Bipolar and Being Mom

I am lucky, I was able to have a Son finally!  After years of confusion as to why I was not able to conceive, being bipolar it may have been anything?  My Doctor's and Therapist team worked together along with me-discovering what was happening with my body.  It was found out that it was a medication that I was taking, that was stopping me from being able to conceive.  I was Able to rid myself of that though proved difficult.  After 8 days of weaning; which meant I was awake for Eight days- I remember it was one of the biggest challenges I ever had to over come.  When I found out I was pregnant, it was way well worth it.  Being Thirty Eight at the time of my pregnancy, I was steadfast with my health.  Before, during and after my pregnancy, learning to exercise and feed myself nourishing foods, paid off as I have a very happy, healthy and growing Child.  Though, still having Bipolar.   I feel though that there is a misconception when it comes to parenting a child while still having a chemical imbalance/mental illness.

Being a Mom as well as someone with a Mental Illness, I believe does not wreck havoc on any of my parenting skills.  If anything, I have learned over the years (with having this disorder) that eliminating stress out my life has helped me to be better able to handle stress.  It has helped me greatly with seeing a counselor for the whole of my adult life-through that, my problem skills are excellent, communication skills are relatable, interpersonal skills etc.  Having Bipolar for all of my Adult life has helped me to not take ONE day for granted.  Being sick so many times and praying for just one day, that I would be and feel no symptoms from my illness-so that I too could enjoy the day, to go out and have fun, instead of home feeling anxious or stuck or riddled with paranoia.  Now because of those days now long gone, I am able to live totally in the moment and be very mindful of everything I do, at home and with my Son.  Everyday, I really want him to get as much out of the day that he can, I make sure he enjoys a lot of play time, family time, cuddling and bonding time, alone time, sleep and other necessary things for him to be able to grow and learn all while knowing that he is well cared for and loved.  Being Bipolar (with no symptoms) has helped me seize the day, with him along my side.  

I also believe that for me, if I had had a Child at a younger age while still being in the thick of my mental illness-it would not have aided me in my parental skills.  It would have been a time when I had to put me first to be well, feel well and live well.  Back then, I would not have had a lot of time or energy or know how left over for any Child...I had to grow and perhaps grow out of the symptoms that were once at the forefront of my existence.  I am lucky that I was able to achieve this part of myself, growth and the skills I have now where they were once not existent.  I am not my symptoms or my illness, I am a Mother with Bipolar-for me it has aided me in my personal development to be a Mother.  If I were younger, my healing would have got in the way of any of this; where the stress would be endless, the commotion in my life, the drama, my priorities would have stagnated the care for myself and then so on.

Turning 40 in just a few short months, I know now I am the best me, the best Mom and the best role model I can be for my One Son.  Because my care comes so effortlessly and naturally, with all that I have learned-I can now put my efforts and care into my Child, knowing that he will benefit from the Mom I am-even with Bipolar. 

I worked very hard on my recovery.  I remember so many days and nights spent dedicated to learning and relearning life skills, the tools I gained did not come easy.  With disappointment I had to learn courage, with low self esteem I had to learn confidence, with frustration I would have to learn temperament,

with over coming obstacles I would have to learn how to problem solve.  These examples along with many more took a lot of hard work, of course all very gratifying and well worth it.  I gave more then 100% to myself and my growth for 20+ years.  I can now totally fulfill what I have learned over the years and hope to pass it on to my Son.  

I tackled the bipolar and the long road that it lead me on, to a place of gratitude, peace, serenity, warmth, love, devotion and health...thinking back to the nights where I would beg and pray for help, to not have this disorder, to be rid of it, to not feel the effects....Miracles everywhere!!

When I pray now, I simply say Thank You, again I say Thank You, and again day and night I say Thank you.  Bipolar and Being Mom-Thank you!

I Am What I Am

I have carried myself through my Life, being joyous, loving, nurturing and caring.  Along with other qualities that render along the same character traits.  I have always enjoyed laughing until I cried, I easily run to someone in need, even all they need is a good cry-in that case I bring a long a chilled bottle of wine, ready to open.  All these things though, do not really say who I am completely.  At home, my husband will admit easily, that I am always happy, chipper, never in an angry mood, yelling and carrying on for no good reason.  I wake up happy and he wonders "What the heck was in her cereal bowl"  Not saying that I do not get angered or act in a demanding and confrontational way from time to time; usually though- My home is my castle and I feel that in order for it to run in tip top shape, I in no way want to shake things up that much. 

Lately through the years I have become some what of a problem solver, if anyone has a life challenge I am more then happy to give a sense of the better things in life that they could draw upon.  These things I taught myself until it was second nature.  Again this is not all the time, but the things I learned-my own personal lessons have taught me what I needed to know for the purpose of my life and my life alone.

What if someone sees you at your worst?  What happens if they see you struggling, time after time and when you first appeared to them.  What if they see you cry, being stressed, or in a irrational state for a bit of time.  How then do they perceive you?  Mostly, they will always think of you as that frazzled, mixed up (maybe), confused and distraught person.  Though they don't know that you could make a crowd laugh, be the life of a party, be a friend when someone needs it.  They don't know the times, that you gave the shirt off your back, when you picked someone up when they were distressed or in need.  The timing of when they met you, you made a detour and had to start over.  Then, unwillingly you wear that flag for years.  With the blueprint of your downs highlighted on the back of your favourite T-Shirt. 

The stigma there is obvious it is imprinted on you forever, a tattoo that you seem to wear now where ever you go.  Even though you came out on top, standing and victorious.  These people still are in the wings-though not chearing but waiting for you to fail again.  That for them, was when they felt empowered possibly being around you.  It somehow made those around you feel better about themselves.  In that way of thinking, they really did not want you to succeed, to better yourself, move on.  They liked the fact that you were once stuck. 

Now all of these points do have a mediocre tone of negative.  The true essence is that your true character is not where you have been, or the puddles of mud you have found yourself in.  The times that you dug yourself out of the trenches, out of the stick of the mud are what truly defines you.  The life skills and how you have moved on is your story, your badge of Life 101 as you trek even further along on your journey.  Still smiling, still laughing, still being the life of the party, still their for others.  Your true sense and your power come out best when you are empowered and then are able to empower others.  Those that want to take that away from you, take your true sense of self and your true character and make up along with it; are merely wishing they had those awesome qualities in their self and surrounding.  You Have Got, What They Want!

Realising this, surrounding yourself with positive people, who don't want to ruin your character or thrive off of your disappointments is essential for your survival.  If not the case, I would still be stuck in the thick of the mud, not able to dig myself out, possibly complaining about every life struggle that I encountered.  When really the only struggle IS to climb out of the puddle of mud, once, twice and again until you are out for good, wiping yourself off-never to find yourself their again.

So Tell Me, Am I a Victim?

I never considered myself a victim.  I went through crap-but never thought of myself that way-some may have.  Although, I think I know myself and tend to think of myself in higher regards.  Also I don't count myself out that quickly!
 
It is true I went through a period or two, perhaps a stage of great falling into a whole perhaps? Determination in my thoughts to climb out truly takes away my feelings of any amount of victimhood that I could ever see in myself.  I met people along the way that did speak in terms of victimhood.  I though could not relate.  A string of bad luck, on my end...in no way a victim. 
 
I crawled in great despair, out of sadness, lonely days, the days that never seemed to end of years of fighting my depression and anxiety.  I do not use those words loosely.  As a fighter, not willing to relent.  I knew with my faith and love for myself that would soon return, that I would regain the devotion to my morals and values-meet like minded people and be true to the power that I hold within to come back from my failures.  So tell me am I a victim?
 
The people that I was meeting at the time, hoped I would remain that "deer in the headlight girl" that I once was.  What they did not know was that, was not me.  It was a period of me, but not my nature, not my conviction for Life and the Life I knew I have lived and could live again.  I of course as a writer, took all of those hang ups, the ditches I feel in, the wholes I fell in and came up swinging.  The people that took me for a "deer in the head lights type", have never seen me swing a bat, hit a ball, run my ass off, steal a base, to a back flip, a mean dive of the diving board, a dance that is light, fun and easy or a slide home then, cheer with all the fellowship of winning that I have learned over the years.  So tell me am I a victim?
 
I learned from the best, street smarts-my Husband took the time to see me gain confidence in my courage to be aware, and to walk tall, to remember to not let anyone step over me, and to weed out the ones that did not see me as I am...So tell me am I a victim?
 
No, I am not.  I never thought I was, never to a vow or oath of victimization and to have that persona be a part of my soul.  I never once said, that this was it for me.  No, I said...This will be my lesson, I will learn from it and walk away from it, I will not put myself in a category of such hatred for myself, I will be better, get better, I will learn who I am again, how to fight again and how to look love me again.  I never lost the touch of how to throw a mean ball, hit a triple down in left field, do a  round off on a balance beam, a spin or two on the gymnastic bars.  So I ask MYSELF am I a victim?  NO, I am not.  I ask you, Are YOU?  The answer is as well....NO, never and not in a million.

The Sinking Feeling

I walk through the doors, it is my first day-feeling tense and nervous already.  This is my new place of work.  Where I will reside for the next years, to make ends meat.  Having bills to pay, a house, car, having to put food on the table.  But-I am nervous.

I walk through the door-here I go.  I smile, a shy yet slanted smile.  People smile, but have the wonderment in their eyes.  "Will she work out".  The boss shows me to the lunch room where I can hang my coat and put away my purse.  Show time!

I fumble of course, as it is only my first hour on the job.  People look and stare, politely though.  I feel their stares now even when my head is turned.  I drop a pen on the floor and pick it up, while stepping towards my desk I trip lightly, catching myself and then I sit.  Still feeling the hovering of glares above, around and even beneath me.  I end the day and say "OH I love it here, I had the best day."  The boss returns and says..."We love having you here, I hope you stay on with us"  Just the pep talk I would need for the next coming weeks.

I turn around smile at the others, they smile and nod politely and say "How did you like it"?  "Oh it is fantastic, I am really excited".  "Ohh...it's easy they said, you will get the hang of it".

All eyes are on me, the new kid in town.  I brave the weather and come back to work for a second day.  I walk in 5 minutes to starting my shift.  Everyone seems so busy, working away, phones ringing-handling their work tasks like a Lion Tamer.  Bouncing around, helping each other out where it is needed.  Making jokes that only they would get, from years past, teasing each other with the look off sass and zest.  I sink into my chair, hoping that one day I could possibly be the butt of an office joke. 

My phone does not ring, I turn on my PC and login.  I scratch my head, thinking that by doing that it may pass the day, or better yet, may look like I know what I am doing.  Today the staff are way to busy to concern themselves with the new girl.  I grab a tissue and wipe my computer and keyboard.  In hopes to look just as busy and on the ball as the rest of the crew.

I tend to my work the best I can, try to look like I fit in.  Smiling when someone looks my way-sheepishly.  Hoping in my heart of hearts that I don't screw up.  I start to read the manual, which I had already read yesterday...But really want to get the guidelines and ethics down.  The phone rings, I jump but hesitate at the same time.  One ring, two rings...I frantically yet professionally look for the "PHONE SPEEL"    Pick it up, say the speel...answer the questions I do know, press hold-although forgot to tell the person on the other end, who may or may not be someone very important, a VIP or CEO.  I then regain control and press TALK, "Oh Can you hold"?  Even though they already heard the soft music in the back ground.  I smile, to look diligent and respectful.

I shout to my co workers, "Does anyone know who is the bla bla bla and where is the bla bla bla and when did the bla bla bla occur"?  "NO"  was the answer as my resources are nill and next to nothing.  I walk up to the boss lady, ask her about the who's and the how's saying so and so is on the phone.  She gives me direction.  "PHEW".  Task almost complete, pick up the phone, give the customer the best answer I can, although I stumble my way through it.  Hang up!

Think then that this would be a great time to go and use the washroom to catch my breath for a few minutes.  As I come out from the washroom the door looses me and somehow slams behind me, I look back in a startle and smile, delighted in the fact that I am still here and think to myself it is only first week jitters.

I smile and tilt my head at one of my co workers to at least gain a sympathy vote.  Again, as I walk by, every one seems to be staring, looking at my shoes, then glancing all the way up to my eyes and then hair.  Making sure that I wore the right outfit and that my shoes match with my ensemble.  I sit, grab a pen, tap it three or four times on my desk.  Looking serious and ready to take on the next task. I peek at the clock, wow I have only been here for 20 minutes, feels like some how 2 hours have gone by.  I then count how many hours left.-A whole day!

I gaze around the room, everyone is still very busy.  No one is paying attention to me and my fumbles although I feel a tension that feels almost like a tight rope hooked on to each and every one of them and then me, then, wrapped around my neck in a choke hold, but still smiling. 

I have that sinking feeling for months.  Everyday is much the same, hoping that my bathroom breaks would help the time go by and make me look terribly busy.  Hoping to look polished at what I am doing.  Answering the phone, hoping not to be stumped so that I won't have to bother anyone.  The stares and glares are being shot around the room like a ping pong ball and I am their aim.  I smile, maybe to much as it looks like everyone is sick of me smiling all the time, now their smiles also come with a roll of the eyeballs as I force them to smile; feels like a smurk to me now and I wish I could stop.

There are busy days and not so busy days.  My butt usually gets sore by 11:00am.  I am still reading through the manual when I am bored, also reading all of the literature that was ever printed about this organization, wanting to be more productive, even though I have read and re read everything I could 10 x over.  Looking skillful when I do it, so no one barks, or bites.  I look again at my job duties and it seems like I am doing all of them.  But why do I have this sinking feeling?

A few people stop at my desk, say a few words, idle chit, chat.  Though they don't know how they have brightened my day.  I have sticky notes all over my computer at this point in a square formation.  Little tid-bits about the company, the protocol, the address, my job and codes that I am using.  I treat the customers great so that is a bonus.  Although I hymm and hahhh an awful lot and someone usually comes to my aid.  Then we talk about the how's and why's and what to do next time.  Them telling me, "You will get it, it will all fall together soon"  I go to the photo copier to print something out.  The printer get's jammed. 

I don't show up the next day.

Depressed But Happy

Can you laugh, chuckle, watch a comedy show with such great enthusiasm, barrel out a belly laugh-Look at the cartoon section in the newspaper and laugh even under your breath.  I can, but I also suffer from depression.  I can look at a photo of myself, smiling (of course a selfie)  and know that during that time I was depressed.  Would anyone know it.  I got so sick of myself talking to others...saying "Ya, I have depression"  Does anyone really care...do they even know how it feels.  When you can become so numb to the world around you, go day in and out, dragging yourself.  Where a usual cup of coffee and a great song on the radio would be all you would need to perk yourself up in the morning, just does not happen so much.

I have been depressed many times through out a year.  It is almost so systematic now, I can tell by the end of the summer that I have to endure another depression, sadly of course.  Then coming out of winter, I try to remain calm because the Sun affects me in such a way, I get so over zealous, over joyed to the point of break down.  People in my circles knows this and have treated me with great respect.  Looking at a photo of me in the dull of winter, one would hardly know.  I have stopped telling people about it as if it is a show and tell type of scenario.  I did though come to terms with it.  I know what is my pick me up and it is not a mere cup of coffee and a great song on the radio. 

I know what works, but do forget to pay du diligence to my care tactics.  I do Isolate myself and this part is hard.  I see woman my age having a great time together, easily enjoying a day out or in with dinner, wine, chatting like us woman love to do.  I tend to exclude myself, the fear or anxiousness I have about being so chummy with other people does tend to riddle my nerves.  I can say hi, nice weather and I keep it at that.  Social anxiety of not feeling included or even good enough to be hanging around with a crowd.

 Where did this anxiety come from?  Most likely years of being depressed, paranoid, pent up with hallucinations.  Excluding myself, purposely on my end is my way I believe of being in control of who is going to see me at my worst.  If I just say Hello and Goodbye to the people in my near to social circles, then they won't be able to see me at my worst, when I am depressed, paranoid, or having a hallucination.  Then it is in my control of who see's me like this.  In the end No one see's me like this, except my Family.  They have a hard enough time with it and so do I.  I don't need to become emberrased or feel like a burden, say things I don't mean, do things out of the ordinary.

With this, I have somewhat been able to keep my health to myself.  My husband knows and carries on with me, he has been the best at not making it a big deal and not even making it seem like that is who I am, paranoid, or depressed.  He carries on with me and their is no talk of my way of thinking, my obsurd thoughts at times.  He goes along with me, will smile, carry on conversations where I know in the past others would have thougth strange or weird and then take it upon themselves to ridicule, abuse and then of course abandon me.  My Family has been there and I guess that is what Family is for...the ups and downs the thick the thin, the good the bad and the ugly.

Now I can laugh my way through depression, smile, eager to start the day most times, even looking out at grey and bleak snow.  I take the good with the bad, have an extreme amount of good days, the bad ones...we tend to just ride out.  I know the age I am at now, the woman in my life, would not laugh, or make fun.  The feeling I get though around others gets hard, difficult.  Not wanting to make close ties with people as too many have left thinking a friendly relationship with me is too hard, too difficult, never understanding that beneath it all, I am just as fun and happy as they are....even if depressed. 

I have become a veteran at mental health, feeling well most often, no one would ever know.  Carrying a deep secret like this though, does become overly exhausting to hide.  In turn, I do still tend to hide, within my creature comforts, my television, my family, the radio, my writing, people who know me but still can put my illness aside.  It is hard to hide, so I tend to not try to hide it, isolating myself is much easier at this stage. 

Maybe further along my road, I will manage to become friends with others, more so.  Become close with people, feeling that I don't have to hide.  Maybe I will meet people with like minds, and feel like I have known them my whole life, going on shopping trips, lunch dates and leaving our worries behind as we chat and giggle about the cute waiter who just served us.  Friends are hard to come by, good ones, may only happen once in a lifetime- I REALLY HOPE NOT.

A Girl With A Problem

---A young girl goes through life, excelling in many areas, she does well in life.  She never felt validated or that she was big enough, good enough for anyone.  Her power slowly was taken away from her, until she took her it back.

The Model.

Ginger- "I can't believe you, your a disgrace.  You are never going to make it in this life, not with your attitude.  You are an ungrateful bitch.  Of all the things I have done for you, you think you can just come in here and ask to use my car.  You are selfish and never going to finish anything you start.

The Role

Lemon- "I didn't even do anything, I just asked if I can use your car.  Why are you so mean to me, saying all these things to me.  I thought you loved me, how can you say all of that.

The Difference

Duke- "Why do you talk to your own daughter like that, she just came home from school last week, She past grade 11 with all A's and B's.  Leave her alone, get out of here, stay away from her.

Lemon- "I hate you, I get good grades, I do well in all my activities, I work so hard and you won't even let me use your car, to go out for the night...there is a school dance that I want to go to, why won't you let me".

Ginger- "You make me sick, clean your room, it is a pig pen.  You have a lot of making up to me, your never going to pick up your clothes are you.  Clean your room completely then maybe you can use my car.

Duke- "Clean her room, the dance is in 20 minutes, I have had enough of this...you guys work it out."

Ginger- "Clean your room and then write me a letter saying why you are sorry for speaking to me that way and how you are going to keep your room clean."

Lemon-  "Forget it, just forget it.  My room is a mess, big deal! It isn't worth it there is no pleasing you, I am always doing something wrong, I will never measure up to what you want, why is all of this my fault, how could you treat me like this and say such mean things to me"?

------Years Later

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Mom I made it in to University, just like you wanted...I am going to the school you wanted me to go to, and taking the course you wanted me to take.

Ginger- "Great, I will talk to you later, I am watching my show".

Lemon- "OK"

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Duke I got into all three of my choices of University, I am nervous though, what if I fail, what if I can't measure up?"

Duke "Well that is good, just do your best, if you asked me, I would think you should go to a College level, try your best and see where it leads you.  Good Luck"

First Semester

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Hi Mom, the Fourty dollars a week that you are supplying me with does not seem like enough, I never have enough to eat, It never covers the groceries it takes to get through the week, do you think you can send more"?

Ginger- "Look, I gave you money for your rent, I paid for you to go to school, I even let you use my car to move your things, even helped pay for your books, you are going to have to survive on what I gave you.

Lemon- "OK"

Months Later

Lemon- "Mom, I failed all my classes, what do I do, I am on academic probation, this is awful, they only want me to take 4 classes instead of five.  Oh no".

Ginger- "I knew it, I knew you would not be able to get through even one semester, what is wrong with you.  You will go to the Dean and ask to take an extra class to make up the difference.  Take six classes, I am not paying for you to just fail and fool around.

Lemon- "I can't do that, I am suppose to take less classes not more".  And if you remember I got a scholarship to help me pay for my classes and books."

Ginger- "Well, I won't pay for another year or next semester if you are just going to fail out, it would be a waist of time and money'.

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Duke what do I do"

Duke- "Well, do your best, do what you can, we will come up and go out for dinner, you can come for Christmas here, don't worry about getting us anything, we have a lot.  Just relax for the vacation time and maybe get some help from a tutor or your friends, I am with you in spirit".

Lemon- "Mom I am not doing that well at school, I am afraid I may fail out."

Ginger- "I knew it, I paid for you to go, I even got you a car to get you there, all this time is waisted, you could not even finish one year.  Way to go, your not going to have a future now I hope you know that.  You are going to have to make this up to me.

Lemon- "Ok, I understand".  Sorry.

Ring Ring

Lemon- Duke, I failed, I didn't pass any of my classes, I hardly understood a single thing.

Duke- Onward and Upward, you will be fine.  Take some time off.

To Be Continued.

Winning, NOT everything

About heart, winning is not everything.  It is how one feels about the measures that is within the winning or loosing and all things in between.  How does one person feel about the win or loose.  Did they do something in the loss even if it is a win, and of course do something in the win.  All being equal as we are.  I would play ball growing up and pick out all the highlights throughout the game, even if it was the other team. That is how staying positive is.   "Oh this was a great play, that was a great throw", I would not personally even care if we had a loss, it was just nice to get out.  I would hate the rain, if it was raining...WOW...did I have a fit, in a way.  Here I sit today with my Son at 6am watching a thunder storm, the door open, sitting at the door, open...a great way to spend a morning. a small one storm, he falls fast asleep in my arms.  Courageously. 

To me, for my self personally speaking.  It was great to watch it rain and poor.  A year ago this week, Tristan passed away a year ago and although I love life, life is the most difficult thing in the whole wide world.  Yes whole wide world, to bring the positive out in yourself and others, even almost any circumstance...is a win for just about everyone.  As long as the positive is drawn out of the all.   Thinking your own thoughts about perspective is important, to challenge those parts of you that come up now and again and through the years is very difficult.  To stay true to yourself is the very most important thing.  If cheated then up to the person to determine the right or wrong abot it.  Personally speaking, I have thought of the positives my whole life, learned to each step of the way.  That is the only way in some cases.  What is ever at the core of your heart is the truest positive and everyone has a heart.