I use to think that I was just a giving, nurturing person. That was what I told myself anyway; "I just love to give, I'm a giver, oh I am here to give to you, what do you need, what do you want" With that
overcompensating in all my interactions with bosses and coworkers and within my family. I came to understand, the reason I go above and beyond is much more about my feelings of having a mental illness -Bipolar.
With this perspective, it allowed me to feel "good" about my relationships with co-workers, family, and friends. I felt that if I gave my time, my resources, any material gifts, at a peaking constant level, I believed then that these gestures would somehow make me feel included, accepted and valued. Having a mental illness, I realise that the giver in me goes much deeper than just wanting to be accepted and valued. Recently, I was shocked to learn the true reason that my relationships tend to suffer so gravely, how opening my eyes to the conclusion that I am actually, an overcompensating junkie.
At work, I would show up early and stay late. Early would mean two hours early and late would mean two hours late, getting the day started with all my ruffled feathers, believing that I need to do more, be more, function better, produce more, see more clients, make more. All because with me I carried a large and long secret of having a mood disorder. In a work setting, I would make sure that I would be more
pleasant, make sure that my smile was bigger, my hello's and good mornings would always be cheery, I would show up with brownies and refreshing drinks on a hot day, I would utter sorry every time someone looked my way. Sitting at my desk, I would answer the phone first, I would even clean and organise the workspace including bathrooms, lunchrooms, collect coworker's garbage. As I went about my day satisfied with my performance, telling myself that I am such a wonderful giving person, this thought would help me feel better about the doormat that I was to become. Hiding my illness with tricks of giving and overcompensating became my way of handling a poorly functioning tool, though I handled my illness well, my relationships I did not.
Overcompensating has been a pattern of mine since I turned 21, finding myself in the hospital, leaving with a diagnosis of "mentally ill". That was when I decided to turn on the giving charm, I reinvented myself, I said yes often, I lost my ability to think for myself, I started to care what everyone thought of me and would act in a way that I thought was expected of me. Lying to myself thinking that the magic solution I needed to survive was to give away everything. I told this lie often.
I could only keep up to these pursuits for so long before I would crash and burn. Over time in any of
these relationships, I became irritated and annoyed with the pattern of my making. At work: "Oh I have to clean the bathroom again I see, well that is enough of this, being used like this". Not realising that no one was even asked to clean the bathroom, finding out after six months on the job that we actually have nightly cleaners that do this. What a sheepish embarrassment on my part. Still, these patterns have crossed through, in and around, sitting hazily in every corner of my life.
I was giving my way to the top, just to feel as though I mattered. Becoming a disgruntled employee who gives it all away, shutting the door, confused not understanding why? Meanwhile, showing up two hours early certainly makes a great employee, but not a long lasting one. The pace I was keeping, overwhelmed with the demands that I put only on myself. I would walk away from these
relationships, these jobs, the places I lived, towns and cities. I would, to start fresh somewhere else, hoping it will all be different this time. Not ever realising that I created these unhealthy dynamics. For so long it puzzled me as to why I always felt used, allowing myself to be used.
Overcompensating became a self-sabotaging pattern that I created. Waking up in a hospital bed at the age of 21, leaving that bed with my bags and Bipolar would create this.
Knowing this has been a rescue! Today I am able to have and maintain many wonderful and encouraging relationships. They have been created out of care and nurturing instead of compromising them with my poor charm methods of giving. Knowing that I am valued just for showing up, not having to do backflips to keep a friend, a job or important family member. Not needing to show
my worth has been an incredible and glorious understanding in having loving, positive, wonderful, gratifying and satisfying relationships. That I am sure will be long lasting, as long as I don't volunteer to clean anyone's bathroom inappropriately, I am sure these relationships will outlast my ways of overcompensating.
