The Sinking Feeling

I walk through the doors, it is my first day-feeling tense and nervous already.  This is my new place of work.  Where I will reside for the next years, to make ends meat.  Having bills to pay, a house, car, having to put food on the table.  But-I am nervous.

I walk through the door-here I go.  I smile, a shy yet slanted smile.  People smile, but have the wonderment in their eyes.  "Will she work out".  The boss shows me to the lunch room where I can hang my coat and put away my purse.  Show time!

I fumble of course, as it is only my first hour on the job.  People look and stare, politely though.  I feel their stares now even when my head is turned.  I drop a pen on the floor and pick it up, while stepping towards my desk I trip lightly, catching myself and then I sit.  Still feeling the hovering of glares above, around and even beneath me.  I end the day and say "OH I love it here, I had the best day."  The boss returns and says..."We love having you here, I hope you stay on with us"  Just the pep talk I would need for the next coming weeks.

I turn around smile at the others, they smile and nod politely and say "How did you like it"?  "Oh it is fantastic, I am really excited".  "Ohh...it's easy they said, you will get the hang of it".

All eyes are on me, the new kid in town.  I brave the weather and come back to work for a second day.  I walk in 5 minutes to starting my shift.  Everyone seems so busy, working away, phones ringing-handling their work tasks like a Lion Tamer.  Bouncing around, helping each other out where it is needed.  Making jokes that only they would get, from years past, teasing each other with the look off sass and zest.  I sink into my chair, hoping that one day I could possibly be the butt of an office joke. 

My phone does not ring, I turn on my PC and login.  I scratch my head, thinking that by doing that it may pass the day, or better yet, may look like I know what I am doing.  Today the staff are way to busy to concern themselves with the new girl.  I grab a tissue and wipe my computer and keyboard.  In hopes to look just as busy and on the ball as the rest of the crew.

I tend to my work the best I can, try to look like I fit in.  Smiling when someone looks my way-sheepishly.  Hoping in my heart of hearts that I don't screw up.  I start to read the manual, which I had already read yesterday...But really want to get the guidelines and ethics down.  The phone rings, I jump but hesitate at the same time.  One ring, two rings...I frantically yet professionally look for the "PHONE SPEEL"    Pick it up, say the speel...answer the questions I do know, press hold-although forgot to tell the person on the other end, who may or may not be someone very important, a VIP or CEO.  I then regain control and press TALK, "Oh Can you hold"?  Even though they already heard the soft music in the back ground.  I smile, to look diligent and respectful.

I shout to my co workers, "Does anyone know who is the bla bla bla and where is the bla bla bla and when did the bla bla bla occur"?  "NO"  was the answer as my resources are nill and next to nothing.  I walk up to the boss lady, ask her about the who's and the how's saying so and so is on the phone.  She gives me direction.  "PHEW".  Task almost complete, pick up the phone, give the customer the best answer I can, although I stumble my way through it.  Hang up!

Think then that this would be a great time to go and use the washroom to catch my breath for a few minutes.  As I come out from the washroom the door looses me and somehow slams behind me, I look back in a startle and smile, delighted in the fact that I am still here and think to myself it is only first week jitters.

I smile and tilt my head at one of my co workers to at least gain a sympathy vote.  Again, as I walk by, every one seems to be staring, looking at my shoes, then glancing all the way up to my eyes and then hair.  Making sure that I wore the right outfit and that my shoes match with my ensemble.  I sit, grab a pen, tap it three or four times on my desk.  Looking serious and ready to take on the next task. I peek at the clock, wow I have only been here for 20 minutes, feels like some how 2 hours have gone by.  I then count how many hours left.-A whole day!

I gaze around the room, everyone is still very busy.  No one is paying attention to me and my fumbles although I feel a tension that feels almost like a tight rope hooked on to each and every one of them and then me, then, wrapped around my neck in a choke hold, but still smiling. 

I have that sinking feeling for months.  Everyday is much the same, hoping that my bathroom breaks would help the time go by and make me look terribly busy.  Hoping to look polished at what I am doing.  Answering the phone, hoping not to be stumped so that I won't have to bother anyone.  The stares and glares are being shot around the room like a ping pong ball and I am their aim.  I smile, maybe to much as it looks like everyone is sick of me smiling all the time, now their smiles also come with a roll of the eyeballs as I force them to smile; feels like a smurk to me now and I wish I could stop.

There are busy days and not so busy days.  My butt usually gets sore by 11:00am.  I am still reading through the manual when I am bored, also reading all of the literature that was ever printed about this organization, wanting to be more productive, even though I have read and re read everything I could 10 x over.  Looking skillful when I do it, so no one barks, or bites.  I look again at my job duties and it seems like I am doing all of them.  But why do I have this sinking feeling?

A few people stop at my desk, say a few words, idle chit, chat.  Though they don't know how they have brightened my day.  I have sticky notes all over my computer at this point in a square formation.  Little tid-bits about the company, the protocol, the address, my job and codes that I am using.  I treat the customers great so that is a bonus.  Although I hymm and hahhh an awful lot and someone usually comes to my aid.  Then we talk about the how's and why's and what to do next time.  Them telling me, "You will get it, it will all fall together soon"  I go to the photo copier to print something out.  The printer get's jammed. 

I don't show up the next day.