Divorce, Family and Growth

To Divorce or Not to divorce, that is the question.  You have been married for 20 some odd years, or more or less.  Your miserable, but want to give your marriage a fighting chance, you go to counseling, talk to your friends and loved ones, try to work everything out with your husband or wife.  You have kids, you want to give them a strong foundation, but you are failing or so it seems.  I am a child of divorce and I do know that a failed marriage; pardon the term, is not a failure.  Yes, divorce affects everyone around you, or in your circles and families at the least.  Is it the right option; again pardon the term.  If you stay together for the kids, what and who is gaining.  The kids, well, not so much.  Yes, they love you but deep down want only for both Mother and Father to be happy.  They like to see you happy just as much as you like to see them happy.  Will there be resentment, maybe, probably, possibly.  Will all or most of your family get over it.  YES.

When is enough, enough?  When you, your kids, your self worth, happiness, esteem, Oh I could name so many-are draining you completely, either from lack of any of the above, if there is abuse to any degree that does not sit well with you and never will, when there is a feeling, hurdle, obstacle that you just can't live with-perhaps because of your morals-when do you call it quits or work to make it work?

I have learned that EVERY relationship is solvable, every single relationship that you have either, husband, wife, father, aunt, brother, has a fighting chance, no matter how much this or that has hurt you.  Every relationship CAN be put back together, in every sense. 

When my parents divorced, to me it meant peace.  NO more fighting, battling, constant uncertainty.  When my parents split, it meant for me time to breath, start my life, forgetting about the relations at home that were on many accounts draining.  I found out later that there were a few other perks when it comes to divorce.  Not that I am pro divorce, but have been very happy in my relationship now, able to work each and every thing out in the perfect time for us and we are able to grow, deepen our affection, love and learn from one another-even laugh!  I have been through a divorce where I could not get past certain things, I have had a few troubled relationships to know the good from the bad...some were excellent relationships, some not as pleasant.  Some leaving very fond memories, some I cringe at that thought of.

So from someone who has been there done that.  The final question really is...What do you want, how can you become either a better husband, wife or how can you adjust, come to an agreement, put the disputing aside, seek help, learn to love again, and learn to be loveable again.  What areas can you twinge so that this relationship with all it's history can make it through the years.  Then to say as you are 80 or so in your rocking chair on the porch as you poor your love mate a tea, tell your loved one-WE DID IT and I love you and cherish you and would do it all again.  How can you reconnect?

If though there is an overwhelming amount of abuse, take it from me, seek help immediately!  Don't give yourself the time to be scared and hymm and haaa...SEEK help like it is the only choice you will have to make, to get yourself and your family back on track.  IF it is to much and you know it, you must seek as much help and resources as you can find.

The perks as a child of divorce, well there are a few!  One, a relief like no other that you won't have to deal with such burdens.  Also, two Birthdays, sometimes even three or four, two Christmases sometimes it lasts 2 or more months, longer with so many gatherings and split families.  A real kick to gear you up for real life with an understanding of what is and is not OK behaviour.  MORE love, more people  to love now because possibly of budding romances.  The opportunity to see your Mother or Father happy, flourish, and to be loved.   

What I think is also valid to consider is the fact that, if you want to leave and choose to...will you really be happier, will the same relationships keep repeating themselves in the next and next love interest.  Are you running away from that life, for much of the same life, perhaps a couple years down the line.  I know people who have been married for quite some time and they all say, that the issues that they have with there love mate are the same  issues they had 20 or more or less years ago.  There are always issues, always ups and downs, some really hectic days, stressful ones that you just don't know how you are going to manage, but do!  Through it all the magic that happens between those days is what makes it worth it, manageable, enjoyable, effortless with a connection, light, laughter, fun with romance that can always deepen your love and affection.

To divorce or NOT to divorce, GIVE it a fighting chance-it does affect everyone who loves you.  BUT there are perks here and there if you choose to leave.  If it is definatly wearing you down, to the point of no return, if there is abuse, a feeling or such an obstacle that you can't quite get over, even with the help of all resources, then know that you will be loved again, the pain will disappear over time, your kids will adjust-and there may be that sense of peace.  If you can solve the matter, give it all you got, until you can't.