Maybe a boss actually did see some potential in me, they must have if they hired me. "No", I would think again "they don't need me budging up their system, I am sure their is someone more suited for the job". Bye-bye, job, car, house, friends, companionship. Again, I would find employment, become the Chipmunk character, with all the jolting about, hoping not to get captured or FOUND OUT.
I use to think, my moods and then mood disorder was who I was. The fluctuation of the highs and lows, the anger, the rambling, the fast talking, the confusion, the mixed up expressions and tones. I thought that illness was ME, who I was. Like a chipmunk looking up, down, left to right, then zipping in and out. "Who would want me? Who would need me? What can they possibly see in me? I don't measure up? Why even try? These were my consuming thoughts. I was out to sabatoge myself, isolate myself, then I lost myself.
This was my pattern, for a good 20 years. Then In A Blink Of An Eye. There I was, with no home, no car, no money, no food, no friends, I left myself with nothing. I was punishing myself for having a Mental Illness.
If I had not listened to family who really brought in the reins and steered me from a total disaster that I may not have come back from-ie: Living on the streets. I would not have had the great opportunity to find the HELP that I needed. So I listened with great intent on where to go from here. I found a group who could help find me shelter in the dead of winter, help fill my stomach with food and nourishment, help counsel my emotional state, help heal my wounds, help with my finances, my self esteem, my decision making.
My biggest FEAR in life was being HOMELESS. As soon as the Doctor diagnosed me at 21 years old as soon as he uttered the words Bipolar Disorder, was as soon as I envisioned myself living on the streets. As I sat years ago an inch away from that nightmare that I feared, the ledge steps away. If I had taken one more step forward, I could have been there. Instead, my family fought for me, steered me hard in the right direction. My decision making was poor, I had nil to little life skills, I never cared about any consequences from the choices I made, because I did not care about myself.
I felt invisible and thought my illness was not so, to the point that I would introduce myself over and over to people I had already met numerous times. I would stick out my hand to introduce myself, "Hi I'm....they would continue to say..."OH WE MET before at such and such a few times actually"! Me thinking, oh you remember me? You know my Name even..? Then I would shy away, and find somewhere to nestle, hoping no one would again notice me.
I will say that since then, I don't even know that girl, that chipmunk, that girl, the girl who repeatedly introduced herself, thinking she was so unmemorable- she no longer exists. I would not even recognise her if I saw her again.
A few months ago I was shopping at the local Value Village, always looking for a bargain or the one of a kinds that you just can't find anywhere else. I saw a man outside holding a sign "NEED MONEY FOR FOOD" Broke my heart. It was snowing a bit, drabby out and cold. I must have shopped for two hours, thinking of what to buy, what to discard, having a good time in my own company. Still thinking of that man, the man who reflects all of us, he may as well have been holding a mirror, saying this could be you one day! I could have been there if I took one step further, I could have still been there today, any one of us could have.
People were giving him money for the food that he needed, to this I was glad of. Then thinking to myself what he may buy with his money for the day, a Big Mac perhaps, or a combo meal or two with a beverage to wash it down with? Paying attention to the thought, that he will most likely enjoy his food as I imagined him eating, being warm, dry and out from the cold. I then thought that he would have to do it all again tomorrow, or perhaps NOT! I stopped as I walked out the door and gave him what I could, as I hurried to my car. I wanted him to know of my experience, as it was so close to his. So much so that I could feel his survival instincts and his thirst for Life, I could feel his chill from being outside. I was almost there myself. From an emotional view, I was there.
I smiled and said to him "I was there once too, you can get it all back" He smiled, said "I hope so" I nodded, bowing down to Faith and said "You will"! I know what a difference a year or even a month or a day can make. I know what it is like to face your fears, whatever they may be and turn that fear into Faith. So much so until Faith is all that you know, where Faith is the only thing that drives you further, not caring of any old fear, where Fear is now invisible. In each and every circumstance, faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in humanity, in your Country, the World we live in and in God is all that matters.
In A Blink Of An Eye, everything can change. Not any of us are exempt to what this life throws at us and how we handle each situation, with the choice that we have to make; as we breath deep to overcome. When you are left without any FEARS, that's when you know that THIS is where you are suppose to be. That everything leading up until now, was to show you Faith, show you Trust, show you Love and Compassion. When you face your fears and look them right in the eye, you are left with a stinging gaze of triumph, victory and a Faith that is untouchable and you can not be shaken so easily as to tremble over any old fear.
