Dig Deeper

I ask myself daily, sometimes hourly.  What can I do to improve my character, perhaps I have to look within in order to change.  Most times I do.  I had my first ever adult AHA moment, that we hear a lot about.  I did not know what this meant years ago, thinking an AHA moment, was some magical gift.  Actually what I found that it is and was for me, is being open for change.  My AHA moment was a great understanding that I had to and still have to work on me, my character.  Of course with out being a people pleaser.  If anything be true to you, but I now believe everyone may need just a little more adjusting, a little more inner work and a little more room to grow.  Instead of pointing fault or fingers at everyone, which I have done...Dig Deeper!  Having a Son, has taught me this.  Drama, Drama, Drama out the window, no room for Drama, more room or diaper changing, feedings, providing love, necessities and nourishment, meeting my Sons needs 24 hours, like all the Moms I know do.  In order to have more time for him, I had to cut out the crap.  Cut out the crap in my inner thinking, believing, and acting.  No time for the Drama.

I had to first Dig Deeper within my value system, what morals and values do I have that will be beneficial to him, my Son-later in life.  What do I want to teach him, show him and what type of Life do I want for him and our family.  There had to be discussions along the way with my partner and I.  As a couple it was key that we believed in central values, central morals and beliefs or it would not have worked.  We clicked long ago and our life together was set in motion.  I worked on me, when I met my husband and partner (Same Person) ;) I can honestly say, I do not know that girl back then, we grew together and we ultimately survive together.  We have overcome many things.  But what about us, what can we look in us to change or not necessarily change as EVOVLE.  What can we learn from certain situations, what can we count on, what beliefs hold true and what will lead the way?  I looked within.  I had to Dig Deep. 

The people who I come into contact with through my writing, either near or far, I had to really live up to what I was speaking about.  Not just on good days, not on only Sunny days, but all days, all hours and of course all the time.  When I started out on this journey, there was a lot of Evolving; I thought I was done-I am not done yet!  Cutting out the crap in my life that I WAS IN CHARGE OF, was heavy!  Habits had to be broken, I had a 12 cup coffee a day habit, which of course is more then enough to stay awake.  My intake of sugar was also on a rise, other habits, Drinking being one, I quit and left in the past.  I had to feed myself more nourishing foods.  Medication that I was prescribed that I knew was not good for me, had to be weaned off totally.  I had to include sleep, and relaxation and exercise.  I had to include along with all of these things BOUNDERIES.  Would anyone listen though?  What if I shout it from a roof, of course not a good idea at any time.  Who would listen?What bounderies did I want to establish and why?  I knew within as my AHA moment was cast upon me that I had to think, believe, and act in order to spread any amount of positivity.

I knew as a positive being, that negativity was seeping in.  I knew that I was allowing it.  I would kick myself at every blunder of a negative response-thinking  Wait, Wait, this is not me...why was I allowing the negative to creep in?  Who would ever take me seriously then?  Not my Son if anyone...  Last year I was a blunder of Positivity and hope, years before I found the positive in my life that I needed and believed in.  I knew that if I let the positivity out and the negativity in, my life would be much like when I started on this journey.  I did NOT want to know THAT girl again.  So I had to dig deep.

I did.  I was mad at myself for the negativity around me, and within.  I had to really set bounderies then, what was right in my life and my Sons-as well as my immediate family and surroundings had to be taken seriously.  Instead of complaining, I had to do something about it.  Do NOT Allow abuse, don't abuse myself, don't allow abuse in nor around my environment in any form.  A healthy life-NO DRAMA.  Rich with positivity, that could ooze out our pores.  I was not going to take it anymore, and knew that I had more work to do in the positivity department that I believe so highly in, value, and hold true to my heart.  I was not being authentic enough to me...this year was giving me a sour taste and I had to seriously look at the good and completely forget the unwanted behaviours.  I had to endure and quickly find myself at peace, surround myself with loving, caring people, friends, neighbours, people that I could trust, souls that had depth and goals, aspirations to be a positive person themselves and a disposition of respect and calm. 

I had to fill my soul with things that I like.  Which really were the basics long ago when I started out on this journey of mental health recovery.  What do I like, Who do I like, Where do I like to be, and so on.  I had to ask myself tough questions.  In the end and beginning of my AHA moment of digging deep, I was the one and only one who could evolve from this to grow, to provide positivity to myself, for myself and in turn, family, loved ones and friends.    The answer was clear, "bounderies" of allowing only positive in my life at all times, not just on Sunny days, not just on great or good hair days, all the time, every hour, each minute and second, rain or shine and every day!

I thought WOW, people are really getting the Positivity that we have in this life, what we all have, they have tapped into it, I talk of it so much, but was allowing it to be spoiled-almost...not quite.  I thought, I had better fine tune my thinking and real quick, this is not just a topic I enjoy immensely, it is one that I hold dear to my heart, and attest to live by.  I needed work, an adjustment.  Of course trying not to be hard on myself, knowing that I am not done yet and too, am human.  Now, I enjoy the I dropped the crap, and shut the door on negativity, who needs a frowner anyways?  Not me, why would anyone else?  In that sense, yes of course there are good days, and frenzy hair days.  Though, there is a heck of a lot of good, great, wonderful, awesome, beautiful, glorious and as well TERRIFIC things and beings in this amazing LIFE... if you dig that much deeper, within, and then without.