Divorce, Family and Growth

To Divorce or Not to divorce, that is the question.  You have been married for 20 some odd years, or more or less.  Your miserable, but want to give your marriage a fighting chance, you go to counseling, talk to your friends and loved ones, try to work everything out with your husband or wife.  You have kids, you want to give them a strong foundation, but you are failing or so it seems.  I am a child of divorce and I do know that a failed marriage; pardon the term, is not a failure.  Yes, divorce affects everyone around you, or in your circles and families at the least.  Is it the right option; again pardon the term.  If you stay together for the kids, what and who is gaining.  The kids, well, not so much.  Yes, they love you but deep down want only for both Mother and Father to be happy.  They like to see you happy just as much as you like to see them happy.  Will there be resentment, maybe, probably, possibly.  Will all or most of your family get over it.  YES.

When is enough, enough?  When you, your kids, your self worth, happiness, esteem, Oh I could name so many-are draining you completely, either from lack of any of the above, if there is abuse to any degree that does not sit well with you and never will, when there is a feeling, hurdle, obstacle that you just can't live with-perhaps because of your morals-when do you call it quits or work to make it work?

I have learned that EVERY relationship is solvable, every single relationship that you have either, husband, wife, father, aunt, brother, has a fighting chance, no matter how much this or that has hurt you.  Every relationship CAN be put back together, in every sense. 

When my parents divorced, to me it meant peace.  NO more fighting, battling, constant uncertainty.  When my parents split, it meant for me time to breath, start my life, forgetting about the relations at home that were on many accounts draining.  I found out later that there were a few other perks when it comes to divorce.  Not that I am pro divorce, but have been very happy in my relationship now, able to work each and every thing out in the perfect time for us and we are able to grow, deepen our affection, love and learn from one another-even laugh!  I have been through a divorce where I could not get past certain things, I have had a few troubled relationships to know the good from the bad...some were excellent relationships, some not as pleasant.  Some leaving very fond memories, some I cringe at that thought of.

So from someone who has been there done that.  The final question really is...What do you want, how can you become either a better husband, wife or how can you adjust, come to an agreement, put the disputing aside, seek help, learn to love again, and learn to be loveable again.  What areas can you twinge so that this relationship with all it's history can make it through the years.  Then to say as you are 80 or so in your rocking chair on the porch as you poor your love mate a tea, tell your loved one-WE DID IT and I love you and cherish you and would do it all again.  How can you reconnect?

If though there is an overwhelming amount of abuse, take it from me, seek help immediately!  Don't give yourself the time to be scared and hymm and haaa...SEEK help like it is the only choice you will have to make, to get yourself and your family back on track.  IF it is to much and you know it, you must seek as much help and resources as you can find.

The perks as a child of divorce, well there are a few!  One, a relief like no other that you won't have to deal with such burdens.  Also, two Birthdays, sometimes even three or four, two Christmases sometimes it lasts 2 or more months, longer with so many gatherings and split families.  A real kick to gear you up for real life with an understanding of what is and is not OK behaviour.  MORE love, more people  to love now because possibly of budding romances.  The opportunity to see your Mother or Father happy, flourish, and to be loved.   

What I think is also valid to consider is the fact that, if you want to leave and choose to...will you really be happier, will the same relationships keep repeating themselves in the next and next love interest.  Are you running away from that life, for much of the same life, perhaps a couple years down the line.  I know people who have been married for quite some time and they all say, that the issues that they have with there love mate are the same  issues they had 20 or more or less years ago.  There are always issues, always ups and downs, some really hectic days, stressful ones that you just don't know how you are going to manage, but do!  Through it all the magic that happens between those days is what makes it worth it, manageable, enjoyable, effortless with a connection, light, laughter, fun with romance that can always deepen your love and affection.

To divorce or NOT to divorce, GIVE it a fighting chance-it does affect everyone who loves you.  BUT there are perks here and there if you choose to leave.  If it is definatly wearing you down, to the point of no return, if there is abuse, a feeling or such an obstacle that you can't quite get over, even with the help of all resources, then know that you will be loved again, the pain will disappear over time, your kids will adjust-and there may be that sense of peace.  If you can solve the matter, give it all you got, until you can't.

Creating Calm

How is your life moving along?  What is working for you and what isn't?  Is there something in your life that is creating chaos around you, disappointment, do you become discouraged, feel empty, or spin your wheels to no advantage of your own?

Start the day by creating calm, lasting peace and become centered.  I use to have a hard time meditating, visualizing though I have been pretty good at.  Now, with new upcoming adventures on the way, I decide each and every day, to wake up, grab my first cup of OJ, sit, close my eyes and finally am able to feel a meditative state of calm.  Do what you can to start the day with a calm nature, calm environment and breath easy.  Turn on the radio, have some scented candles around...possibly lavender, smile for a few minutes before you start the day.  There is always stress, driving to work-especially in Canada where our Winters are so hazardous is a stress in itself.  Give yourself the time of at the least five minutes of a serene state before venturing out.  Picture even a happy day, whatever your day entails, picture yourself meeting the most excellent people even if to just offer a smile or a pleasing nature.

Here in Canada Spring is just around the corner.  How do you plan to spend your spring and summer, usually with BBQ, Beaches, lazy days, vacations, family and many celebrations.  WHAT will make this spring and summer better then the rest?  What is working for you this spring and summer and what is not?  To get the most out of the seasons that you deserve for relaxation after a cold, chilling winter...What is stopping YOU from enjoying Calm, Peace and a Tranquil summer season?

Are there relationships, either close or other that really do not serve you?  Are these relationships stepping on your ability to create calm?  Can you detach from these relationships, in order to meet others who see you in the best light?  Drop them...IT is really not worth the battles you face.  Are there a few people, one or many that choose to be a stick in the mud, while the mud then sticks to you-not allowing a creation of calm?  Are there circumstances or situations in your life that just does not sit well, serve well or allow YOU to be well?  Are you at a Job, or stuck in a Career that just brings you further down and away from your authentic self?  What is holding you back from Calm to Happy to Jumping out of the bed, to enjoy whatever comes your way?  To say to yourself each and every day, "I can not wait to get out in that snow, that wind, that sun to come home smiling because YOU have created a life for YOURSELF with purpose, meaning starting from a calm nature.  What though is weighing YOU down to fulfill your purpose, your passion and YOUR full heart?  HOW do you get UNSTUCK?  AND are people around you willing to see that you are stuck, or unhappy and TRY to make your day BETTER, not worse.  Are others you choose to be with, spend time with, drawing on your energy until you plummet or are your surroundings nurturing, giving, loving and respectful....?

Create Calm each day and realize what is NOT working for you.  If you can pinpoint whatever it is that is holding you back, nip it in the bud on each and every occasion.  This is YOUR life and a worthy one.  Make sure that YOU are able to create your life with purpose on purpose; because you do only have but one and an important one, with an important role in this world.  Once you figure out WHAT or perhaps WHOM is not working in your life, sift it out.  Make a path to lead you on a journey meant only for YOU, with your needs, wants and desires in mind and met.

Say perhaps you wake up each and everyday, with a good attitude, you JUMP out of bed, because you choose to, then like so many days before you trip on that same single piece of "something" in the way, you trip, stub your toe, jumping up screming OUCH every single day.  This "obstruction of something" has been there for Ten years, you trip over that single small piece of furnishings over and over for Ten years, but decide to carry on, with a brused and bashed toe as you fill the rest of your day.  It isn't that you purposely trip over the "something" in the way...you just have no idea where to put it?  Then one day as you lay your head at night, you decide to move the "something".  You wake up, the sun is shining, birds are chirping and for the first time in TEN years, you do not have a bashed toe, while you jump your way around the house.  Instead, you JUMP out of bed, swiftly, smoothly as YOU have created an environment of calm as you gracefully go through your day, without becoming hurt.  

Your day, is somehow easier, lighter, your shoes for one feel so much more fitting, you don't have to come home and rescue your toe by icing it.  Instead, you glide your way through YOUR life, removing the obstacles, holding you back-even just a little-even just a lot.

Find and seek out WHAT is NOT working for you, whether, person, obstruction, job, car, home, environment, simply remove it, or remove YOURSELF and MOVE ON...to a day, that YOU deserve, all that YOU want, all that will feed you and nourish YOU everyday.  Replace the "something" perhaps with something YOU have always wanted to do, creating not just CALM, but HAPPY, JOY, BLISS...just because YOU have made a decision to remove that something....simply because YOU deserve a full life lived on PURPOSE, with PASSION and how YOU decide to live it, however that shall be!  Create Calm while YOU move along in the moment, each and every moment...because in this life, each moment is precious and every moment counts.