My Parents Had to Let Me Go-So That I Could Look UP!

I have very loving Parents, have very loving Aunts and a Brother like no other.  I was Falling, cracking through the surface for many years.  My Family was torn when they learned about me having a chemical imbalance.  You may have read, I was 21 dropped out of higher education twice, hospitalized, going from job to job only lasting at most 2 years.  I went to group counseling, and individual counseling- My Loving parents also went to group counseling in order to help them help me and in the processes help themselves. 

Still though, I had all the help in the world.  Doctors were supportive, my Family always there to pick up the phone, pick up the pieces, talk me through things almost every single day.  I still worked...ended up taking two courses in which I did finish, trying to stay on track with the medication cost was overwhelming.  I needed a really good education in order to pay this fee every month.  Still though, I was clearly not healthy.  I was then 25 and drinking, binge drinking off and on.  Some years, I wouldn't touch it, I was sensitive to it, three drinks and it would throw my nervous system way off and mixing medication with that is just a terrible idea.  Through the years though, my Family, Brother, Aunts, Mother, Father were always there for sound advise, fix my troubles-take care of all that was haywire in my life, over and over...They knew after far to long that they just had to STOP saving me, rescuing me from sometimes dangerous situations.  AND letting go, was far harder on them then it was for me.

I wanted them to let go, I knew deep down just as much as they did, this pattern we created was not working.  So being 33 years old, they all stopped!  They had to and I knew it!  Although we would still talk to each other, they were not going to jump in their car, racing to every pitfall and slip that I endured.  So with them letting me GO...THE ONLY WAY TO LOOK WAS UP!  My father told me for years, your crises and your misgivings will build character.  Which I thought..Great, I would love to have some character.  AND yes, I would love to LOOK UP!

I was use to falling into a whole, but someone was always there to reach for me.  So Proudly, I say they let me sink further and further.  They had to watch me sink, not guide me up.  In this I learned again Proudly, to stand on my own, my VERY OWN!  I ended up with NOTHING, not a dime, not a house, everything GONE.  We still talked, almost everyday, they just simply asked "How are you doing"  NO advise, no should haves or would haves...Just I Love you, be safe!

So now, years later...I must say, although a late start in adulthood and independence, I am better for it.  I now am able to say freely, I take care of myself...Rent is always paid, bills are always paid, I have a fun and interesting career that I get a lot of fulfillment from, I met and fell in love with my Partner,  We have a happy home with great neighbours- To this I say Finally...My Partner too has a thriving and very fun career...both of us in the arts.  I have close ties with my family, near or far...I am not shy or awkward in social settings. When I met my husband I could not even go sit in a restaurant with out feeling ashamed or a sense of discomfort, now I am able, effortlessly-I have many things that I always wanted. 

There are so many things I overcame, battles I had to fight, things I had to learn about myself and the world around me.  With my Parents and family LETTING GO of my hand, letting me slip through the cracks, I got over many wounds, healed, began to be able to laugh again; even at myself...I was not afraid any longer...!!  I learned to be comfortable in my own skin.

Building up from which I fell was the fun part...everyday learning something new about what makes me "tick".  Now with a loving family who I am not a burden to, but a contributing part of the whole, they do not have to feel guilty, feel that they have to run to my rescue, they too have overcome their fear of letting me run my course.  Them doing that simple act I was able TO BE present, clear, able, sound, full of life and energy....love and FINALLY HAPPY, CONTENT, STRENGTHENED, COMPASSIONATE, and INDEPENDENT...Letting me go, giving me a chance to breath on my own...WAS the best decision WE made consciously as WE knew it would NOT work any other way.  Now there visits are frequent, are talks are fun and light hearted, I am there for them, but no one is a rescuer for each other.  We show love, give hugs, and stay in touch.  They are most likely very HAPPY that I have hit my last sink hole and I know very  thrilled that I have a partner who is just as happy as me.  We now have a family, with our first arrival in May, a place to call HOME, and family who is able to enjoy our happiness, and love for one another.  Thank YOU to my family, for knowing WHEN to let me fall.  They did not just teach me and guide me how to live...THEY let me LIVE! xoxo

I believe it was the late Robyn Williams who said...When nothing else works, whats left is what is RIGHT!

Reflection in a Day- NOVEMBER 11th

Days come and days go, we do the best we can.  Some days we challenge ourselves to the suns glow trying to get over humps and bumps-lucky to only come out with a tiny scratch...and GOOD on US!  Some days are easy, you sail by them like the blowing wind.  Some days, you wake up and simply put; it is not what you bargained for.  You can go to sleep gently the night before-Thanking and being thankful to the Heavens above and wake up to a down poor of either gentle rain and stormy weather.

For the last week, I took a pause-which I rarely do.  I never was one to think back on my journey to much growing up...just went with it, went for it, moving faster and faster everyday-People would say SLOW DOWN you are always in a rush...and I was...Until I learned the sense of solitude, rest and reflection.

I lay my head at night, each and every night, talking out loud YES outloud to my God, My Husband and Partner always asking-who are you talking to, I say HIM or My Nanny whom I know is my guardian angel..others who have passed, but I still do feel such a connection and do continue with the relationship even after this life has parted us...They have always seen me through and I know always will...personally I begin by being thankful...for the loves in my life, the love I can generate for myself from within, with HIM who has showed me how to love myself.  I pray for the things I feel are needed either with our lives, or others whom have touched me, and always my family and if it was a "bad" day-term used very lightly because as I said days come and days go... I Lay there talking away to HIM for hours...and then reflect on my days beginning, middle and end.  In this there is peace, harmony and love I feel surrounding me always.

Today was not a great start to November 11th and how can it be a good day, when you YES feel proud of our country, stand by our soldiers, those who HAD to fight for whatever reason that there culture or our culture needed them to.  Today on November 11th we woke up to our very old Cat ruby, who lived with us a long time passing away as well.  I looked at her struggle in the end and it shook me.  Seeing her fight for her life as I saw she was deteriorating broke our hearts as we woke up this morning and not only said Goodbye to our family member our Cat, but also to the soldiers, from whatever part of the Globe you come from...IT is not easy on any one of them or us-however you like to see it.  What I am proud of is our country, we are quietly proud, with a conviction for life and love like no other.  We enjoy our peace, the allowance to live each day as they go by in any which way we want for ourselves.

I allowed myself breathing room for the last week, a tranquil moment for myself and my family at home.  Living the days, not working-searching for my next big hit, but reflecting on my journey-personally...WITHIN this there is growth, a sense of wonderment, putting pieces of your life or mine in order, to become at peace with all that you are and all that is human is a grieving process as well as a growing process.  Knowing that in my reflections I not only think critically about how the day started and how it ended...is a process in my journey.  Today as it was a sad Day this Rememberance Day and as we put our cat to rest.  I had to fight through the day, to make me ONE again, whole again...Peaceful again.

I ate, did what I needed to do, errands, life things....Then we rested, nurtured ourselves, my partner in his ways and me in mine.  We slept, rejouvenated, recharged.  It is the end of a year in a few short months a time for reflection, to make you better thus in the end the world better.  The tranquility and peace I found this last week, was challenging....People sometimes challenge your peaceful nature...sometimes challenge your love of life...the way you live it, your own beliefs.  I took it in stride and from waking up in tears, to gathering my thoughts and heart and mind...I was able to RELIFT my soul!  NO doctor, nurse or caregiver can give you as much strength for the challenging days as you can yourself.  We are all in it together...Sure I vow peace each and everytime...BUT when challenged by this life, I will honour myself, my nature, who I am...who HE intends for me to be, for the ANGELS walking with me, pushing me to go further and further along.  TO BE ME...Reflection is my form of understanding ME in this world, when there still is War's being faught, still soldiers standing up, having to leave their homes and families a luxury that we have and know nothing what it is like....

I only know my journey, am PROUD to say I know myself and do love myself...love our country and our world.  There is a part of a soldier in each and everyone of us to get up and do it each and everyday.  Some who are fighting for there lives because of sickness...Be glad for the glowing Sun, even if the rain poors down days later...Be glad for the snow, making us stronger survivors in this world.  Be Brave enough to stand up for WHO you are, WHO HE wanted and intended you to be and don't say sorry to anyone who challenges your charactor- only HE knows what battles you are fighting and what fires you blow out daily just to live in peace.  Be reflective on your journey, Learning all the time, new ways to BE, LOVE and CHERISH.

Be peaceful all the time, be loving all the time-IF you speak your truth then you have done know wrong.

See you Soon Ruby you gentle and precious soul...See you soon to the soldiers who faught for US to be peaceful and free...and See you sometime- to all the angels watching over us, giving us hope, love and a gentle knowing that you are all there for us in each and every way ALWAYS..Good night to our soldiers who are still fighting, Sleep well to the ones who are fighting for their lives.  IN this days reflection, I say Thank YOU!

Fill the Void of Your Inner Rainbow

You see it all the time, and I use to be there and one of them too.  When someone feels there is a void to be filled, he or she may TRY to fill that void using the only method they know how.  There are many reasons one feels a little empty.  Basically, they-He or She are off balance, something in their life may not be what they envisioned for themselves, maybe they have a crucial schedual to keep up with and the only down time would be to fill that feeling of unbalance until they're filled up.  How long does that "quick fix" generally last  though?  Filling a void could be many things, it could be costly, IE: running to the quickest clothing apparel shop for what they call "Shop Therapy".  That was my void filler, I had so many clothes for so many years, some with tags on and the clothes never worn.  Every week, I would hit the shops and call it Shop Therapy for years.  I don't do that anymore..I now have learned over time to LOOK WITHIN, find what will fill me up, either creatively, musically, socially, or other.  It feels great at first when you fill that cup in a quick sense, the next day though-the void is still remaining.

Balance, how do we achieve a balance of health, social, rest/relaxation, fun and work to continue without having to chase a rainbow-Instead finding the rainbow within-with many pots of golds and treasures?  Fill that void by looking within-rather then outside forces.  Some people too, just feel a great need or desire to obtain the next great buy, or any other means to fill the emptiness inside.  The trick of the quick fix leaves you right at square one.  So with a balance, of health-eating right-excersise, spirituality/positivity, being social, resting and relaxation.  Once those needs are filled-then we can begin to look within. Separate you needs from your wants; someone taught me that and I practiced it regularly.  So instead of going out and buying the most fancy dress boots, I began to look at my strengths more and more, in order to develop my even flow of independence, positivity, spirituality, rest, fun etc.  I didn't have to run to the closest store to get my fix.

In saying that, don't deny yourself little luxuries, we all like them and yes they are needed as well, but within that there is balance.  One way to fill up, is to find out what your good or even great at!  If you don't know, think again of your likes and dislikes-if you enjoy reading, singing, dancing-could be anything.  Do that more and more often of the things you like-take time for yourself and allow yourself to do these "likes" and you will be filling yourself up with the colours of the rainbow!!  If your are just NOT happy...in life, where you are, what your doing...Change it, step by step; allow yourself the freedom to choose what LIFE you want.  If you are taking a course, or subject and you just feel miserable while trying to learn the ins and outs of that course...That can be changed too!  Take something more you..maybe auto mechanics, anything that will make you want to JUMP out of bed to start the day.  IF you are unhappy, own those feelings...accept it, you don't have to pick up and move to Idaho...Just start with knowing what is not working in your life-instead of fixing it with a new purchase, or anything else that is a void filler in your life.

There are so many things to do and be doing-that really don't cost an arm and a leg.  It took me a while to realize I have more fun hiking through trails and taking pictures then I have when I buy some random item come home where it-spill something on it, tear it by mistake...just to go out and do it again.  I use to wake up everyday, thinking...hmmm..what purchase can I make today...??? I did that for a very long time.  Until again I learned about ME, what I liked to do, what made me happy and I chose day in and day out to be happy everyday.  Sure there was work-it did not come overnight.  Now, once my needs are met, health etc...With a proper balance, now I decide how I want to spend time.  I had to be learn to be alone and like the feeling of me in my own space, in order to recharge on my own terms, without being caught in a void trap.  Find out what your void is, what YOU REALLY WANT...think...:IS this brand new pair of boots etc...REALLY going to be the be all and end all to make my life complete"?? Then think-"What will make my life complete"?  Once you have the balance down, simple pleasures come easily...your void is filled before you step out the door.  You do wake up HAPPY ready to enjoy the pleasures and even challenges of the day.

If your caught in a spiral of life with no balance, no nurturing of thyself, no feelings-just going through the motions....Think to yourself...What do YOU really want..??  Is it that fancy car that will make yourself feel filled FOREVER...Is that Car or House going to make a happy home all the time or the car a happy commute all the time...??  Think of yourself as that Car or House, how would you maintain it to fill it up with love and care, with balance in order to be a happy home or car?  Put as much love and devotion into yourself as you would your job/career, relationships, material items.  It may take time, to fill the void on your own terms, with your likes while creating balance!  Filling the void of your Inner Rainbow is MUCH, I will say it again MUCH more gratifying then going in circles chasing the pot of Gold-When there is a GOLD RUSH within each and every one of US within our heart of hearts, YES the POT of GOLD is filled with so many treasures, right within YOU...no outside force can create more JOY and long lasting happiness then knowing within there is a rainbow so big right inside of you.

WHY I CERTAINLY LOVE ME! ...A SELF LOVE LIST FOR SELF ESTEEM!

People often say, "Oh I had a great day, the weather is great" OR "I love my partner he/she is so wonderful"  OR even "The World is such a great place" Etc, etc etc.  Never do I hear anyone, not young or old saying so much as boo about themselves and why they LOVE THEMSELVES.  I THOUGHT "Why not start a LIST naming every possibly thing you LOVE and ACCEPT about yourself FOR self esteem.  People write Gratitude lists all the time.  Loving yourself though and saying or speaking up about it, never comes easy...I CHALLENGE every Man, Woman, Teen, Child to write a few things they CERTAINLY LOVE about themselves everyday...!  Believing and valuing yourself is a key ingredient to self love, acceptance and I believe over coming anything.  SO I WILL START and why not?  Please feel free to write on Facebook, Twitter or a piece of paper of WHY you LOVE YOU!  IF you do it, then others too who may need self love will most likely DO IT TOO!  I will do it everyday for Ten Days...and Challenge others to do the same and also every time they write their self love list, challenge someone or a couple people to follow in their self love challenge.

DAY 1

AHH, I love myself, because I have handled a lot of issues in my Life, head held high and with class.

AHH, I love myself because I tell people who I am, what I am about and set proper boundries so I nor others don't get hurt.

AHH, I love myself because I have a dream and am following IT!

AHH, I love myself because I truly believe I am good to people and care deeply about the ones I love.

AHH, I love myself because I am taking care of my health.

AHH, I love and adore myself because I am funny and comical.

AHH, I Love myself because I like to make people laugh and if/when I make a mistake I can quickly turn it into a laughable momment.

AHH, I love myself because if I have a goal, which I have many I tackle them by sifting through the wrong goals and chasing the real and more suitable goals.

AHH, I love myself because even when I hurt, I get up each day and try again.

AHH, I love myself because I believe I am a valued part of society.

AHH, I love myself because I am not who I was last year or years prior but more the way I always envisioned myself.

AHH I love myself because I am there when others need me.

LASTLY,

AHH, I love myself because I am aware of my strengths and my limitations and TRY to stay within those marks.

I challenge anyone, everyone...To write as many possible things a day as to why they LOVE themselves...We do it for gratitude and it helps us tremendously to do so, Why not give back to ourselves and see how we feel after doing this fun and easy CHALLENGE...Everyday will become easier...I believe anyone who chooses to do this, will in fact either LEARN to love themselves, or LOVE themselves that much more.

SIDE NOTE; after doing this challenge myself, I had an ache in my heart...HONESTLY, after doing this the pain is gone...I woke up being pregnant wondering what could it be...and was cautious-Now that I did this challenge it honestly.. vanished...so quickly.  Hmm...Try the challenge it couldn't hurt...Share with whomever is in your circles So, they to have a voice and encouragement as to why it is OK to say what and why they love themselves...I will set out the challenge for a few people every day!...Try it out...FOR Self esteem, for the one's that don't seem to have a lot, the one's that hang their heads low, the one's that you may not know but go home crying at night.  PASS IT ON!

What Do You Choose To Thrive off of?

What you choose to thrive off of or in fact react to, says a lot about how your mental health will be for you now and in the future.  Things happen, like they say "Take the good with the bad"  How much bad are you willing to endure, until you put a stop to the nonsense and dramatics of life.  You can choose to get right in there and go with wherever the drama flows.  OR you can choose to ignore the complaints, the sabotaging, the looks of distaste and go merrily along.  Not everyone are you going to agree with all the time, have the same likes, dislikes, moods, reasoning and way of handling and dealing with things.  Not everyone are you going to like, not everyone is going to like you.  Some people will like not one thing about you, while another person will go to all lengths for you because they do truly fancy you, who you are and what you are about.

What do you do if you are in one heck of a happy mood and someone leaves you with a bitter taste, not that you do not enjoy them or love them and like them even.  The negativity that someone else carries can definatly leave you with that sour taste.  You may still love them, want them to be happy.  How you choose to react will leave them either in a place to turn around their negativity voices, or what one really has to do is to not react to that person.  Don't give that person an audience.  Choose to walk away.  You may care still, but if the drama is causing havoc on your emotions, feelings of self love, if you find then you too are carrying around that toxicity then you really have to withdraw, "Smile and nod is what I always say, turn around walk away, don't let it upset you, enjoy your day"

I know in my Life I have had drama, who hasn't really?  It took me to many years to conquer my upset emotions, my soap opera life, my heavy heart...Did anyone want to listen over and over...when the same thing would happen, then I would complain for months, never solving anything...My negativity was draining, I was attracting draining people as well, unhappy people.  Sure I learned to rid myself of that meri-go-round, that was my choice, I was sick of the bantering, critisising, it really did leave me upset, in the middle of every little drama and wanting to bring others along with me-to my unhealthy state was to me "very selfish". 

There are always going to be issues, problems, concerns, LIFE...None of that ever goes away.  You either succumb to every battle going on within or with the outer part of your world.  OR like I taught myself, overcome, over ride, rise above.  You could be 14, or 44 or 74 if your still complaining about the things you have been complaining about since you were 14 doesn't leave much room for people or yourself let's say to grow.  I call it muddled thinking.  It is to me personally, a waist of my energy.  It is not that I don't have upsetting times.  I use to have them daily, everything was an upset and everything was boiling over and past the boiling point.  No one wanted to listen for very long.  They would much rather see me smiling then with a grimace or frown.  No one wanted to hear how horrible everyday, every minute that I endured through out every second of my life.  Hate begets hate. 

So what do you do when someone is bantering on about toxicity that you want no part of.  The best thing that I have said before is, and do from time to time-simply say "I don't care for that topic, I don't feel that way,  Or simply and to the point-it is really hard on me if I speak or hear things upsetting".  That is really the best way to go, then you will most likely not have to endure the fright of non essential emotion from that person.  You set a boundary, you say what you are willing to talk about and not.  OR another way, ignore, which I do very often...I tend to laugh it off with something so ridiculous, usually nothing to do with the topic at hand and say something very out of the ordinary, which also stops them in their tracks of misery.  Someone will say, OH my goodness did you see that person saying or doing this or that, I tend to come back and say..."OH I had the best roast beef dinner last night, or Did you see the stars shining or OH I bought this great outfit to wear to such and such or even did you see the hockey game?" 

Your feelings are yours, the way you think are of your own mind, how you hold yourself, what you say and do are all up to you. 

I, bottom line have to choose to hear love, enjoy love, think love, create love, be love, enjoy others and every part of my day.  If I do not choose, healing, love, empathy, consideration, gratitude, giving, LIFE, then I personally am putting my life and health at risk.  As hard as it is, I have to enjoy the winter, enjoy the rain, enjoy the damp, enjoy the dark, learn to love something about each and every person I meet, OR I will not be healthy. 

Unfair as it may seem, I have to put my mind of health first- This is life, I love it, I choose to love it and I can not let myself Choose To thrive off of others in any sort of negative way...OR I suffer, and the ones around me suffer.  With mental illness comes healing and learning to heal over and over again- I Must respect that part of myself!  With it it comes learning to allow myself to be happy and not dwell on the trivial things...With mental illness it is hard sometimes to conquer any day, to keep your head held high and above water...I taught myself to hold myself up and proudly.  I know exactly how to be happy and grateful each and every single day without it being a struggle or burden. 

So for me, I choose to thrive off of the Happy and Great and Wonderful instead of the sad, toxicity of a day, the drama of the world-even if merely on the News.  Call it sensitive, My health relies heavily on my thoughts, beliefs and feelings.  I choose to thrive off of love and then do my best to pour that love onto the ones I hold dear, so that love is overflowing in me, us and whomever chooses to love not hate, show kindness not cruelty and so on.  My health is number ONE...without that, there would be nothing else and personally once again...I worked to hard to have a positive mindset to let anyone put a hole in my healthy way of being, reacting, settling and the way I choose to see the world, love the world, the people in it and myself.  Mental health is very personal, upsetting, complicated and confusing.  I choose to have my mental health in tact every day, every step from morning to night.  That is my choosing, to see the world as I see it, so that I can live, be, breath healthy possibly able to lighten any dark situation...I have beaten my Illness, that to me is LOVE...For me a Healthy mind = simply a pure loving heart always. 

Poem "Gossip Kills" -a form of bullying-

Poem

Tamara Thompson

Chimpmunka Publishing Author

"Gossip Kills"

-a form of bullying-

I sit in quiet and watch the crowd,

their voices becoming angry and for me way to loud.

I wait for the gossip to end,

snickering in corners, while I thought we were friends.

You may not know, but it hurts me so,

to be laughed at and taunted-"You think I don't know?"

Brushed aside for no reason, just a turn of the season.

 I try to be kind, you just say "Never Mind!"

No one is perfect this I know for sure,

Gossip kills, comes back to YOU two fold.

You are opening the gate, for you too will be laughed at with hate.

 It doesn't feel nice, to be picked a part you will see, you just wait.

When you are alone and no one seems to care,

that is when you know the burning of a nothers stare.

So please bite you toungue, this room is quite small,

I can hear everything you are saying, from this side of the wall.

How hard is it to be nice, say hello-How are you?

It makes a nicer day, not having to feel like a fool.

 It washes off my back anyway, I know to whom I am adored.

For them I count my blessings, and believe in love forevermore.

Stop the gossip please, it is a silent killer with no sound,

Just one loud voice, shouting out loud.

How would you feel, to be pointed upon, and shunned aside,

It doesn't feel nice, Gossip is just a bunch of LIES.

So stop lying to yourself and others you like to tell,

Gossip will kill others silently, sorry to say, but you as well!

Tamara Thompson

Author

Poems of a Codependant

Happy Birthday Jack

Before You Were Born

www.chipmunkapublishing.co.uk

www.amazon.com www.amazon.ca

I am NOT crazy, I AM pregant!

Three years ago my husband and I decided to try to conceive.  Nothing was working.  Although it did bother me in many ways, I thought `well-this is what The Man ABOVE wants for us...NO kids`.  My Husband an artist and illustrator and me a children's author and writer, I thought in all fairness to me, "Well, I guess I have the chance to work on my writing career and my husband and partner on his art adventures and career."  I really never thought it was possible for kids.  Although I wasn't going to go to all lengths to conceive, I thought to myself "I will be a great aunt to my Nephews and Nieces and be a great Wife to my partner, while working on my craft; writing and him his art pieces and illustrations". Sweet!

Now, fourteen books writen, Six published and Three on the way to being published; me being 38 and husband 42, with his art being sold in upcoming gala`s and events and selling his masterpieces.....I thought, "I will be happy with that"  It was in the back of my mind, I must admit.  I did feel cheated, thought about adoption and other options; though knowing I would never try any medical measures-to me it was nature and So Be It.

This past 2 years I was on a plight to health, harmony and happiness.  I naturally lost 70lbs, no dieting-as I don`t partake or believe in any sort of dieting...just Health! I ate and drank only healthy drinks...with the odd 400 calarie intake of Hot Chocolate minus the whip cream.  I took up dance and went to a latin inspired dance class twice a week.  I was feeling GREAT!  I got off my medication that was gaining the weight and causing havoc with my emotions.  The pharmasist I went to was on my side...He called it ``My Little Experiment...!  I got all my teeth fixed and polished and made sure they were all pearly whites.  A once xl or 1x- I became a size small...and felt fabulous.  I made sure I made ammends with any one I harmed in my life that I did not know or wasn't aware that I harmed.  I made complete peace with my past and my LIFE as it was.

One day out of manic emotion I called a health supplement store, we talked and she told me and sent articles of her supplement that helps with fertility.  I turned down the offer for her supplement as we began to talk, she said she could help me differently and wanted to call me and "TALK"...I said "Ok, you seem to know a lot...why not"?  One night she spent two hours talking with me and praying, I thought "couldn't hurt to pray about this, and her prayers were LOUD and CLEAR"  I let go of all hurts from the past, forgave anyone I harmed and forgave myself for any harm, I told her of my other life problems and we prayed about those too.  Then on my birthday she took me out for tea and lunch.  I felt at ease speaking to this lady and again we prayed.  I am a positive person...but praying, although I believe works...My faith may not have been as strong as I thought.

After speaking to this lady, I continued with my life, still writing, striving, She told me that "miracles can happen..."  So as easily as she said that, I BELIEVED in miracles right then and there.  Also, in turn I began to believe in myself!

I was determined...I thought, I can do this, WE can make a Baby, with HIS help!   I thought this is what we want and HE said we can have miracles in our Life!  I made a Dr's appointment for something way different then about conceiving, I had stomach issues, My wonderful family Dr. sent me to have my very first ultra sound, being 38, he knew my history very well.  As soon as I saw the Ultra Sound Technician I randomly asked how my reproductive system is, He said "FINE, NOTHING WRONG WITH IT" 

"WOAH?, WHAT?"  I thought, Wow really I have a fighting chance.  Two months to the Day I am Now Two months Pregnant, with our VERY first child.  Prayers answered, determination full force, belief in my self and the heavens all restored, forgiving my past and myself and others completely. 

We had no clue until this year Sept 08th, We had no clue as we were moving boxes and moving into a bigger place Sept 1st-A house and out of our small 500 sq ft apartment, that was quite crammy.  NOW, having an extra room that we can put to good use!  My career swiftly moving along, My husbands career off and running as we still pationatly tackle all our creative endeavors.  I am exactly today two months pregnant.

We went to the Ultra Sound this week, I was nervous, I never realized that once you find out you are pregnant you are given two seconds of elation and then now 7 more months of worry.  Lucky, I have great friends and family to walk me through it and relinquish my worry.  A great husband who has 4 sisters who have been through this before and a very supportive Mother, Father, In Laws and Neighbours.

We woman think about kids, want kids, feel the need and want to nurture.  There were many things at play maybe working against me, my jitters, my anxiety, other areas I had to work on.  NOW I KNOW...Even though I have a Mental Health issue, that does not mean I am not capable of being a wonderful MOM.  I really thought in my heart of hearts that I didn't deserve a child in my life because I have Bipolar, even though I worked vigourasley on every issue at hand day in and out! I gave myself my own stereotype and stigmatised myself into thinking, I AM NOT WORTHY or GOOD enough to have a child of my own...

MIND over MATTER, my Father always taught me.  I am healthy, wise, happy, more then content, have a wonderful partner, a Career I am proud of and now a belief in myself that I can have bipolar and be a perfectly FIT mother for Our baby, meant just for US...Bipolar or not, this baby is going to be LOVED, adored, nurtured, held, respected, given peace, I will teach him or her how to dance like I did with all my younger cousins and nieces and nephews.  I can teach, guide and ``help`` mold, give advise when needed.  While my husband can also, LOVE, adore, nurture, hold, respect, give light and peace, teach to colour and show his great skills of art and all things beautiful and colourful in the World.  So Yes, I am not crazy but I am PREGNANT!