Depressed But Happy

Can you laugh, chuckle, watch a comedy show with such great enthusiasm, barrel out a belly laugh-Look at the cartoon section in the newspaper and laugh even under your breath.  I can, but I also suffer from depression.  I can look at a photo of myself, smiling (of course a selfie)  and know that during that time I was depressed.  Would anyone know it.  I got so sick of myself talking to others...saying "Ya, I have depression"  Does anyone really care...do they even know how it feels.  When you can become so numb to the world around you, go day in and out, dragging yourself.  Where a usual cup of coffee and a great song on the radio would be all you would need to perk yourself up in the morning, just does not happen so much.

I have been depressed many times through out a year.  It is almost so systematic now, I can tell by the end of the summer that I have to endure another depression, sadly of course.  Then coming out of winter, I try to remain calm because the Sun affects me in such a way, I get so over zealous, over joyed to the point of break down.  People in my circles knows this and have treated me with great respect.  Looking at a photo of me in the dull of winter, one would hardly know.  I have stopped telling people about it as if it is a show and tell type of scenario.  I did though come to terms with it.  I know what is my pick me up and it is not a mere cup of coffee and a great song on the radio. 

I know what works, but do forget to pay du diligence to my care tactics.  I do Isolate myself and this part is hard.  I see woman my age having a great time together, easily enjoying a day out or in with dinner, wine, chatting like us woman love to do.  I tend to exclude myself, the fear or anxiousness I have about being so chummy with other people does tend to riddle my nerves.  I can say hi, nice weather and I keep it at that.  Social anxiety of not feeling included or even good enough to be hanging around with a crowd.

 Where did this anxiety come from?  Most likely years of being depressed, paranoid, pent up with hallucinations.  Excluding myself, purposely on my end is my way I believe of being in control of who is going to see me at my worst.  If I just say Hello and Goodbye to the people in my near to social circles, then they won't be able to see me at my worst, when I am depressed, paranoid, or having a hallucination.  Then it is in my control of who see's me like this.  In the end No one see's me like this, except my Family.  They have a hard enough time with it and so do I.  I don't need to become emberrased or feel like a burden, say things I don't mean, do things out of the ordinary.

With this, I have somewhat been able to keep my health to myself.  My husband knows and carries on with me, he has been the best at not making it a big deal and not even making it seem like that is who I am, paranoid, or depressed.  He carries on with me and their is no talk of my way of thinking, my obsurd thoughts at times.  He goes along with me, will smile, carry on conversations where I know in the past others would have thougth strange or weird and then take it upon themselves to ridicule, abuse and then of course abandon me.  My Family has been there and I guess that is what Family is for...the ups and downs the thick the thin, the good the bad and the ugly.

Now I can laugh my way through depression, smile, eager to start the day most times, even looking out at grey and bleak snow.  I take the good with the bad, have an extreme amount of good days, the bad ones...we tend to just ride out.  I know the age I am at now, the woman in my life, would not laugh, or make fun.  The feeling I get though around others gets hard, difficult.  Not wanting to make close ties with people as too many have left thinking a friendly relationship with me is too hard, too difficult, never understanding that beneath it all, I am just as fun and happy as they are....even if depressed. 

I have become a veteran at mental health, feeling well most often, no one would ever know.  Carrying a deep secret like this though, does become overly exhausting to hide.  In turn, I do still tend to hide, within my creature comforts, my television, my family, the radio, my writing, people who know me but still can put my illness aside.  It is hard to hide, so I tend to not try to hide it, isolating myself is much easier at this stage. 

Maybe further along my road, I will manage to become friends with others, more so.  Become close with people, feeling that I don't have to hide.  Maybe I will meet people with like minds, and feel like I have known them my whole life, going on shopping trips, lunch dates and leaving our worries behind as we chat and giggle about the cute waiter who just served us.  Friends are hard to come by, good ones, may only happen once in a lifetime- I REALLY HOPE NOT.

A Girl With A Problem

---A young girl goes through life, excelling in many areas, she does well in life.  She never felt validated or that she was big enough, good enough for anyone.  Her power slowly was taken away from her, until she took her it back.

The Model.

Ginger- "I can't believe you, your a disgrace.  You are never going to make it in this life, not with your attitude.  You are an ungrateful bitch.  Of all the things I have done for you, you think you can just come in here and ask to use my car.  You are selfish and never going to finish anything you start.

The Role

Lemon- "I didn't even do anything, I just asked if I can use your car.  Why are you so mean to me, saying all these things to me.  I thought you loved me, how can you say all of that.

The Difference

Duke- "Why do you talk to your own daughter like that, she just came home from school last week, She past grade 11 with all A's and B's.  Leave her alone, get out of here, stay away from her.

Lemon- "I hate you, I get good grades, I do well in all my activities, I work so hard and you won't even let me use your car, to go out for the night...there is a school dance that I want to go to, why won't you let me".

Ginger- "You make me sick, clean your room, it is a pig pen.  You have a lot of making up to me, your never going to pick up your clothes are you.  Clean your room completely then maybe you can use my car.

Duke- "Clean her room, the dance is in 20 minutes, I have had enough of this...you guys work it out."

Ginger- "Clean your room and then write me a letter saying why you are sorry for speaking to me that way and how you are going to keep your room clean."

Lemon-  "Forget it, just forget it.  My room is a mess, big deal! It isn't worth it there is no pleasing you, I am always doing something wrong, I will never measure up to what you want, why is all of this my fault, how could you treat me like this and say such mean things to me"?

------Years Later

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Mom I made it in to University, just like you wanted...I am going to the school you wanted me to go to, and taking the course you wanted me to take.

Ginger- "Great, I will talk to you later, I am watching my show".

Lemon- "OK"

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Duke I got into all three of my choices of University, I am nervous though, what if I fail, what if I can't measure up?"

Duke "Well that is good, just do your best, if you asked me, I would think you should go to a College level, try your best and see where it leads you.  Good Luck"

First Semester

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Hi Mom, the Fourty dollars a week that you are supplying me with does not seem like enough, I never have enough to eat, It never covers the groceries it takes to get through the week, do you think you can send more"?

Ginger- "Look, I gave you money for your rent, I paid for you to go to school, I even let you use my car to move your things, even helped pay for your books, you are going to have to survive on what I gave you.

Lemon- "OK"

Months Later

Lemon- "Mom, I failed all my classes, what do I do, I am on academic probation, this is awful, they only want me to take 4 classes instead of five.  Oh no".

Ginger- "I knew it, I knew you would not be able to get through even one semester, what is wrong with you.  You will go to the Dean and ask to take an extra class to make up the difference.  Take six classes, I am not paying for you to just fail and fool around.

Lemon- "I can't do that, I am suppose to take less classes not more".  And if you remember I got a scholarship to help me pay for my classes and books."

Ginger- "Well, I won't pay for another year or next semester if you are just going to fail out, it would be a waist of time and money'.

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Duke what do I do"

Duke- "Well, do your best, do what you can, we will come up and go out for dinner, you can come for Christmas here, don't worry about getting us anything, we have a lot.  Just relax for the vacation time and maybe get some help from a tutor or your friends, I am with you in spirit".

Lemon- "Mom I am not doing that well at school, I am afraid I may fail out."

Ginger- "I knew it, I paid for you to go, I even got you a car to get you there, all this time is waisted, you could not even finish one year.  Way to go, your not going to have a future now I hope you know that.  You are going to have to make this up to me.

Lemon- "Ok, I understand".  Sorry.

Ring Ring

Lemon- Duke, I failed, I didn't pass any of my classes, I hardly understood a single thing.

Duke- Onward and Upward, you will be fine.  Take some time off.

To Be Continued.

Winning, NOT everything

About heart, winning is not everything.  It is how one feels about the measures that is within the winning or loosing and all things in between.  How does one person feel about the win or loose.  Did they do something in the loss even if it is a win, and of course do something in the win.  All being equal as we are.  I would play ball growing up and pick out all the highlights throughout the game, even if it was the other team. That is how staying positive is.   "Oh this was a great play, that was a great throw", I would not personally even care if we had a loss, it was just nice to get out.  I would hate the rain, if it was raining...WOW...did I have a fit, in a way.  Here I sit today with my Son at 6am watching a thunder storm, the door open, sitting at the door, open...a great way to spend a morning. a small one storm, he falls fast asleep in my arms.  Courageously. 

To me, for my self personally speaking.  It was great to watch it rain and poor.  A year ago this week, Tristan passed away a year ago and although I love life, life is the most difficult thing in the whole wide world.  Yes whole wide world, to bring the positive out in yourself and others, even almost any circumstance...is a win for just about everyone.  As long as the positive is drawn out of the all.   Thinking your own thoughts about perspective is important, to challenge those parts of you that come up now and again and through the years is very difficult.  To stay true to yourself is the very most important thing.  If cheated then up to the person to determine the right or wrong abot it.  Personally speaking, I have thought of the positives my whole life, learned to each step of the way.  That is the only way in some cases.  What is ever at the core of your heart is the truest positive and everyone has a heart. 

Gesture In The Way

A young girl stands in a crowd, a circle of people that she did not know, had not known.  There she stood there anyways talking, chatting seeing what they were about.  As too, they wanted to see who she was, why she was even here.  Actually what the hell is she doing here?  They laughed, had a giggle and then another as they puffed away on a smoke, they light up again to pass their nerves.

She see's a guy, standing there, feeling in a small way somewhat bad for him as she did not notice him, felt rude and unkind.  She asked herself.

"Why is no one talking to this guy"  He stood almost part way off the circle and seemed to be sinking, as if in a puddle covered in quick sand.  She spoke.

"Hi"

He smiled, as he moved away from the thick quick sand to discover, not only did she say hi, the rest of the crowd followed.  Noticing that he was not a part.  He was some what bigger, taller, suspecting this could be a reason he felt to rather stick to his quick sand.  They lit up a third smoke to pass the nerves, giggled and laughed.

The girl did not think much more of him then that. 

Later at school, the girl carried on her regular routine, going from class to class, locker to locker always forgetting her locker number, having to always get her best friend to open it, who remembered the digits, regularaly.   Nothing though was ever, ever stolen from this girls locker, the best friend would not need any of it anyways, nor anyone.

The girl went to her next class, not one she really favoured as she stared at the chalk board more often then not, ridiculously messy and scribbled on.  Instead, she wrote on her paper pad-able to look down and away from the chalk board catastrophe. She would sometimes gaze up, around and see that the board was looking fuller and more difficult, she would try to understand the concepts as they were being sped along, then rubbed out again too quickly.  Then as the Teacher, piled on more chalk notes, she was reading what was hidden underneath of the newest catastrophe.  She caught on the last rubbed out lesson and learned from there.

Never once did she ask a question.

There was a mix up, something ridiculous happened.  There was a new boy in the school, he normally kept quiet like the rest of the bunch, no one really cared for each other at this paticular school, they all seemed miles apart.  

Greg was also looking at his paper pad, doodling the notes hidden or not, seeming though to understand more then her.  flipping through the pages with his pen writings he knocked over his can of pepsi on to his desk- the fizz was not the worse of it, nor was the pepsi that would not be tasted.  The fact that it spilled on his paper work, ruining whatever page he had forged up.  Quickly grabbing the pepsi can that fell flat on the floor, spilling down his leg, he looked up knowing he could not, not be noticed.

Up from her desk and running over to him, wanting to cover up the mess.  Grabbing her paper pad, ripping out the pages, she stifled to soak up the liquid remenents.  It was no big deal it happened all the time, no one laughed as the class was sure to be past all that.  It was cleaned up.

He had nothing left to write on and though he too had nothing to really take from the chalk board massecure, he could not continue with any part of the day, not even his language class, the class where he did like to flourish. 

Lacy's hands were sticky though, she did not want to lick her fingers with pepsi spill on it, did not really know what to do to take off the grime. 

Again though, she was lost in thought, looking through her pages of doodles.  Class was near over, looking through her bag for more paper, grabbing more then a handful, him, he was searching through his bag almost frantically for the same.  Lacy grew from her chair, walked down the line, turned and dropped off some paper on his freshly cleaned sticky desk.  Looking up from his desk turning towards Lacy, Greg gave her his hand sanitizer already pulled out from his bag.

Lacy smiled, squeezed the bottle on to her hands about to scrub them clean from the pepsi glue.  Dropping the sanitizer on the desk, him picking it up and said.

"Keep it"

Stick With the Winners

One of my very first lessons as an emerging young adult was "Stick With The Winners".  Not that now as a middle aged woman I think in terms of who is who, who is a winner, compared to losers.  To me I value people really for where they are at, what area in life they are pursuing etc, each as an individual.  Though it was and is a great message to follow, to be amongst people that even wanted to win, had a winning mindset and spirit, or who were a cut above the rest "as they say"; it really did and does serve me well in my life with my career as well as home, my own spirit and my own achievements. The person who said it was right and I did not mind sticking with the winners. 

Sticking with the winners to me, is not a snobby way of thinking about people and the different values they hold or persona they put out there.  It is more about not giving up, not letting yourself move forward by the "I CAN'T attitude, or as I have heard the phrase "small thinking".  Personally I enjoy spending time with people that say I CAN, I WILL-somehow and I WILL FIND OUT HOW.  I really understand when someone wants something so bad they can't stop thinking about it, their dream and when my circle converses about their go getter attitude, what they want and how they continue to go after it, even if there are a few or many "I Cant's"  I get that.  They are striving and in turn no matter if they are still chasing their dream or it is thriving, the "Want it Bad Enough" attitude is what resonates with me and I gravitate towards those and of course others.  It is admiral to me to see people fail, start again, maybe fail in a way, fall flat off their feet.  When they pick themselves up again, I applaud that and admire the conviction and determination.  They are the one's who have seen defeat, time and time again but continue on the road perhaps less traveled and beyond, really relying only on themselves and their high belief in who they are and the trust in themselves, others and their trueness to taste a dream in the palm of their hand.  One time I am sure they may have thought of themselves as a loser vs. a winner. 

In reality to me, people loose, but as long as they have a strong belief and standards people are not, nor ever will be "losers".  It takes a lot of sacrifice to go after your what you want, day in and out, living, breathing and believing, while going without, having less so that day will come where you can have more-whatever MORE is to you....I am sure sometimes perhaps eating less, driving less, taking a bus to save on expenses and so on.  Until one day instead of the Underdog, you become TOP DOG. 

HOW then, do people respond to your success??  Do they relish in it just like you, do they think of you gloating around telling of your success, do they stick by you and enjoy your success as well, being somewhat of a cheer leader, routing for you even roaring for you?  The ones who don't take pride along with you, never saw what the sacrifice was like, how much you had to sacrifice, go without, sometimes perhaps even eating for a day or even two days, eating Kraft Dinner as if it was gourmet.

The trick is in my estimation is to have the ones that you hold dear, the ones that routed for the Underdog and still stand beside you when you have made it to Top Dog status close.  They are the ones that love watching you win, cheer you on, and win right along side you.  They too have their own winnings to win after and together and as the winning circle goes along, you can teach each other the do's and dont's of how to win as well as the many ways to wind and step away from the Underdog status.  My very good friend has a cute boutique in our town, I think of her as we sometimes hash it out and draw energy from one another, it is a very supportive relationship, without jelousy's or mean hearts. 

I believe if I am routing for an Underdog so to speak then it is my duty as a friend to also cheer when they have become Top Dog, I would believe that maybe it was partially due to my cheers that that person of success has got there in the first place.  Gloating, well of course an Underdog type who made it all the way up the ladder to Top Dog is going to gloat, they have traveled a long treturous road, scraping knees along the way, having blisters along the way, sore hands, sore feet, tired somedays, ill possibly.  Their success should be celebrated.  Too many people walk away after the winnings begin, turn their back, walks away.  What the cheerers do not understand is that they ARE the REASON they are their in the first place and without them they would not even come close to where they wanted to be.  The now winners are wanting to enjoy life FINALLY with their supporters, they want to enjoy and gloat together as they are just as much a part of their success as them -themselves.  Then the

supporters of the Underdogs don't get the chance to say way to go, and see their relationship flourish as the dragged out winners all they want to say is THANK YOU.

In This Life Is There Room For Regret?

You live your life once, that is what people say time and time again.  If you were able to actually relive your life as people say, would you want to?  Would you mull over all the regrets, the blunders, hiccups and mistakes to re do everything so there would be a better outcome or even a different outcome.  I believe and we have heard this before everything happens in our life for a reason.  Whatever the reason there is a lesson to be had.  So pay attention to your blunders, they are your compass for furthering your success and perhaps enriching your life in other ways.

Of course everyone thinks back and thinks "yikes, how did I ever let that one happen, never again!"  In the time and space of the hiccup though, everything seems right, normal.  These things that we go through aid us in picking ourselves up again, going the extra mile and it allows you to have perhaps more determination.  It gives you an edge, an idea about life, a new and broadened understanding and character within yourself. 

I look around at this imperfect earth and think to myself "What a Wonderful World"!  Of course the empty glass scenario comes up, I fill my glass myself...no one else is going to fill it, so why don't I fill that glass every time I need a refill, at my free will and at my discretion?  If you needed gas for your car to get from A to B, you fill it, completely full and you feel comforted by the fact that you can get around, happily and with no unneeded worry.  You feel within your car, full up. 

Think of a half Moon at night, if it is half full, does it give you any less energy that you need. No, it does not.  The Moon, like all of life and through out all blunders and hiccups, gives as much energy that you personally need in a day or night.  Would you say about the Moon... "OH NO, the moon is only half full and complain about the need for it's fullness, would you regret that half Moon? I don't think that would happen.  Instead we look at the Moon and Stars and say "How beautiful it is to see the night sky"  We miss that beautiful sky to gaze upon each day and miss the Suns warmth and glow every night.  Let's live life with that excitement and then pay attention to it's wonderment.

Perhaps if we are only living out half of our life and are just going through the motions in our daily on goings then sure, there may be some regret or even a lot of regret.  The should of's, would of's and could of's come up and then feel empty, and the life you had planned and even dreamed of, feels out of our reach and further and further away, feeling impossible to grasp.

Never look back in regret, instead look upon your life, the past, present and tomorrow as if in "AWWE" of how spectacular it is, how magnificent it is and how the wonderful challenges you go through are teaching you to go further, to do it a little bit better, to make your life down the road even easier.  Live your life with a half moon attitude "with no regreat" and know that every single day you are giving it your all!  For one day you may be giving it 50% to some, though to you it feels like your giving it 100%, some days you will be giving life 75% to some, but to you it feels like150%.  As a human, you are always at the top of your game, giving it your all, doing your personal best. 

How then could we ever look back on life and regret anything that has happened, anything that we undergo, any mistakes we have made?  Then when we are 80 or 90 or beyond, how could we ever regret anything when there are still Birthday candles to blow out, still Birthday wishes to make that we still keep secret, Birthday cards to open with kind thoughts towards you and your day, gifts to unwrap that are full of surprise and people clapping as they sing to you.  How can we ever be regretfull in this life, when there are moons to see, beaches to sink your toes into, waves to catch, Christmas lights to shine and chocolate eggs to hunt for and gather. 

Life is magnificent, every day is new, every hour in that day is just for you, to do things differently, try different avenues, turn a corner instead of going the straight road.  Every day you have the opporunity to make a new choice, instead of regret, celebrate life and everyday in that life and there will be no time or energy for waisted regret.  Instead there may be one night sky with a half moon, one night sky with a quarter moon, one night a full moon. And every now and again and once in a while, there will be blue moon where you sit back and think back on life and the truly wonderful and glorious life that you have lived; with out regret and where your moon is always full.

The Real Constant Is Sisterhood

I know two very special people, they have been in my life since I was young, I feel not only lucky but privileged to know them.  They are CYNELA, a name their Father gave them when he was undergoing therapy for treating a battle with cancer.  He was in remission, at the time his tumour had shrunk after much fight, prayer and hope by many, most heartfelt I am sure by Team CYNELA.  CYNELA'S Father bought a car and had his daughters names put together on the license plate, coined "CYNELA"= Cynthia and Elaina=strong sisters fighting for the hardships and battles only known to them.  It was a happy time, after so many blood tests, so many needles, so many hospital trips, so many nights crying, weeping for what their family had to go through.  They celebrated with family, friends, companionship, love and understanding...all things good, with a new car!  Forgetting for even just a little, of what they were all facing, buying that car was a mark, a remembrance of their families values and all of

the hard work and love they poured into each other. 


Their beautiful Mother was also facing her own health challenges and a somewhat failing illness, through out they all held strong and faught for their Mothers Independence, care and stability; a 20+ battle and still going strong!  Their father lost the battle, but CYNELA and Mother, never lost their smile, courage or lust for life.  In all of their hearts he lives on.  The mother now resides in a retirement home close to one of the sisters.  A huge undertaking to move a house of 40 years worth of memories, a huge transition, so many changes, feelings, emotions running deep and I am sure a few tears were shed.  Having to say goodbye after so many years, of course CYNELA, I can picture them with hair done, mascara on ready for another charity event raising awareness for Cancer, HOPE and RECOVERY.  I can picture them holding hands through the many challenges to give each other strength as they both fought hard for their fathers ending and for their Mothers Independence and new beginning.

 
It was a journey of love and discovery, as I talked to both sisters through out the last few years of their fathers battle.   They came together when many would fall apart, they triumphed and continue to do so in the face of any adversity.  To see these sisters smiling, hugging, laughing was something so victorious to be part of, as I plan to still keep in close contact.  I am not sure they even realise how their bond of true sisterhood stands out offering others hope, their spirit is contagious.  

With one look from Cynthia, Elaina becomes stronger, with one glance from Elaina, Cynthia drew courage, they carried themselves and many of their family through all of the past 3 and past 20+ years through every MRI, CAT scan, blood test, every doctor, every nurse....These two sisters became stronger, united, they became CYNELA and their father lives on in their heart of acceptance, loyalty, good natured, bombarded by tragedy, they come up smiling and with one heartfelt look from a sister you know you are loved, even for the first time and then you can really believe in life.  Palm to palm a declaration of a strong kindness like none other.
  
 CYNELA took sister hood to hero magnitude and beyond.  I look at them with true awwe because of what they can handle and move beyond IF anything they believe in each other as constant as the stars, as constant as the Sun rises, as constant as the moon glows and as green grass grows, CYNELA a privilege to catch a glimpse of their love.  They grew into eachother, their bravery, their steadfastness.  One word to describe these two sisters, I would have to say TRUE.  When they became CYNELA they became the statue for sisterhood, they made a mark on life so dear and true to them, and their Father so proud to have two wonderful girls take care of any of his desires, needs and wants.  In this story of hope, are two girls with some tragedy and loss...in it though are the heroes: two beautiufl sisters called CYNELA!