It's In The Clouds.

I have very; I mean extremely wonderful memories of driving to different places via clunker car when I was very small.  It was not just the trip and excitement of seeing and doing something new, with my family.  It was more then that.  Much More.  The conversations in the family clunker are sacred.  It is private matters and only those in the car, and what is said in the car stays in the car.  And only the clan itself who seem to be on a heavy loaded mission to camp wonderland, have a say in what is conversed.  Topics such as The Incredible Hulk,  The A-Team, Strawberry Shortcake and The Care Bears.  Also what is disclosed is school yard matters that ignite recognition and care from the two people in the front, Parent A and Parent B-perhaps a sole parent in one A and B in the bionic force of parenthood.

What I also recall and is what is fresh in my mind, are the times as a kid that we would get bored in the back seat, not as much fun as the front seat pool.  I maybe punch my brother for a jolt, or he would be pulling my hair for a gasp.  Then, Parent B, would turn into a sleek, sly and smooth undercover A and B agent; She or He in their disguise would pipe in and say.  "Oh...look at the clouds above, look at all the pictures they make"  Then without a swoosh of hesitation, our heads would responsively turn with Jedi might and strike, zoning our heads and eyes towards the clouds above.  Then, calmness, surrender and yes finally quietness. 

The trip then seemed not so long, the last hour of our rugged display of driving was given to our imaginations.  We saw animals, trees, Disney characters like Micky Mouse seemed to show up in many forms of peculiar animations.  Dolphins and Girrafes were easily spotted.  Then, a pocket of sky would encircle and form a round sky blue view.  I would ask Parent A about this.  The response was then this.

"The circles are forming like that and opening up the sky to let loved ones who have past on (died) and gone to heaven".  Now, being a witness to the pearly gates in such a comic form, right before a young child's mind was a tad of an awakening.  Knowing that this may be true, or this may not be very true.  Either way, it offered a the sense of knowing in the forever unknown.  Being a young child, it helped me personally understand life, as well death and having to say goodbye, when you least want to if ever. 

My Parent A and B would say time and time again, "watch for those sky covered circles, you will notice that, that means a loved one is going to heaven, you'll see."  Of course, I was not fond of known loved ones having to leave me or this earth- being so young without still much understanding. 

It did this though, it helped ease the pain, lesson the sting of a lost one that I can never speak to again and though missing these loves ones so much; imagining this phenomenon even though this could be a very well falsehood, it did help the healing process.  I then was given a chance to say goodbye, even from a random kids understanding.  I knew somehow that these angels, have been accepted by the great and almighty one, in the existence of the images in the capturing of the clouds.  It gave me; being then a young hopeful child- a chance to say I love you, one last time and an outpouring of acceptance, a word or thought that was not even known to me then.  As the clouds moved towards each other like a grand gravitating force, the circle was closing, magnetising the circumference inwards to close the gap of the blue circled sky.  As I saw in my own imagination and eyes-closure-.  

I did this the other day, one tranquil afternoon, where the Sun was radiating, in a sneaky spark through the white fluff.  I still was able to pick out animals, and just to me, it made sense.  Within this day, I was full of grief.  I saw an owl, then two owls, then three; I sort of wiped my eyes, blinked twice....I had to find out!  I asked my husband if he too saw these obscure owls forming.  His eager and delighted response was "HEY YA!"  Meaning I wasn't completely nuts!  Then I saw a dog, then two and then three. Again I hesitated, only a little and asked him again.  "Do you see the three dogs there, right there" While pointing up to the pearly gates in the clouds of course.  "Ya, I do"  Maybe then and now an imagination is everything.  My Grandmother-Nanny we called her, Loved Owls when she was alive, she must have had 3 dozen owls spaced out and crammed together in her tight living quarters.  Our dog Cobra had died just a day before.  An old and well loved dog who needed a rest.  The circles of the pearly gates with the owls in the clouds, on standby were surrounding him.  I childishly grew a somber sense of comfort in the thought that the owl clouds and dog clouds, now reside in puppy and owl heaven while Nanny my angelic guardian was watching over him, with complete acceptance in my heart that Cobra is now at peace.

Drawing in a bit of understanding that even with the memory and practice of this cloud method as a child, that this shift in awareness by looking up and making pictures still....I still was able to say; I love you and will always miss you, "good-bye"

-the strongest word I have ever known.