Only a precious few of our closest relatives truly know our story. Climbing the ladder of creativity together with my partner Jay, living the long but true tale coupled with the journey of the starving artists. It's not for everyone, It's a category all of its own. As on some days, we may not have been able to eat very much, in those days behind closed doors our love was established. Where money rather spent on art, would most times outweigh a decent sized sandwich. We have always had art brushes, papers and pens, markers, a guitar and a keyboard. We had old broken down computers, gently refurbished smartly by our family members, to date we have owned about 7. Behind closed doors, from years past, there have been many days where even eating Kraft Dinner, Mr Noodles or Peanut Butter was near impossible. The times when we were lavished with food, we coined it Gourmet Kraft Dinner which includes beef, onions and garlic powder. We found out that seasoned pancake mix makes for an excellent fish batter and that syrup can be used in a large number of ways and is quite tasty. That's really thinking outside the pancake box. For many years gone past, water with salt and whatever else we could create as hearty food would be purely meant for survival. Our friends through social media would never know. Behind closed doors, it was our biggest and most well kept, well-hidden secret! We knew that by banding together in this way, our love and our creativity would grow and perhaps one day, fulfil our dreams and flourish our hearts.
Lettuce soup was one meal that Jay created, it actually became quite tasty and favoured, though only behind closed doors. It's not like we could or would snap a picture of Jay's creation to post on Facebook. In other news, I have had episodes of bipolar mania, due to me having this rather glorious illness. I've heard comments, people saying to me about others they know who have bipolar; they say, "Oh you know that girl, stay away from her, she's crazy, she has bipolar, she's awful." Little do they know sitting before them is that girl filled to the brim with bipolar. Sometimes I tell them I have bipolar, friendships just don't last very long. There have been times way before social media and prior in many attempts in mental health awareness where I've shown up for work in an awful state of hypomania, (What is that?) Many times depression; rather embarrassing! Jay too has had his share of the taboo illness. Growing up and then becoming a man, he never realised that he had any such thing until professionally treated and diagnosed. The many days where I either slept 18 hours for months at a time, either that or was up for a count of 8 days trying to rid myself of medication that was keeping me from becoming a Mom.
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| "Captivating picture of what Bipolar looks like" |
What is the purpose though, of me dishing out this "dirt" that happens behind closed doors? You Guessed It! You never truly know what another person is going through... Images on social media highlight our best moments and memories, our most courageous undertakings, our love for life, family and friends and our many accomplishments. The year we ate "bland food" did not make the cut in our media. Having a breakdown or bouts of depression did not spark Jays urge to bring out the camera in celebration. When walking down the street, on a bus, in an elevator, at a game, in the gym, during a meeting, working, riding a bike, at a park, out fishing or anywhere. You nor I really have no complete understanding what it took for someone to just get out of bed and to show up. What though, if someone's clothes are ripped and torn and not in a designer fashioned way? What if someone makes a spelling mistake that is so ridiculous, "They don't even know how to spell, they have no right even to comment." Does this create mocking, teasing, snickering and put-downs, even as personal thoughts? Could it sadly be that it may be all that person has to wear? Or that person who has spelling issues, was too busy while commenting to notice a gravely mistaken misspell?
We are all living and feeling beings, where ill judgement is a choice that can be easily dismissed. Graciously knowing that for someone having to do just about anything to get through the day, that has been, for them unbearable, because in reality, the night before they wanted to end it. It's someone who gets your order wrong while grabbing takeout, we cause a fuss, where they may be having just a really bad day, perhaps we are the one having a bad day making such a fuss? It's someone who has been up all night, someone who just lost their pet, someone's feet getting wet from the Canadian winter snow causing them to become mildly disgruntled at work. Though these moments of "damning bliss" are never really captured for all to see and are not celebrated through social media?
No way, we hide it, we shy away from it. What will people think if I take a picture while my hydro is being turned off? We can not ever really be honest because possibly we want people to like us. "How could they possibly, if they can't see my bright smile in a flattering light? Do we then as human beings really have the capacity to be "OHH so Authentic?"
The struggles that I mentioned casing what went on behind our closed doors, were not examples of our life's best moments, to then share them on our "OH SO Friendly" social media pages, where bullying is a thing! We had to think better of introducing new boiled salad and syrup recipes. Four months of my life I hadn't a home, call it homelessness or short-term homelessness. That may be more socially acceptable? I don't remember during that time bringing out
my camera, sitting up straight and tilting to capture the mood of the moment. Possibly though I didn't own a camera. In days prior, Jay and I spent a lot of time travelling to our families home to pick up a bit of food, very often people would see Jay and I walking together; though yelling at one another, being hungry- flapping our arms in the air, even using forbidden curse words. Where some have relayed to me that they didn't believe that we were really in love. Though, behind closed doors and once fed, when no one is looking, there is always an incredible amount of deep love and affection. Could we be so pro authentic to relay our hunger on our travels to a post? Or would a post about our deep love be quite acceptable, I posted the favourable moments instead. Truly one never knows what others are actually burdened with. To treat everyone in kind should be the only authentic truth. Lately, people have been saying to me, "I Love how you try to do all these things" Which is a very nice, positive remark from some lenses. Though, honestly, I am just wanting to continue to eat a lot of food.
Through the years, as artists, Jay and I grew a strong survival instinct. Eating lettuce soup, with a squirt of syrup will sometimes do that to a couple. Sadly we've learnt to hide our love now, just as we hid our hunger. It served us well as a wonderful survival tactic. Still, behind closed doors our love is strong and pure, for me, it still feels very much brand new. Every step yelling through town our bond reached further. We've said goodbye to those drabby days of misusing syrup.
Proudly, presently we have a fresh can of English Toffee Cappuccino, OH LA LA, look how far!
It's a heavenly delight where celebrating with the snap of a camera capturing this moment I suppose with a cute selfie and the rich tasting drink. Doing some regular thing like cleaning my floors in high heels? Then people will see that I am really really wonderful, though not purely authentic. I would much better like to bust the myth portrayed perfectly on media pages; give people who are struggling with real-time problems a vantage point. Where authentically radiating positivity takes time and space. Where being authentic has only one meaning; acceptance. Found only in what is true and yet uniquely honest, in all of us. Where perfect genuine human nature can never really be judged, though is felt in the quiet moments, behind doors and in our hearts.
-Tamara Thompson
