartoon section in the newspaper and laugh even under your breath.  I can, but I also suffer from depression.  I can look at a photo of myself, smiling (of course a selfie)  and know that during that time I was depressed.  Would anyone know it.  I got so sick of myself talking to others...saying "Ya, I have depression"  Does anyone really care...do they even know how it feels.  When you can become so numb to the world around you, go day in and out, dragging yourself.  Where a usual cup of coffee and a great song on the radio would be all you would need to perk yourself up in the morning, just does not happen so much.

I have been depressed many times through out a year.  It is almost so systematic now, I can tell by the end of the summer that I have to endure another depression, sadly of course.  Then coming out of winter, I try to remain calm because the Sun affects me in such a way, I get so over zealous, over joyed to the point of break down.  People in my circles knows this and have treated me with great respect.  Looking at a photo of me in the dull of winter, one would hardly know.  I have stopped telling people about it as if it is a show and tell type of scenario.  I did though come to terms with it.  I know what is my pick me up and it is not a mere cup of coffee and a great song on the radio. 

I know what works, but do forget to pay du diligence to my care tactics.  I do Isolate myself and this part is hard.  I see woman my age having a great time together, easily enjoying a day out or in with dinner, wine, chatting like us woman love to do.  I tend to exclude myself, the fear or anxiousness I have about being so chummy with other people does tend to riddle my nerves.  I can say hi, nice weather and I keep it at that.  Social anxiety of not feeling included or even good enough to be hanging around with a crowd.

 Where did this anxiety come from?  Most likely years of being depressed, paranoid, pent up with hallucinations.  Excluding myself, purposely on my end is my way I believe of being in control of who is going to see me at my worst.  If I just say Hello and Goodbye to the people in my near to social circles, then they won't be able to see me at my worst, when I am depressed, paranoid, or having a hallucination.  Then it is in my control of who see's me like this.  In the end No one see's me like this, except my Family.  They have a hard enough time with it and so do I.  I don't need to become emberrased or feel like a burden, say things I don't mean, do things out of the ordinary.

With this, I have somewhat been able to keep my health to myself.  My husband knows and carries on with me, he has been the best at not making it a big deal and not even making it seem like that is who I am, paranoid, or depressed.  He carries on with me and their is no talk of my way of thinking, my obsurd thoughts at times.  He goes along with me, will smile, carry on conversations where I know in the past others would have thougth strange or weird and then take it upon themselves to ridicule, abuse and then of course abandon me.  My Family has been there and I guess that is what Family is for...the ups and downs the thick the thin, the good the bad and the ugly.

Now I can laugh my way through depression, smile, eager to start the day most times, even looking out at grey and bleak snow.  I take the good with the bad, have an extreme amount of good days, the bad ones...we tend to just ride out.  I know the age I am at now, the woman in my life, would not laugh, or make fun.  The feeling I get though around others gets hard, difficult.  Not wanting to make close ties with people as too many have left thinking a friendly relationship with me is too hard, too difficult, never understanding that beneath it all, I am just as fun and happy as they are....even if depressed. 

I have become a veteran at mental health, feeling well most often, no one would ever know.  Carrying a deep secret like this though, does become overly exhausting to hide.  In turn, I do still tend to hide, within my creature comforts, my television, my family, the radio, my writing, people who know me but still can put my illness aside.  It is hard to hide, so I tend to not try to hide it, isolating myself is much easier at this stage. 

Maybe further along my road, I will manage to become friends with others, more so.  Become close with people, feeling that I don't have to hide.  Maybe I will meet people with like minds, and feel like I have known them my whole life, going on shopping trips, lunch dates and leaving our worries behind as we chat and giggle about the cute waiter who just served us.  Friends are hard to come by, good ones, may only happen once in a lifetime- I REALLY HOPE NOT.