The Embarrassing Illness

Having a mental illness, comes with much heart ache, much turbulence, and many days and nights filled with such horrific feelings of dread.  The days spent trying to rid yourself from panic attacks, or tears that are shed on your pillow, from loneliness, many days trying to feel something rather then the numb sensation of nothingness.  The mood fluctuations, the paranoia, the secrets you have to keep from other's just so you can get by and somehow fit in with the group.  The fake smiles, the determination it takes to get through yet another day riddled with fear, sadness, the complete loss of hope.  The mind becomes scattered, thoughts are random and dream like, the perceptions surrounding the person with a mental illness is horrific and confusing.  The outcome after all of these paralyzed misfortunes is plain and simple embarrassing for the person suffering from a mental health condition.

I can not tell you the things that I have done while in a manic episode, feeling like my life is a movie and the twists and turns that the mind takes is something I would rather not think about.  I cringe with the thoughts of things I have said, ways I have behaved in front of people I care about, the ramblings that just seem to come from nowhere in particular.  I have got to say that having a mental illness is by far a most embarrassing illness.  In the quiets of my bedroom, things are fine, no one can see me.  Out in the public in the bright of day, these thoughts, these actions and the many conversations are something I wish I could forget, or at the least, hit rewind, pause and edit these shameful moments and cast them aside, never to cringe over again.  People will say, are you alright?  "Oh yeah, I am fine"  Deep within you wonder if you really are ok.  These thoughts, things blurting out from your mouth, the obscured acts, are just not normal.  Oh no your in a full blown episode and you thought no one would notice.  Then somehow; though reluctantly you receive help.  You talk to your Doctor, your medication is adjusted and you realise that you have been in a psychosis for some time.  You start to feel better, are sleeping better, eating better-soon your back to your old self.  Though, now you wear your illness around your neck like a kindergarten badge; with all the pity, the remorse, the shame and embarrassment of being ridiculously out of the ordinary has left a bitter taste in your mouth.

Thinking back, now you can see all of the times, where you were oblivious to your own shame in the making of eeeerk.  Now you know why no one will car pool with you, no one will come over for coffee or a glass of wine, no one seems to want to date you.  The memories of the days where this chemical imbalance left a big whole of shame right in the core of your existence.  Though, you no very well, that that was not really you.  To try to redeem yourself would be effort put to waist.  The time when you started to show your neighbours how to do jumping jacks, because you thought they needed to know the proper techniques, the time when you started yelling at the cashier because she asked you if you had brought bags with you.  The times you soared out of your home chasing the mail man,  These stains of humility are left with you, you feel that everyone knows, the shadow of shame is left on your hands, are splattered on your face, you can't hide that.  Though, mental illness is thought to be the invisible illness, it may be; I know for a sure fact it is one of the most embarrassing.  Being singled becomes a daily occurrence, and is left with you for ever.  Do people forget the times of deep rooted shame, perhaps they do?  Perhaps people understand more then we think they do?  Perhaps they too, have an illness of shame?  Perhaps people are just people and every single one of us, goes through periods of misconstrued awareness.  Possibly, people do care and in no way judge, maybe they think that people with these illnesses are a barrel of fun and full of liveliness.  Perhaps there is no shadow of shame at all.

So many times I think back to many days of erratic behaviour, where I could just sink my head in my pillow and wish that these scorns of irrationality would be completely forgotten.  Then I remember the day, where my neighbour came running over to me to say hello and to see how I was doing, or the day the cashier made a joke about the bags being brought to the grocery store, or the day where your boss said you are doing a fantastic job and that you are a valued member of their team, or the day where that cute guy did ask you out, telling you that he thinks your quite interesting.  With my illness, I have had the opportunity to look at the bright side of every situation, it's one of my gifts I was given when I was given this illness.  Some days do look bleak, some with no felt hope.  Then I remember the bright sides, days and nights are filled with so much opportunity, so many times for real closeness, times where you wish the sun would not go down, times when the summer months were filled with so many wonderful memories. Times where someone went out of their way to compliment you, maybe they even admired you.  Think of those days and those times instead of the fleeting moments of discouragement.  Think of the times when you were at your best, not your worst.

I think people are rather forgiving in many senses, maybe if we were forgiving to ourselves, then these feelings of embarrassment would not over shadow our pride, our hope, our faith and our zest to live in the moment with any amount of exuberance, no matter where it comes from.  These moments pass, what we can be proud of is that we can help others see their beauty beneath these illnesses and show them their smile and spark again.