I'll Paint You A Picture

A young girl, stumbles into a life of many drama's.  She is eager to please and helpful in many ways.  Thrilled to be a part of something, part of a group.  She fits in, people in this group, hug, love, smile, exchange pleasantries.  This group laughs and jokes about, this girl is their for them time and time again, as they all are!  The girl loves their company for a long time.  Then time stood still,  and the magic it seemed to have vanished.  This girl falls in love, which whom the man was part of the group.  He fancied her and she was delighted to call him love.  Between the two of them hearts from years past were mended, they grew fond of each other.  It was only love that did this!  At first the group accepted this, as they saw this group member to be whimsically happy.  This did not last, through-as I said time stood still.  Devastation arose and grew deep with in the group, which she was now a part and now through tragedy and loss, she was tossed and thrown as the group held a lot of pain and wanted for her to feel it perhaps just as much.

She hesitated once or twice in matters of the heart and love, she knew the hesitation could ruin her. Though, she was finding that she was at the barrel end of a game called sabotage. .  This confused the newest group member.  She came from a place called love.  Where there weren't any motives within her that were driven by hate, jealousy or rage; or any ill feelings.  She continued to love, and love the place she had found with her true love.

Through time, this emotion grew poison inside of them.  And so they painted a bad picture of her, to whomever they would meet or cross.  The times were hard, though the group continued to progress each in their own growth.  She seemed to do the uncanny, the impossible, she set a path for herself like none has ever seen.  She made her way, hoping to make believers out of disbelief- in a place where there was very little.  She did this along with her love, who was also tormented by this group and the hate that they projected, he simply loved her, and of course this would hurt them.  They chose not to see the beauty, not just in her, but others and in life.  It was hard to hear of the misery that corrupted a once beautiful group.  They did not speak of highlights, or even dim lights.  They spoke of a missed life.  And time went on, though heavy burdens were being carried by all!  This girl still did what she could for the group.  A few times out of emergency.

Then all but lost hope.  One of the group members was caring for a loss, maybe a few losses.  Another of the group members understood this and both became bitter and their love for many things turned to more hate, more rage and more ridicule, no matter who they met or crossed.  The loss of a young sole, not meant to be on this earth, laid deep with in the groups hearts and soles.  It was miraculous what happened next-though sadly; this brilliant miracle seemed to cause more sadness, drew more sabotage and vengefulness.  More descriptions of the newest group member were being past around in every ill form -to the many they crossed along the way.  Still this girl believed in miracles, believed in love, believed in forgiveness, understanding the hurt, and the impossible.

She grew from this pain, and joy came to her.  Her love was by her side, every step, her feelings were hurt, his thoughts and views of her now were becoming vague, because of the ill spoken words towards her.  Still she loved with everything, believed in herself as well as her love as she always had faith by her side.  This group chose to see what was not good perhaps, when there was so much good to be seen everywhere.

Then when it was not suppose to be, a life of a little creature began to grow inside of her.  And it grew big, and it was out of sight.  The miracle's flourished around her, just as they always did, thinking that the life inside her may be due to her faith and the place she comes from; called love!

The group detested the fact that this life was thriving in her and thriving to this day, because theirs were taken from them.  This loss was dearly missed for all of them, and changed their thoughts completely.  Though out of this pain and torment a baby boy was bestowed upon the newest group member; as something to hold, keep and treasure for eternity!  Something she wished and prayed for had been given to her graciously from one place called Heaven.  This was a gift, something she thought she would or could never have.  A baby to call her Mother, as this was their first to be born to them and him to be called Father.  Though the hate grew stronger again and again over time.  The groups ridicule and unfairness turned to a point of damage.  This girl though kept loving, kept living, joyously and purposefully, she then was only true to only her, her Son and her love-her Family!

A baby was born, out of pure joy as well as pain. And love- just as many of the miracles happen this way -to the ever lasting significance of pureness, out of complete condition.  This girl became a Mother, a good and a great Mother, the Father, there was no one better!  Though this new bouncing baby boy, very fantastic already-she new that she could carry this boy through his life and teach him the good things that can only come out of love and wonderment, and all the great joys of life, the courage to think beyond criticism and ridicule.  To look at himself with all the love that there ever could be and to grow strong, not in his prejudices -but to look out in beauty, even when hatred lies within the few! To concern himself with the good instead of what is not good.  Turning only to love and above! 

There was a death, of the worst kind ever imaginable.  This death was to us a tear that can never be mended but only in ways that hurt now.  As this terrible tragedy could never be undone.  To paint a bad picture, why would anyone of value ever want to do that-No one would buy it.  If one were an artist would they ever paint a bad picture, I don't think so and not on purpose.  To do that would be a waist of energy as well as talent.  To paint a picture of love could only be beautiful. 

This girl though, she knows how this group feels towards her, how through the tested times, she may have been blamed although, through no fault of her own.  She lives her lifestyle well, and believes in better and better and the grand; she believes in Faith.   She only now wishes that others can see only true beauty, fantastic glory, and the wonderments that are everywhere.  This girl, believed in  miracles and wishes coming true, her whole life and that somehow good things will happen for her.  She believed this as a young girl, because she had no other choice, if she did not believe, she would not be here.  Even so young, she would have to pray being-hung by a string, hoping for better days. Then she found her faith, she found herself, she found her voice and place in life, she found her love, and grew knowledgeable still, she grew from this and her family grew-for the VERY FIRST TIME!!!  As, she tries to forgive and understand why people paint this awful picture, she smiles instead, believing that she will be good anyways, and that she will smile harder, be more kind and tolerant, and that life is also good, as well as the people in it.  Mostly her Son in which he came.

Not In Need Of Want

I lay here awake three nights ago, thinking about like I do sometimes "What do I really want in life."  The word want resonates a sour taste in my mouth.  "What do I want?" I asked myself, almost fretting that I had no answer to that question.  Days later, I asked myself again, "What is it that I want?"  Nothing came to mind.  I had an empty feeling in my stomach.  Pondering this for a day or two, I came to the best solution during my brainstorm.  "I don't want anything!"  "Really, could this be true."  Ok, then what is it that I need.  Again, the thoughts came up as nothing.  Then thinking further, I thought about all that I had, you know the list, I have a home, food, warmth, a family, a wonderful son, a career, and so on.  Then with taking a step further in my thinking.  I asked myself   "Am I truly then happy?".  "Am I really happy not in need of riches of gold or flowing circles of money or lavish gifts I bestow upon myself and others."  The longing of wanting has vanished, as I turn my thoughts to my blessings, health- check, family- check, shelter-check, food -check, lifestyle -check.  With the list of plenty that I scored with a plus 10 I turned my thoughts to contentment.  Am I a person who is happy with what I have, what I have acquired, personally?  Wow, I don't need nor want anything!  I have exactly what I have ever wanted.  No, it can't be, there must be a cute pair of shoes that I want, or another cutish outfit to buy and wear, or a new jacket for fall?  No, I realised; It is all here, in my heart and mind, my wants are everything in my life right here and now.  My journey has bestowed all my hearts desires.  So, I play my last card, aces...all aces.

The thing is, I came from a place that although reaching levels of pursuit, clumsily along the way.  I never thought I would have what I have in my life.  My life was much like a whisking tornado, one day here, the next day rattled with devastation.  The loved one's I have, never much new which day was going to be devastation, there were a few.  Then everyone packed together to put back all of the shambles while I searched for everything I ever wanted, no matter what the destruction.  This was not going to play out forever.  It was a care free existence in search for whatever would pump me up and make me shine.  Grateful, grateful, grateful, not empty with the devastation of nothingness; Grateful.  Happy -check,  Content -check,  Fulfilling -check.  Grateful -check.  Did I come to my senses and give up the petty days of disaster, searching for a quick fix of luxury?  Instead, filling those days with goals, aspirations, accomplishments, dreams coming true and love.  And here I am with everything I ever wanted surrounding me. 

I wake up every morning breathing, life is out there, life is in the next room next to me; my Son-my ONE hope, wish and desire that I had wanted longingly for; above any other.  My husband and partner who shares this life with me, his goals and accomplishments and dreams fulfilled.  I want what I have right here, now.

When I asked myself a few days ago, "What do I want"  when "Nothing"  was the answer, I felt a clear vessel of numbness, without a material gain in mind, what was I, what would I do if I did not want a thing, who have I become? What do I do now, if all I want is right here so tangible?  At first a frightening illish feeling, that turned into my most blessed thought.  Knowing that wanting and needing nothing, does not mean that it is time to give up, but a time to rejoice in all that I do have, gratefully acknowledging the facets of my life and the people in them.  Do I want gold, riches beyond compare, frivolous trinkets to glam up my life.  You can guess the answer.

  My life is no longer a surge of power that fuses out in the ridiculous attempts to create a façade of happiness.  My life is a place of peace, rest, vibrancy, surmountable love and joy, contentment in the little things and pleasure in the simple things.  Is this all I ever wanted.  By far Yes.

Imagine Peace

Is it to naïve of me to think of a world living in peace?  Just as I write it, I can think of a hundred ways as to why this sounds so cliché.  Though is it, can it be simple to imagine peace on a larger scale collectively and live in a peaceful world?  I heard someone say recently "Imagine if we woke up to the news in the morning, announcing that there is world peace".  "What?"  as I mulled this thought over, "what?"  I said to myself "Can we do that?" I guess we can.  That announcement would be the most relaxing, tranquil statement known to man, known to me.  Imagine waking up with a clear statement such as this, that we are now living in peace.  Is this even wise?  Can we actually live in peace as a human race?  Or is it just a forever fantasy.  Could this even be achieved.  Of course I like to think so, the thought is so fantastic!

I've grown up watching the many and abundant beauty pageant's growing up as a young girl, where every contestant talked of world peace altogether almost in a rhythmic tone.  "World peace, yes, I pray for world peace".  I hope for it.  But is it real, can it honestly be attained, or is it just a wish, as one would for the tooth fairy to show up on time.  The thought of world peace resonates amazing.  It feels like we would succeed at being peaceful.  But you can not fight for world peace and still be peaceful.  Peaceful in your heart, yes, peaceful in your mind, yes, within your home-there is some understanding of that, but on a global scale.  I'm not as sure, but am hopeful.

Attaining the peace we so want to conquer may then need to be evaluated.  Possibly imagining peace in our world, feeling how it would sound to hear that; YES, we have found World peace on the radio- would it be that easily transmitted through, to our imaginations, then through out our lives.  If we can see it, it can be-is not that what they say.  If you can see it, believe it.  As somewhat of a visionary, I think I will opt to imagine World peace and feel what and how that would be like.  The thought being as magnetic as it sounds, is possibly just a thought to imagine. 

What though, if we all imagined living in peace, every day for a year.  Yes, ever person in the World, given the assignment per say of imagining peace, for one year.  If everyone did, could it then be achieved, as we then see it through our minds eye.  If we did, could we become peaceful?  Instead of walking angrily (if once we were) would we then imagine it so that peace actually does start and penetrate from within?  Is that peace.  Imagining it is peaceful in itself, if everyone did this practice in a meditative way-could we then achieve it inside out?  Maybe?

Feeling that calm after imagining peace, is a pureness of delight I never knew existed.  Feeling that sit with me through out the last days, I felt much more at ease, almost as a surrender.  To be a peaceful society, we too then would most likely have to become that peace.  If we can imagine it, think, then believe it to be, is not the only last step towards peace -action?  Thoughts lead us this way, could anyone imagine peace for one year, everyday to grow to this personal level of peace.  To not just imagine it, but to breath it daily.  To have it so that peace is the only thing left to actually achieve as we fight for every other injustice.  Spending five minutes imagining the thought of peace and how a nation or society would look as a peaceful nation is bliss.  Could that simple technique bring about peace finally?

We have been discussing this topic for some time now.  I know this because of the beauty pageant girls vowing to bring this peace along with their success as a Miss so and so.  I am sure since then, since I was a young girl looking up to these models, that we have at least wanted some ounce of peace.  I am going to imagine it, it alone gives me a sense of peace.  Could it be that simple?

My Gift Is My Illness

I read a book once, Charles Dickens.  I never got past the first sentence.  It boggled my mind completely in English class, while everyone seemed to confront this book with grace and ease.  That was not my experience with Tale Of Two Cities.  Even the name baffled me, "Two cities in this tale, how does that work?"  "It was the best of time, it was the worse of times.  "Huh, best and worse, simultaneously?- How can that be?" Although open to understanding, I pondered this thought for some time.  Then I truly lived it.  This one sentence said it all.  I was a young girl, that was not though the best of times.  The best of times for me was when I was ruled by an illness I knew nothing about.  Bipolar What?  Bipolar was just as foreign as that first sentence in the Charles Dickens classic.  The book was heavy, the pages were packed full of words, the smell was old and musty, but tasteful.  It was overwhelming, and I was lost.  "Oh great"  I thought, "all I did was open a book and now I am going to fail English"  Which I didn't, I paid great attention to our class lessons and got the jyst of what garbles we were discussing. 

Bipolar, and mental health in general is much the same as an old and heavy, dusty book.  At first, puzzled, lost, in a daze of horror of the impending feeling of failing, the look on my Teachers-oops; I mean Mothers face was enough to know that I was headed down a dark and scary road.  My Mother knew it, I knew it.  This would be the worse of times.  I've talked about the battles, I won't bore you with the battles,  it was the worse. 

It was also the best.  With saying that, though not reading a morsel past this clever introduction to a huge undertaking of a novel, I can honestly say that what I learned through the course of the best days of my life, was honestly found in the enriches of my worse.  It was not just the lessons learned through triumph I love to discuss.  You know, how one road leads to greater understanding and fulfillment.  That with pain comes joy, and every parallel of duality of up and down, forward and backward, black and white.  It was the simple part of life only found through experiences of the worse.  If you lived the worse, the best sprouts up in every turn of the page.

I am able to live fully, in the moment.  Fully aware of the beauty around us, fully mindful of the fact that, tomorrow I could have a bipolar filled episode, and I better enjoy the days that I do have, when well.  Though, learning about gratitude and living it,  learning about a thankful life, and living it, learning about being becoming comfortable in my own skin and living it.  It was a breath of first-fresh air.  I filled my lungs, with the blessing of my gift; the best and worse of life.  Accepting that part of me, allowing it and living it. 

It became the source of fight or fright.  Nothing could ever be worse, nothing could ever be better.  Time did heal as the saying goes.  My greatest downfall and battle, became my mutant super power called gratitude.  Bipolar was the worse, I would not wish it on anyone, not even myself, bipolar though....is the best.

He Did It HIS Way-SHE DID IT ANYWAY

She was a girl who lost her voice.  How?  No one truly knows.  She lost a lot of things, her voice was just but one.  While on the way to losing her voice, she lost self respect, lost in relationships.  Some that could have been damn something!  She lost at battles, but again she lost her voice.  Sometimes she became Catatonic.  Something no one then, knew much about.  She lost her mind.  She quivered as she walked, looked down as she went to and fro.  A girl prior who you would never see hanging her head low.  No one would recognise her, not even her own Mother.  She had lost her soul.

Twenty years of crippling defeat is what it was, she had to fight, every second of the day, every breath, she had to fight back the tears while she walked halls, sidewalks, corners and beside picket fences, she hung her head low.  Why, she figured then, she was useless.  She figured then, no one could love her, she figured then she was unlovable.  Why?  Because of a Stigma called Mental Illness.

After days and days, hours and hours, minutes and minutes-She worked hard.  Yes at a job, or two or three, but she worked hard to gain her voice.  How, she looked herself in the mirror.  At first, she had to look away, she was horrified.  She looked again and again.  Then she met someone, who?  Herself.

She met herself in all the rotten glory of being human.  She cried and then a fierce glare returned to her eyes.  Ones of her youth, ones of victory, eyes of fight and promise.  Realising, she is human, and a woman.  And the fight was on.  What fight?  To win her voice back.  So then, she wrote.  She wrote about everything.  20 years of pages journal entries, she wrote letters gave some and ripped some and burned some.  She then used her voice-WOW, what a sight.  She gained her voice back. 

She would walk halls, although newer and different halls, she would walk sidewalks, newer, narrower sidewalks, she would walk corners and beside picket fences, smaller shabbier picket fences. Though now, she was smiling, now she was walking tall, she had found herself again.

Then she heard snickers, what did she say.  "Oh well, not my problem"  Then she heard whispers about her as she past by, people pointing, people laughing.  What did she say, "Oh well, not my problem".  You see, the things people were saying and had said, the things she would catch wind of through every corner, sidewalk and picket fences; was nothing compared to the things she would say about herself until-SHE FOUND HER VOICE.  What did she do?  Nothing.  She did Nothing.  She did not lay awake at night, worried to what others thought.  Like-"Who's That Girl and who does she think she is?"  She just carried on, head up, looking straight ahead, ignoring the remarks that came from the corners and the sidewalks.  What did she do?  She forgave herself for hating herself and she Loved herself for loving herself.  She realised that, IF HE said this, about ME.....What does that make HIM?  And if I say nothing about them....What does that make ME?  Better-  It makes me Better!  In every sense of the word BETTER!

She became stronger because of HIS and HER snickers, She grew a voice because of HIS and HER comments.  She became Better.  How, by Ignoring it, trusting herself, loving herself.  A young girl who forgot how to walk, though there was no wheel chair needed...her voice was crippled.  People attacked this girl after she found love for herself, what did she do, Nothing.  What did she really do, She did it anyway.  How?  Taking A STEP, a first, second, third that we all do, every step, she would walk harder, she would ground herself, take a deep breath, and think her own thoughts and she would smile, she would laugh, she would look to the sky and say....."WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WORLD"! 

What happened to the people whispering and laughing at the corners.  Well, they are still there you see, being just as harsh.....What did she do?  She did it anyway.

How Would We Ever Know

Personally and professionally speaking I am an advocate writer for mental health awareness, I take my job and role very seriously.  Sure sometimes, I may have typos, errors of course, most times I fail miserably in my own life  I am Human.  Though I try to write as eloquently as I can while touching on these sometimes harsh, sometimes light, sometimes dark and sometimes there is a parade like a spur I like to write upon about flowers, trees, beautiful rainfall, and the sound of laughter.  That being said, as a writer for advocacy of anything core related, I have to speak up and out.  That is my job and it is important to me.  Personally speaking, things have happened over the course of a couple weeks that have put our nation in great sadness.  Pardon me, while I try to write for advocacy.

A week ago I saw on our very highly rated social media that a young girl, was found behind a dumpster, being brutally raped.  The media along with social media had their strong viewpoints and so did I.  Many of my close contacts conversed, we talked in depth and hashed out all of the details, although hard for us to ever understand the torturous act and the injustice that followed was above all unacceptable.

What is making headlines is the fact that a young boy with a life ahead of him has been given I would say a slim to none sentence.  The heart of the matter is not being talked about.  I personally think it should be.  This girl was found, and the two boys of heroic nature who found her did the utmost best thing in their power.  This young girl though I am almost positive is not thinking or even fretting about the "nillish"  sentence that was laid upon "him" in the courts.  Yes, the courts failed, yes thier is an injustice.  Nothing about this is easy for us to fathom, understand or accept although all of us compassionate to the matter.  The core nature has been left as a shadow for the rest of this young girls life-perhaps?  I will now call her my Hero and hope she does not carry a shadow.  Recovering takes more then a century if ever in a lifetime. 

Now, my Hero hears that "he" has a very light to an almost moderate sentence.  I personally do not think she is mortified by this but mortified she is.  Of course, we are truly mortified, she though can now carry on.  She can carry onto heal, she can carry on to gain and draw strength, she can carry on with her life, however, changed.

Perhaps she can now feel the feelings she has missed for so long, the days when friends and life were among her, the times spent with family, the days when her worst days were not unbearable, perhaps now she can feel like a Hero, or just be a normal young adult again.  What is not being talked about purely is this:  SHE SAID SOMETHING, she put a stop to it, not just for her, but for so many and yes for her.  She said "NO" and "NOT ME" to victimization.  That in itself is the most courageous and bravest decision and she followed through.

What we grabbed as a society and of course rightly so, was anger for his sentence.  Perhaps what happened was to hard for us to even talk about, perhaps we were so confused and tortured by this as a society that it was much easier to cling onto the injustice, and not the healing and the heroic bravery that this young lady demonstrated very eloquently.

With an element of fright, perhaps quivery, she came out.  In the end, what is left?  A very strong figure to draw strength from.  Maybe and hopefully more people Stomping on victimization, saying NO, taking a stand, stepping up and leaving the shadow where it is meant to be, In The Lurch.  I'm hoping in my greatest hopes that she can soon move on, with so many now.  A light sentence or not, she became strong, from this, in whatever way, 'he' has been weakened.  If ever their was a lesson taught, this is it and she taught it.  She has now cast a shadow on 'him' instead of carrying it with her, it can now be left behind her, not tripping her up at every corner.  She is now free, and because of her, now are so many.

Bottoms Up

A Lady of wealth and abundance gets together for coffee with an old friend, this is what was said.

Lady:  "Oh my house, my house there is such terrible lighting in there.  I can hardly ever see, the lights are so dim.  It really tends to hurt my eyes".

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"Oh I would give anything for a home to call my own, as I use the glow of the Sun to see in the day and the light of the moon to see at night".

     The lady did not pay attention and said.

"Oh I made this tuna casserole yesterday and it did not turn out right, I was so disappointed with it that I ended up throwing it out in the trash".

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"It sounds so tasty, I would give anything for a hot meal.  I have to search high and low for any amount of food and drink."

     The lady did not pay much attention and said.

"My gardener is the worst, my lawn is always in shambles, my garden is an embarrassment, I don't know what to do with her."

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"My flowers are of the wild variation, they grow far and wide, although they are not really mine, but mine to see.  I would do anything for a garden of my own."

     The lady did not pay much attention and said.

"Oh don't get me started on Television, there is nothing worth watching on TV these days."

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"Oh I don't really watch any Television, my entertainment is watching the birds fly over head, watching the Sun rise and set, watching the clouds and the trees blowing in the wind and the crashing of the Lake at the shore.

     The lady did not pay much attention and said.

"Oh these shoes are so old, I don't even know why I still have them or why I even wear them".

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"I have only one pair of shoes and yes they are old too."

     The lady did not pay attention and said.

"My hydro bill was through the roof, these hydro companies are making a killing off of us.

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"I have not had any bills to pay in many years, my warmth comes from the leaves on the ground, the trees that surround me, the Earth from the days Sun, The warm breezes on warm days, when it is cold I bundle up and build a fire, I wrap myself in my blanket.

     The lady did not pay attention and said.

"Oh I wish I knew someone who needed a mattress, mine is so warn, it's too floppy and old, I can never get a good nights sleep"

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"I am sure I can use your beat up old mattress.

     The lady did not pay attention, then she said.

"We will have to do this again, I will pay for our drinks this time, you can pay next time."

     To this her friend smiled.