My Parents Had to Let Me Go-So That I Could Look UP!

I have very loving Parents, have very loving Aunts and a Brother like no other.  I was Falling, cracking through the surface for many years.  My Family was torn when they learned about me having a chemical imbalance.  You may have read, I was 21 dropped out of higher education twice, hospitalized, going from job to job only lasting at most 2 years.  I went to group counseling, and individual counseling- My Loving parents also went to group counseling in order to help them help me and in the processes help themselves. 

Still though, I had all the help in the world.  Doctors were supportive, my Family always there to pick up the phone, pick up the pieces, talk me through things almost every single day.  I still worked...ended up taking two courses in which I did finish, trying to stay on track with the medication cost was overwhelming.  I needed a really good education in order to pay this fee every month.  Still though, I was clearly not healthy.  I was then 25 and drinking, binge drinking off and on.  Some years, I wouldn't touch it, I was sensitive to it, three drinks and it would throw my nervous system way off and mixing medication with that is just a terrible idea.  Through the years though, my Family, Brother, Aunts, Mother, Father were always there for sound advise, fix my troubles-take care of all that was haywire in my life, over and over...They knew after far to long that they just had to STOP saving me, rescuing me from sometimes dangerous situations.  AND letting go, was far harder on them then it was for me.

I wanted them to let go, I knew deep down just as much as they did, this pattern we created was not working.  So being 33 years old, they all stopped!  They had to and I knew it!  Although we would still talk to each other, they were not going to jump in their car, racing to every pitfall and slip that I endured.  So with them letting me GO...THE ONLY WAY TO LOOK WAS UP!  My father told me for years, your crises and your misgivings will build character.  Which I thought..Great, I would love to have some character.  AND yes, I would love to LOOK UP!

I was use to falling into a whole, but someone was always there to reach for me.  So Proudly, I say they let me sink further and further.  They had to watch me sink, not guide me up.  In this I learned again Proudly, to stand on my own, my VERY OWN!  I ended up with NOTHING, not a dime, not a house, everything GONE.  We still talked, almost everyday, they just simply asked "How are you doing"  NO advise, no should haves or would haves...Just I Love you, be safe!

So now, years later...I must say, although a late start in adulthood and independence, I am better for it.  I now am able to say freely, I take care of myself...Rent is always paid, bills are always paid, I have a fun and interesting career that I get a lot of fulfillment from, I met and fell in love with my Partner,  We have a happy home with great neighbours- To this I say Finally...My Partner too has a thriving and very fun career...both of us in the arts.  I have close ties with my family, near or far...I am not shy or awkward in social settings. When I met my husband I could not even go sit in a restaurant with out feeling ashamed or a sense of discomfort, now I am able, effortlessly-I have many things that I always wanted. 

There are so many things I overcame, battles I had to fight, things I had to learn about myself and the world around me.  With my Parents and family LETTING GO of my hand, letting me slip through the cracks, I got over many wounds, healed, began to be able to laugh again; even at myself...I was not afraid any longer...!!  I learned to be comfortable in my own skin.

Building up from which I fell was the fun part...everyday learning something new about what makes me "tick".  Now with a loving family who I am not a burden to, but a contributing part of the whole, they do not have to feel guilty, feel that they have to run to my rescue, they too have overcome their fear of letting me run my course.  Them doing that simple act I was able TO BE present, clear, able, sound, full of life and energy....love and FINALLY HAPPY, CONTENT, STRENGTHENED, COMPASSIONATE, and INDEPENDENT...Letting me go, giving me a chance to breath on my own...WAS the best decision WE made consciously as WE knew it would NOT work any other way.  Now there visits are frequent, are talks are fun and light hearted, I am there for them, but no one is a rescuer for each other.  We show love, give hugs, and stay in touch.  They are most likely very HAPPY that I have hit my last sink hole and I know very  thrilled that I have a partner who is just as happy as me.  We now have a family, with our first arrival in May, a place to call HOME, and family who is able to enjoy our happiness, and love for one another.  Thank YOU to my family, for knowing WHEN to let me fall.  They did not just teach me and guide me how to live...THEY let me LIVE! xoxo

I believe it was the late Robyn Williams who said...When nothing else works, whats left is what is RIGHT!