I lay here awake three nights ago, thinking about like I do sometimes "What do I really want in life." The word want resonates a sour taste in my mouth. "What do I want?" I asked myself, almost fretting that I had no answer to that question. Days later, I asked myself again, "What is it that I want?" Nothing came to mind. I had an empty feeling in my stomach. Pondering this for a day or two, I came to the best solution during my brainstorm. "I don't want anything!" "Really, could this be true." Ok, then what is it that I need. Again, the thoughts came up as nothing. Then thinking further, I thought about all that I had, you know the list, I have a home, food, warmth, a family, a wonderful son, a career, and so on. Then with taking a step further in my thinking. I asked myself "Am I truly then happy?". "Am I really happy not in need of riches of gold or flowing circles of money or lavish gifts I bestow upon myself and others." The longing of wanting has vanished, as I turn my thoughts to my blessings, health- check, family- check, shelter-check, food -check, lifestyle -check. With the list of plenty that I scored with a plus 10 I turned my thoughts to contentment. Am I a person who is happy with what I have, what I have acquired, personally? Wow, I don't need nor want anything! I have exactly what I have ever wanted. No, it can't be, there must be a cute pair of shoes that I want, or another cutish outfit to buy and wear, or a new jacket for fall? No, I realised; It is all here, in my heart and mind, my wants are everything in my life right here and now. My journey has bestowed all my hearts desires. So, I play my last card, aces...all aces.
The thing is, I came from a place that although reaching levels of pursuit, clumsily along the way. I never thought I would have what I have in my life. My life was much like a whisking tornado, one day here, the next day rattled with devastation. The loved one's I have, never much new which day was going to be devastation, there were a few. Then everyone packed together to put back all of the shambles while I searched for everything I ever wanted, no matter what the destruction. This was not going to play out forever. It was a care free existence in search for whatever would pump me up and make me shine. Grateful, grateful, grateful, not empty with the devastation of nothingness; Grateful. Happy -check, Content -check, Fulfilling -check. Grateful -check. Did I come to my senses and give up the petty days of disaster, searching for a quick fix of luxury? Instead, filling those days with goals, aspirations, accomplishments, dreams coming true and love. And here I am with everything I ever wanted surrounding me.
I wake up every morning breathing, life is out there, life is in the next room next to me; my Son-my ONE hope, wish and desire that I had wanted longingly for; above any other. My husband and partner who shares this life with me, his goals and accomplishments and dreams fulfilled. I want what I have right here, now.
When I asked myself a few days ago, "What do I want" when "Nothing" was the answer, I felt a clear vessel of numbness, without a material gain in mind, what was I, what would I do if I did not want a thing, who have I become? What do I do now, if all I want is right here so tangible? At first a frightening illish feeling, that turned into my most blessed thought. Knowing that wanting and needing nothing, does not mean that it is time to give up, but a time to rejoice in all that I do have, gratefully acknowledging the facets of my life and the people in them. Do I want gold, riches beyond compare, frivolous trinkets to glam up my life. You can guess the answer.
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