So Tell Me, Am I a Victim?

I never considered myself a victim.  I went through crap-but never thought of myself that way-some may have.  Although, I think I know myself and tend to think of myself in higher regards.  Also I don't count myself out that quickly!
 
It is true I went through a period or two, perhaps a stage of great falling into a whole perhaps? Determination in my thoughts to climb out truly takes away my feelings of any amount of victimhood that I could ever see in myself.  I met people along the way that did speak in terms of victimhood.  I though could not relate.  A string of bad luck, on my end...in no way a victim. 
 
I crawled in great despair, out of sadness, lonely days, the days that never seemed to end of years of fighting my depression and anxiety.  I do not use those words loosely.  As a fighter, not willing to relent.  I knew with my faith and love for myself that would soon return, that I would regain the devotion to my morals and values-meet like minded people and be true to the power that I hold within to come back from my failures.  So tell me am I a victim?
 
The people that I was meeting at the time, hoped I would remain that "deer in the headlight girl" that I once was.  What they did not know was that, was not me.  It was a period of me, but not my nature, not my conviction for Life and the Life I knew I have lived and could live again.  I of course as a writer, took all of those hang ups, the ditches I feel in, the wholes I fell in and came up swinging.  The people that took me for a "deer in the head lights type", have never seen me swing a bat, hit a ball, run my ass off, steal a base, to a back flip, a mean dive of the diving board, a dance that is light, fun and easy or a slide home then, cheer with all the fellowship of winning that I have learned over the years.  So tell me am I a victim?
 
I learned from the best, street smarts-my Husband took the time to see me gain confidence in my courage to be aware, and to walk tall, to remember to not let anyone step over me, and to weed out the ones that did not see me as I am...So tell me am I a victim?
 
No, I am not.  I never thought I was, never to a vow or oath of victimization and to have that persona be a part of my soul.  I never once said, that this was it for me.  No, I said...This will be my lesson, I will learn from it and walk away from it, I will not put myself in a category of such hatred for myself, I will be better, get better, I will learn who I am again, how to fight again and how to look love me again.  I never lost the touch of how to throw a mean ball, hit a triple down in left field, do a  round off on a balance beam, a spin or two on the gymnastic bars.  So I ask MYSELF am I a victim?  NO, I am not.  I ask you, Are YOU?  The answer is as well....NO, never and not in a million.

The Sinking Feeling

I walk through the doors, it is my first day-feeling tense and nervous already.  This is my new place of work.  Where I will reside for the next years, to make ends meat.  Having bills to pay, a house, car, having to put food on the table.  But-I am nervous.

I walk through the door-here I go.  I smile, a shy yet slanted smile.  People smile, but have the wonderment in their eyes.  "Will she work out".  The boss shows me to the lunch room where I can hang my coat and put away my purse.  Show time!

I fumble of course, as it is only my first hour on the job.  People look and stare, politely though.  I feel their stares now even when my head is turned.  I drop a pen on the floor and pick it up, while stepping towards my desk I trip lightly, catching myself and then I sit.  Still feeling the hovering of glares above, around and even beneath me.  I end the day and say "OH I love it here, I had the best day."  The boss returns and says..."We love having you here, I hope you stay on with us"  Just the pep talk I would need for the next coming weeks.

I turn around smile at the others, they smile and nod politely and say "How did you like it"?  "Oh it is fantastic, I am really excited".  "Ohh...it's easy they said, you will get the hang of it".

All eyes are on me, the new kid in town.  I brave the weather and come back to work for a second day.  I walk in 5 minutes to starting my shift.  Everyone seems so busy, working away, phones ringing-handling their work tasks like a Lion Tamer.  Bouncing around, helping each other out where it is needed.  Making jokes that only they would get, from years past, teasing each other with the look off sass and zest.  I sink into my chair, hoping that one day I could possibly be the butt of an office joke. 

My phone does not ring, I turn on my PC and login.  I scratch my head, thinking that by doing that it may pass the day, or better yet, may look like I know what I am doing.  Today the staff are way to busy to concern themselves with the new girl.  I grab a tissue and wipe my computer and keyboard.  In hopes to look just as busy and on the ball as the rest of the crew.

I tend to my work the best I can, try to look like I fit in.  Smiling when someone looks my way-sheepishly.  Hoping in my heart of hearts that I don't screw up.  I start to read the manual, which I had already read yesterday...But really want to get the guidelines and ethics down.  The phone rings, I jump but hesitate at the same time.  One ring, two rings...I frantically yet professionally look for the "PHONE SPEEL"    Pick it up, say the speel...answer the questions I do know, press hold-although forgot to tell the person on the other end, who may or may not be someone very important, a VIP or CEO.  I then regain control and press TALK, "Oh Can you hold"?  Even though they already heard the soft music in the back ground.  I smile, to look diligent and respectful.

I shout to my co workers, "Does anyone know who is the bla bla bla and where is the bla bla bla and when did the bla bla bla occur"?  "NO"  was the answer as my resources are nill and next to nothing.  I walk up to the boss lady, ask her about the who's and the how's saying so and so is on the phone.  She gives me direction.  "PHEW".  Task almost complete, pick up the phone, give the customer the best answer I can, although I stumble my way through it.  Hang up!

Think then that this would be a great time to go and use the washroom to catch my breath for a few minutes.  As I come out from the washroom the door looses me and somehow slams behind me, I look back in a startle and smile, delighted in the fact that I am still here and think to myself it is only first week jitters.

I smile and tilt my head at one of my co workers to at least gain a sympathy vote.  Again, as I walk by, every one seems to be staring, looking at my shoes, then glancing all the way up to my eyes and then hair.  Making sure that I wore the right outfit and that my shoes match with my ensemble.  I sit, grab a pen, tap it three or four times on my desk.  Looking serious and ready to take on the next task. I peek at the clock, wow I have only been here for 20 minutes, feels like some how 2 hours have gone by.  I then count how many hours left.-A whole day!

I gaze around the room, everyone is still very busy.  No one is paying attention to me and my fumbles although I feel a tension that feels almost like a tight rope hooked on to each and every one of them and then me, then, wrapped around my neck in a choke hold, but still smiling. 

I have that sinking feeling for months.  Everyday is much the same, hoping that my bathroom breaks would help the time go by and make me look terribly busy.  Hoping to look polished at what I am doing.  Answering the phone, hoping not to be stumped so that I won't have to bother anyone.  The stares and glares are being shot around the room like a ping pong ball and I am their aim.  I smile, maybe to much as it looks like everyone is sick of me smiling all the time, now their smiles also come with a roll of the eyeballs as I force them to smile; feels like a smurk to me now and I wish I could stop.

There are busy days and not so busy days.  My butt usually gets sore by 11:00am.  I am still reading through the manual when I am bored, also reading all of the literature that was ever printed about this organization, wanting to be more productive, even though I have read and re read everything I could 10 x over.  Looking skillful when I do it, so no one barks, or bites.  I look again at my job duties and it seems like I am doing all of them.  But why do I have this sinking feeling?

A few people stop at my desk, say a few words, idle chit, chat.  Though they don't know how they have brightened my day.  I have sticky notes all over my computer at this point in a square formation.  Little tid-bits about the company, the protocol, the address, my job and codes that I am using.  I treat the customers great so that is a bonus.  Although I hymm and hahhh an awful lot and someone usually comes to my aid.  Then we talk about the how's and why's and what to do next time.  Them telling me, "You will get it, it will all fall together soon"  I go to the photo copier to print something out.  The printer get's jammed. 

I don't show up the next day.

Depressed But Happy

Can you laugh, chuckle, watch a comedy show with such great enthusiasm, barrel out a belly laugh-Look at the cartoon section in the newspaper and laugh even under your breath.  I can, but I also suffer from depression.  I can look at a photo of myself, smiling (of course a selfie)  and know that during that time I was depressed.  Would anyone know it.  I got so sick of myself talking to others...saying "Ya, I have depression"  Does anyone really care...do they even know how it feels.  When you can become so numb to the world around you, go day in and out, dragging yourself.  Where a usual cup of coffee and a great song on the radio would be all you would need to perk yourself up in the morning, just does not happen so much.

I have been depressed many times through out a year.  It is almost so systematic now, I can tell by the end of the summer that I have to endure another depression, sadly of course.  Then coming out of winter, I try to remain calm because the Sun affects me in such a way, I get so over zealous, over joyed to the point of break down.  People in my circles knows this and have treated me with great respect.  Looking at a photo of me in the dull of winter, one would hardly know.  I have stopped telling people about it as if it is a show and tell type of scenario.  I did though come to terms with it.  I know what is my pick me up and it is not a mere cup of coffee and a great song on the radio. 

I know what works, but do forget to pay du diligence to my care tactics.  I do Isolate myself and this part is hard.  I see woman my age having a great time together, easily enjoying a day out or in with dinner, wine, chatting like us woman love to do.  I tend to exclude myself, the fear or anxiousness I have about being so chummy with other people does tend to riddle my nerves.  I can say hi, nice weather and I keep it at that.  Social anxiety of not feeling included or even good enough to be hanging around with a crowd.

 Where did this anxiety come from?  Most likely years of being depressed, paranoid, pent up with hallucinations.  Excluding myself, purposely on my end is my way I believe of being in control of who is going to see me at my worst.  If I just say Hello and Goodbye to the people in my near to social circles, then they won't be able to see me at my worst, when I am depressed, paranoid, or having a hallucination.  Then it is in my control of who see's me like this.  In the end No one see's me like this, except my Family.  They have a hard enough time with it and so do I.  I don't need to become emberrased or feel like a burden, say things I don't mean, do things out of the ordinary.

With this, I have somewhat been able to keep my health to myself.  My husband knows and carries on with me, he has been the best at not making it a big deal and not even making it seem like that is who I am, paranoid, or depressed.  He carries on with me and their is no talk of my way of thinking, my obsurd thoughts at times.  He goes along with me, will smile, carry on conversations where I know in the past others would have thougth strange or weird and then take it upon themselves to ridicule, abuse and then of course abandon me.  My Family has been there and I guess that is what Family is for...the ups and downs the thick the thin, the good the bad and the ugly.

Now I can laugh my way through depression, smile, eager to start the day most times, even looking out at grey and bleak snow.  I take the good with the bad, have an extreme amount of good days, the bad ones...we tend to just ride out.  I know the age I am at now, the woman in my life, would not laugh, or make fun.  The feeling I get though around others gets hard, difficult.  Not wanting to make close ties with people as too many have left thinking a friendly relationship with me is too hard, too difficult, never understanding that beneath it all, I am just as fun and happy as they are....even if depressed. 

I have become a veteran at mental health, feeling well most often, no one would ever know.  Carrying a deep secret like this though, does become overly exhausting to hide.  In turn, I do still tend to hide, within my creature comforts, my television, my family, the radio, my writing, people who know me but still can put my illness aside.  It is hard to hide, so I tend to not try to hide it, isolating myself is much easier at this stage. 

Maybe further along my road, I will manage to become friends with others, more so.  Become close with people, feeling that I don't have to hide.  Maybe I will meet people with like minds, and feel like I have known them my whole life, going on shopping trips, lunch dates and leaving our worries behind as we chat and giggle about the cute waiter who just served us.  Friends are hard to come by, good ones, may only happen once in a lifetime- I REALLY HOPE NOT.

A Girl With A Problem

---A young girl goes through life, excelling in many areas, she does well in life.  She never felt validated or that she was big enough, good enough for anyone.  Her power slowly was taken away from her, until she took her it back.

The Model.

Ginger- "I can't believe you, your a disgrace.  You are never going to make it in this life, not with your attitude.  You are an ungrateful bitch.  Of all the things I have done for you, you think you can just come in here and ask to use my car.  You are selfish and never going to finish anything you start.

The Role

Lemon- "I didn't even do anything, I just asked if I can use your car.  Why are you so mean to me, saying all these things to me.  I thought you loved me, how can you say all of that.

The Difference

Duke- "Why do you talk to your own daughter like that, she just came home from school last week, She past grade 11 with all A's and B's.  Leave her alone, get out of here, stay away from her.

Lemon- "I hate you, I get good grades, I do well in all my activities, I work so hard and you won't even let me use your car, to go out for the night...there is a school dance that I want to go to, why won't you let me".

Ginger- "You make me sick, clean your room, it is a pig pen.  You have a lot of making up to me, your never going to pick up your clothes are you.  Clean your room completely then maybe you can use my car.

Duke- "Clean her room, the dance is in 20 minutes, I have had enough of this...you guys work it out."

Ginger- "Clean your room and then write me a letter saying why you are sorry for speaking to me that way and how you are going to keep your room clean."

Lemon-  "Forget it, just forget it.  My room is a mess, big deal! It isn't worth it there is no pleasing you, I am always doing something wrong, I will never measure up to what you want, why is all of this my fault, how could you treat me like this and say such mean things to me"?

------Years Later

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Mom I made it in to University, just like you wanted...I am going to the school you wanted me to go to, and taking the course you wanted me to take.

Ginger- "Great, I will talk to you later, I am watching my show".

Lemon- "OK"

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Duke I got into all three of my choices of University, I am nervous though, what if I fail, what if I can't measure up?"

Duke "Well that is good, just do your best, if you asked me, I would think you should go to a College level, try your best and see where it leads you.  Good Luck"

First Semester

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Hi Mom, the Fourty dollars a week that you are supplying me with does not seem like enough, I never have enough to eat, It never covers the groceries it takes to get through the week, do you think you can send more"?

Ginger- "Look, I gave you money for your rent, I paid for you to go to school, I even let you use my car to move your things, even helped pay for your books, you are going to have to survive on what I gave you.

Lemon- "OK"

Months Later

Lemon- "Mom, I failed all my classes, what do I do, I am on academic probation, this is awful, they only want me to take 4 classes instead of five.  Oh no".

Ginger- "I knew it, I knew you would not be able to get through even one semester, what is wrong with you.  You will go to the Dean and ask to take an extra class to make up the difference.  Take six classes, I am not paying for you to just fail and fool around.

Lemon- "I can't do that, I am suppose to take less classes not more".  And if you remember I got a scholarship to help me pay for my classes and books."

Ginger- "Well, I won't pay for another year or next semester if you are just going to fail out, it would be a waist of time and money'.

Ring Ring

Lemon- "Duke what do I do"

Duke- "Well, do your best, do what you can, we will come up and go out for dinner, you can come for Christmas here, don't worry about getting us anything, we have a lot.  Just relax for the vacation time and maybe get some help from a tutor or your friends, I am with you in spirit".

Lemon- "Mom I am not doing that well at school, I am afraid I may fail out."

Ginger- "I knew it, I paid for you to go, I even got you a car to get you there, all this time is waisted, you could not even finish one year.  Way to go, your not going to have a future now I hope you know that.  You are going to have to make this up to me.

Lemon- "Ok, I understand".  Sorry.

Ring Ring

Lemon- Duke, I failed, I didn't pass any of my classes, I hardly understood a single thing.

Duke- Onward and Upward, you will be fine.  Take some time off.

To Be Continued.

Winning, NOT everything

About heart, winning is not everything.  It is how one feels about the measures that is within the winning or loosing and all things in between.  How does one person feel about the win or loose.  Did they do something in the loss even if it is a win, and of course do something in the win.  All being equal as we are.  I would play ball growing up and pick out all the highlights throughout the game, even if it was the other team. That is how staying positive is.   "Oh this was a great play, that was a great throw", I would not personally even care if we had a loss, it was just nice to get out.  I would hate the rain, if it was raining...WOW...did I have a fit, in a way.  Here I sit today with my Son at 6am watching a thunder storm, the door open, sitting at the door, open...a great way to spend a morning. a small one storm, he falls fast asleep in my arms.  Courageously. 

To me, for my self personally speaking.  It was great to watch it rain and poor.  A year ago this week, Tristan passed away a year ago and although I love life, life is the most difficult thing in the whole wide world.  Yes whole wide world, to bring the positive out in yourself and others, even almost any circumstance...is a win for just about everyone.  As long as the positive is drawn out of the all.   Thinking your own thoughts about perspective is important, to challenge those parts of you that come up now and again and through the years is very difficult.  To stay true to yourself is the very most important thing.  If cheated then up to the person to determine the right or wrong abot it.  Personally speaking, I have thought of the positives my whole life, learned to each step of the way.  That is the only way in some cases.  What is ever at the core of your heart is the truest positive and everyone has a heart. 

Gesture In The Way

A young girl stands in a crowd, a circle of people that she did not know, had not known.  There she stood there anyways talking, chatting seeing what they were about.  As too, they wanted to see who she was, why she was even here.  Actually what the hell is she doing here?  They laughed, had a giggle and then another as they puffed away on a smoke, they light up again to pass their nerves.

She see's a guy, standing there, feeling in a small way somewhat bad for him as she did not notice him, felt rude and unkind.  She asked herself.

"Why is no one talking to this guy"  He stood almost part way off the circle and seemed to be sinking, as if in a puddle covered in quick sand.  She spoke.

"Hi"

He smiled, as he moved away from the thick quick sand to discover, not only did she say hi, the rest of the crowd followed.  Noticing that he was not a part.  He was some what bigger, taller, suspecting this could be a reason he felt to rather stick to his quick sand.  They lit up a third smoke to pass the nerves, giggled and laughed.

The girl did not think much more of him then that. 

Later at school, the girl carried on her regular routine, going from class to class, locker to locker always forgetting her locker number, having to always get her best friend to open it, who remembered the digits, regularaly.   Nothing though was ever, ever stolen from this girls locker, the best friend would not need any of it anyways, nor anyone.

The girl went to her next class, not one she really favoured as she stared at the chalk board more often then not, ridiculously messy and scribbled on.  Instead, she wrote on her paper pad-able to look down and away from the chalk board catastrophe. She would sometimes gaze up, around and see that the board was looking fuller and more difficult, she would try to understand the concepts as they were being sped along, then rubbed out again too quickly.  Then as the Teacher, piled on more chalk notes, she was reading what was hidden underneath of the newest catastrophe.  She caught on the last rubbed out lesson and learned from there.

Never once did she ask a question.

There was a mix up, something ridiculous happened.  There was a new boy in the school, he normally kept quiet like the rest of the bunch, no one really cared for each other at this paticular school, they all seemed miles apart.  

Greg was also looking at his paper pad, doodling the notes hidden or not, seeming though to understand more then her.  flipping through the pages with his pen writings he knocked over his can of pepsi on to his desk- the fizz was not the worse of it, nor was the pepsi that would not be tasted.  The fact that it spilled on his paper work, ruining whatever page he had forged up.  Quickly grabbing the pepsi can that fell flat on the floor, spilling down his leg, he looked up knowing he could not, not be noticed.

Up from her desk and running over to him, wanting to cover up the mess.  Grabbing her paper pad, ripping out the pages, she stifled to soak up the liquid remenents.  It was no big deal it happened all the time, no one laughed as the class was sure to be past all that.  It was cleaned up.

He had nothing left to write on and though he too had nothing to really take from the chalk board massecure, he could not continue with any part of the day, not even his language class, the class where he did like to flourish. 

Lacy's hands were sticky though, she did not want to lick her fingers with pepsi spill on it, did not really know what to do to take off the grime. 

Again though, she was lost in thought, looking through her pages of doodles.  Class was near over, looking through her bag for more paper, grabbing more then a handful, him, he was searching through his bag almost frantically for the same.  Lacy grew from her chair, walked down the line, turned and dropped off some paper on his freshly cleaned sticky desk.  Looking up from his desk turning towards Lacy, Greg gave her his hand sanitizer already pulled out from his bag.

Lacy smiled, squeezed the bottle on to her hands about to scrub them clean from the pepsi glue.  Dropping the sanitizer on the desk, him picking it up and said.

"Keep it"

Stick With the Winners

One of my very first lessons as an emerging young adult was "Stick With The Winners".  Not that now as a middle aged woman I think in terms of who is who, who is a winner, compared to losers.  To me I value people really for where they are at, what area in life they are pursuing etc, each as an individual.  Though it was and is a great message to follow, to be amongst people that even wanted to win, had a winning mindset and spirit, or who were a cut above the rest "as they say"; it really did and does serve me well in my life with my career as well as home, my own spirit and my own achievements. The person who said it was right and I did not mind sticking with the winners. 

Sticking with the winners to me, is not a snobby way of thinking about people and the different values they hold or persona they put out there.  It is more about not giving up, not letting yourself move forward by the "I CAN'T attitude, or as I have heard the phrase "small thinking".  Personally I enjoy spending time with people that say I CAN, I WILL-somehow and I WILL FIND OUT HOW.  I really understand when someone wants something so bad they can't stop thinking about it, their dream and when my circle converses about their go getter attitude, what they want and how they continue to go after it, even if there are a few or many "I Cant's"  I get that.  They are striving and in turn no matter if they are still chasing their dream or it is thriving, the "Want it Bad Enough" attitude is what resonates with me and I gravitate towards those and of course others.  It is admiral to me to see people fail, start again, maybe fail in a way, fall flat off their feet.  When they pick themselves up again, I applaud that and admire the conviction and determination.  They are the one's who have seen defeat, time and time again but continue on the road perhaps less traveled and beyond, really relying only on themselves and their high belief in who they are and the trust in themselves, others and their trueness to taste a dream in the palm of their hand.  One time I am sure they may have thought of themselves as a loser vs. a winner. 

In reality to me, people loose, but as long as they have a strong belief and standards people are not, nor ever will be "losers".  It takes a lot of sacrifice to go after your what you want, day in and out, living, breathing and believing, while going without, having less so that day will come where you can have more-whatever MORE is to you....I am sure sometimes perhaps eating less, driving less, taking a bus to save on expenses and so on.  Until one day instead of the Underdog, you become TOP DOG. 

HOW then, do people respond to your success??  Do they relish in it just like you, do they think of you gloating around telling of your success, do they stick by you and enjoy your success as well, being somewhat of a cheer leader, routing for you even roaring for you?  The ones who don't take pride along with you, never saw what the sacrifice was like, how much you had to sacrifice, go without, sometimes perhaps even eating for a day or even two days, eating Kraft Dinner as if it was gourmet.

The trick is in my estimation is to have the ones that you hold dear, the ones that routed for the Underdog and still stand beside you when you have made it to Top Dog status close.  They are the ones that love watching you win, cheer you on, and win right along side you.  They too have their own winnings to win after and together and as the winning circle goes along, you can teach each other the do's and dont's of how to win as well as the many ways to wind and step away from the Underdog status.  My very good friend has a cute boutique in our town, I think of her as we sometimes hash it out and draw energy from one another, it is a very supportive relationship, without jelousy's or mean hearts. 

I believe if I am routing for an Underdog so to speak then it is my duty as a friend to also cheer when they have become Top Dog, I would believe that maybe it was partially due to my cheers that that person of success has got there in the first place.  Gloating, well of course an Underdog type who made it all the way up the ladder to Top Dog is going to gloat, they have traveled a long treturous road, scraping knees along the way, having blisters along the way, sore hands, sore feet, tired somedays, ill possibly.  Their success should be celebrated.  Too many people walk away after the winnings begin, turn their back, walks away.  What the cheerers do not understand is that they ARE the REASON they are their in the first place and without them they would not even come close to where they wanted to be.  The now winners are wanting to enjoy life FINALLY with their supporters, they want to enjoy and gloat together as they are just as much a part of their success as them -themselves.  Then the

supporters of the Underdogs don't get the chance to say way to go, and see their relationship flourish as the dragged out winners all they want to say is THANK YOU.

In This Life Is There Room For Regret?

You live your life once, that is what people say time and time again.  If you were able to actually relive your life as people say, would you want to?  Would you mull over all the regrets, the blunders, hiccups and mistakes to re do everything so there would be a better outcome or even a different outcome.  I believe and we have heard this before everything happens in our life for a reason.  Whatever the reason there is a lesson to be had.  So pay attention to your blunders, they are your compass for furthering your success and perhaps enriching your life in other ways.

Of course everyone thinks back and thinks "yikes, how did I ever let that one happen, never again!"  In the time and space of the hiccup though, everything seems right, normal.  These things that we go through aid us in picking ourselves up again, going the extra mile and it allows you to have perhaps more determination.  It gives you an edge, an idea about life, a new and broadened understanding and character within yourself. 

I look around at this imperfect earth and think to myself "What a Wonderful World"!  Of course the empty glass scenario comes up, I fill my glass myself...no one else is going to fill it, so why don't I fill that glass every time I need a refill, at my free will and at my discretion?  If you needed gas for your car to get from A to B, you fill it, completely full and you feel comforted by the fact that you can get around, happily and with no unneeded worry.  You feel within your car, full up. 

Think of a half Moon at night, if it is half full, does it give you any less energy that you need. No, it does not.  The Moon, like all of life and through out all blunders and hiccups, gives as much energy that you personally need in a day or night.  Would you say about the Moon... "OH NO, the moon is only half full and complain about the need for it's fullness, would you regret that half Moon? I don't think that would happen.  Instead we look at the Moon and Stars and say "How beautiful it is to see the night sky"  We miss that beautiful sky to gaze upon each day and miss the Suns warmth and glow every night.  Let's live life with that excitement and then pay attention to it's wonderment.

Perhaps if we are only living out half of our life and are just going through the motions in our daily on goings then sure, there may be some regret or even a lot of regret.  The should of's, would of's and could of's come up and then feel empty, and the life you had planned and even dreamed of, feels out of our reach and further and further away, feeling impossible to grasp.

Never look back in regret, instead look upon your life, the past, present and tomorrow as if in "AWWE" of how spectacular it is, how magnificent it is and how the wonderful challenges you go through are teaching you to go further, to do it a little bit better, to make your life down the road even easier.  Live your life with a half moon attitude "with no regreat" and know that every single day you are giving it your all!  For one day you may be giving it 50% to some, though to you it feels like your giving it 100%, some days you will be giving life 75% to some, but to you it feels like150%.  As a human, you are always at the top of your game, giving it your all, doing your personal best. 

How then could we ever look back on life and regret anything that has happened, anything that we undergo, any mistakes we have made?  Then when we are 80 or 90 or beyond, how could we ever regret anything when there are still Birthday candles to blow out, still Birthday wishes to make that we still keep secret, Birthday cards to open with kind thoughts towards you and your day, gifts to unwrap that are full of surprise and people clapping as they sing to you.  How can we ever be regretfull in this life, when there are moons to see, beaches to sink your toes into, waves to catch, Christmas lights to shine and chocolate eggs to hunt for and gather. 

Life is magnificent, every day is new, every hour in that day is just for you, to do things differently, try different avenues, turn a corner instead of going the straight road.  Every day you have the opporunity to make a new choice, instead of regret, celebrate life and everyday in that life and there will be no time or energy for waisted regret.  Instead there may be one night sky with a half moon, one night sky with a quarter moon, one night a full moon. And every now and again and once in a while, there will be blue moon where you sit back and think back on life and the truly wonderful and glorious life that you have lived; with out regret and where your moon is always full.

The Real Constant Is Sisterhood

I know two very special people, they have been in my life since I was young, I feel not only lucky but privileged to know them.  They are CYNELA, a name their Father gave them when he was undergoing therapy for treating a battle with cancer.  He was in remission, at the time his tumour had shrunk after much fight, prayer and hope by many, most heartfelt I am sure by Team CYNELA.  CYNELA'S Father bought a car and had his daughters names put together on the license plate, coined "CYNELA"= Cynthia and Elaina=strong sisters fighting for the hardships and battles only known to them.  It was a happy time, after so many blood tests, so many needles, so many hospital trips, so many nights crying, weeping for what their family had to go through.  They celebrated with family, friends, companionship, love and understanding...all things good, with a new car!  Forgetting for even just a little, of what they were all facing, buying that car was a mark, a remembrance of their families values and all of

the hard work and love they poured into each other. 


Their beautiful Mother was also facing her own health challenges and a somewhat failing illness, through out they all held strong and faught for their Mothers Independence, care and stability; a 20+ battle and still going strong!  Their father lost the battle, but CYNELA and Mother, never lost their smile, courage or lust for life.  In all of their hearts he lives on.  The mother now resides in a retirement home close to one of the sisters.  A huge undertaking to move a house of 40 years worth of memories, a huge transition, so many changes, feelings, emotions running deep and I am sure a few tears were shed.  Having to say goodbye after so many years, of course CYNELA, I can picture them with hair done, mascara on ready for another charity event raising awareness for Cancer, HOPE and RECOVERY.  I can picture them holding hands through the many challenges to give each other strength as they both fought hard for their fathers ending and for their Mothers Independence and new beginning.

 
It was a journey of love and discovery, as I talked to both sisters through out the last few years of their fathers battle.   They came together when many would fall apart, they triumphed and continue to do so in the face of any adversity.  To see these sisters smiling, hugging, laughing was something so victorious to be part of, as I plan to still keep in close contact.  I am not sure they even realise how their bond of true sisterhood stands out offering others hope, their spirit is contagious.  

With one look from Cynthia, Elaina becomes stronger, with one glance from Elaina, Cynthia drew courage, they carried themselves and many of their family through all of the past 3 and past 20+ years through every MRI, CAT scan, blood test, every doctor, every nurse....These two sisters became stronger, united, they became CYNELA and their father lives on in their heart of acceptance, loyalty, good natured, bombarded by tragedy, they come up smiling and with one heartfelt look from a sister you know you are loved, even for the first time and then you can really believe in life.  Palm to palm a declaration of a strong kindness like none other.
  
 CYNELA took sister hood to hero magnitude and beyond.  I look at them with true awwe because of what they can handle and move beyond IF anything they believe in each other as constant as the stars, as constant as the Sun rises, as constant as the moon glows and as green grass grows, CYNELA a privilege to catch a glimpse of their love.  They grew into eachother, their bravery, their steadfastness.  One word to describe these two sisters, I would have to say TRUE.  When they became CYNELA they became the statue for sisterhood, they made a mark on life so dear and true to them, and their Father so proud to have two wonderful girls take care of any of his desires, needs and wants.  In this story of hope, are two girls with some tragedy and loss...in it though are the heroes: two beautiufl sisters called CYNELA!

Critical Thinking

What I do in a day.  Well there is a lot of thought in it, but not critical thinking, I use to in a way-always think of the positive, almost glutinely so.  There is much Joy with a lot of Pain.  Though realizing in retrospect that everyone you meet is not going to be positive nor negative-nor is life all of both, including the grey areas, black, white, and all around and all over.  Everyone is though, special to some extent or the other.  No one is more or less successful then the next, good and bad qualities are every where.  For me though, it has always been about value.  Not in an obstacle way, but in a morally kind, thoughtful, trusting at the very least.  Personally I am whimsical, and have my own obstacles. like many.  I do not like to go back in the past, unless as you know it is a song I love and adore.  I look at my New born baby, with great intellect already-he blows me away and as I am still in awwe, I know I will be forever this way.  A surprise so delightful, when not use to any surprise is a blessing that I hold true, as we will always remain the same because it is LOVE.  I see my eyes and his, my lips and his, my thoughts an his ways, a kick stone right in my heart of a million peaces.

He talks to us at night and says the most brilliant things, his first word were Oh GOD.  I love that about him.  A sensitive my nature, with an airy disposition, loving life, learning about life, re living life all at the same time is a magic I never saw coming.  In our home, we had peace at a time it was.  It is once again, and I love that about him.  I see a lot in him, a creation like no other-as it is with everyone's family of growth and abundance.  He has a sparkle in his eyes, like nothing I have ever seen, in my life.  He still carries that spark, so innocent.  even so remarkable, staring right back at us with a glare, gleam, and a smile like I have never seen.  To see us is such a shock and shocking also surprising.  I know with out a doubt he means something to me and the man above.  A treasure, so much like a lost and found, that we always wanted. 

To ever become lost again is a disgust that never will be, because we are found a family of three, with a home to be very lucky to lay our heads at night and live in peace, either vitally or so lazily, cluttered or messy.  All of our Joy is what we have here in our hands.  Behind closed doors "WE" are the 99%.

I am glad the voices in my head were gone 15 years ago, the scares and torments I use to have are gone, and have been for some time.  People have stages, people grow up, sometimes triumphetlely, sometimes wiltedly, when you only care about the 99% and not worry about the next minute or next and have done so for some time...miracles do happen and gladly so.

Ode To A Father

I personally have wanted to write about Father's; my Father for a long time.  For reasons of my own, I felt I could not.  Fathers play a special role in a daughters life as I am supposing sons as well.  To have a father to not only watch out for me through the growing years, to also care to go the extra mile, not because he has to, because he wants to is the most comforting feeling in a girls world. I have said this before but with out my Dad in my life, I would not be able to smile, laugh or dance and dancing I LOVE.  He was not just a great role model, a man of his word and conviction, he really did teach me a thing or two about life.  He taught me about music, being a writer and most of my life wanting to pursue a writing career it meant a lot when we would sit back and listen to one of our favourites "The Eagles"  Listening to the lyrics of one of the biggest bands in the world brought out so much joy, thought and provoked a lot of beliefs in us-that prior were not there.  The lyrics and music taught us about life, something we both needed to listen and learn from-the great sounds of Don Henley.  It bonded us, brought on terrific conversations and the melody was trans inducing.  

We also use to watch The Rocky movies together, my Mother went away for a weekend trip, my Dad came home with Rocky movies all Five at that time, he walked in with Hamburger's and Donuts, as we watched movies all weekend-even got through them all.  Now thinking back, we were in our mid teens, what Dad would want to sit back and watch a bunch of movies with there teenaged kids?  Or what teen out there would sit inside a dusty old basement watching movies with there Dad for the majority of a summers weekend? 

My Dad was also my Karate sensei for some of my teen years, my friends tagged along waking up at 7am on Saterday's, getting on our Karate gear, some coming from hours away, to show support and also for the love of learning about martial arts.  He was a great instructor, his self defense portion was amazing as we all listened and learned with keeness and spry.  Those teachings especially has been in itself, a life saver for me many times, as these instincts that he taught came through for protection any time I have needed.  He also taught our girl guide group once a year CPR-first aid as he had his permit to do so.  These foundations that were cultavated through out the years not only saved me in many ways, also gave me an edge in life to fight instead of flight.

There was a patch my life where I was completley and ridiculously lost, it seemed at the time I would be or could be lost forever.  Lost in the sense of becoming almost permanently homeless, with no shelter, ways of food, just about left with nothing.  I was out at a coffee shop having a discussion with a counselor of sorts just shortly after this long stretch of oblivion.  She told me, "You are the Strongest woman I have ever met"  She went on "I don't know how you have got through and risen above all of this mess in your life"?  She carried on to say "I am not sure if it is your Dad's teachings and guidance or what it is"?  At the time this made me think, from where I just recently came, having no food or shelter, and the years of what led up to it meant a heck of alot to me, seeing that my esteem was at an all time low- Never knowing what would even become of me.

Knowing that I not only have a good foundation of steady boulders of rocks underneath my feet.  Along with the tools and know how to build higher beneath me- is the greatest gift I was ever given. There have been good and bad times in each of our lives, none which ever daggared our Father/Daughter relaionship.   

When I was in one of my many dumps, he told me he wished for me to dance, to always keep my hunger, that he hoped I would always have one door open if one door shuts and he wished that I would feel small standing on the shores of an ocean.  I can say that I do and have all of these things.  With him by my side is my greatest blessings.  No matter where we are, I still know that he resides in my heart along with his faith, courage and his protection.

Lost In Translation

Lost In Translation

I have to say goodbye, although you are not gone,

I will say I love you over and over because your memory is not long.

I think of the days, when you were on top and had so much to say,

Keep waiting for the day where you will seem OK.

Those days seem like history, where we can talk all night,

I wish you could remember everything with all of my might.

A lifetime of memories, lost at the shore,

never to remember a thing we shared,

nor anything in our hearts and at the very core.

You are My Mother, a love like no other,

Wish you were well, and could remember

all the times we shared, wish you could tell...

the moments we had,

they were not all bad,

to speak of yesterday would mean so much.

The way you were, hard and strong,

I wish for the days from before, 

where we laughed and cried and sored.

So now instead, I wait for a touch, a hug a stroke of the hair,

letting me know you are still there and still care.

I will wait for the day, when I see you smile,

your make up all done, ready to walk a mile.

I will wait for your laugh, to spark up a room,

just because you do not remember does not mean it is all gloom and doom!

If I seem angry, ya your damn right,

I hate seeing my Mother with no memory, no understanding,

with no fight, as if no life...

If I hold a grudge, you better know,

It is not because I don't care, nor love,
it is just hard to understand. I just

REALLY hate the far away looks, the blankness in your eyes and the 

FAR OFF STARES!

Love you Mom.

Clinical Depression Processed

Here in Canada, as you know Winters are hardly bareable, we do make do and as Canadians are use to the scraping of cars, the havoc of the road conditions, trying to make it to work after what I would call a daring ride to say the least.  Getting up and fighting a storm, walking along the icy street walks, although paved-anyone can slip and fall at any given moment, young-old.  That though does not stop us, we still make our way through the blinding storms through Six dark months sometimes of Winter, just to enjoy a spring and summer of cottages, camping, fishing, hunting, swimming, parks, hikes, flowers blooming, green grass, BBQs with family, celebrations of anything are done under the Sun here in Canada.  It is no doubt, though we still make it to work, even hours of a commute, we still walk through town to pick up what is needed, carrying with us parcels while watching your dicey step, no wonder many of Canadians are more then grumpy in the winter, mostly house bound, mostly quiet, long tiring days turn to long tiring nights of shoveling ready to start the next day.  It is no wonder why so many of us wind up clinically depressed.  An illness many do not understand, winter blues, winter blahs, hum bug....Depression shows up time and time again for many in the winter-each of us carrying this depression sometimes feeling numb, dull, joyless, anxious, frazzled, beyond exhausted and anger.  There are many emotions with clinical depression, these emotions are out of control at the best of times and keeping it under foot is a hard task-ONE "single" thing can cause upset, hightened anxiety, extreme emotions and mood swings and anger.  One hurt, one mean word, one finger point, one glance can cause a spiral into a depression that can last months...many times longer, SOME are not able to fight it, although they want to and are more then willing, more then giving it a good try...their depressed state has some how got the better of them.

We do as Canadians see the light at the end of the tunnel, the Sun comes out and up in April and last sometimes until Novemeber...For this we as Canadians say "WE ARE BLESSED" with laughter, food, friendship, outings.  Though many who suffer longer then a winter full of depression with all it's many moods it becomes harder and harder to understand, grasp and know how to even come out from such darkness.  Some don't.

The depressed don't feel love or loved, don't feel happy, they would give anything to have a laugh, get out and about, do something new and fun...enjoy life, but they really don't have it in them...to have a happy go lucky day FEELING so BLUE, feels much like a lie or big sham to them...so for as long as winter lasts, or HOWEVER the depression was TRIGGERED, it should be taken VERY seriously!

It is not just an emotion of having a crap day.  It is a long lingering feeling of dread, that even if one tries to feel happy, they feel guilty...they try to show up at a gathering and have a strong show of a happy face.....they come home sometimes feeling worse, mad at themselves because they FORGOT how to have and feel happy, forgot to have fun..NOT so much as FORGOT as THEY CAN'T although willing, not quite able YET!  Don't give up hope...and please do not make it harder on them...!!!

Many of these people young and old get ridiculed for there jaunted ways through depression, with no understanding....to point and laugh fuels the depression and anxiety more so...then the spiraling begins...the further DOWN becomes a fight to Further UP, if ONE is lucky to feel the eagerness to climb that one more step up from the darkness, they should be cheered on not ridiculed in any way.  The ladder that they are climbing has more steps to get back to ground zero and hopefully for them to soar one day could make there life a life worth living...LET'S GIVE them a CHANCE! 

For people to "THINK" this person is lazy, poor minded, jaded is a mishap on humanity....when really...this person IS FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIFE, their FAMILY, THEIR courage, their zest...TO be able to enjoy the bbqs in the summer months...actually smiling; not fake, actually at a gathering being very social, not anxious, to be able to enjoy the parks, the swimming, the beach...where you can feel the sand in between your toes and actually sigh a relief of...AHHH...THIS FEELS GREAT! 

Don't judge whatever it is that you do not understand......you never know what battles someone is facing behind closed doors...fighting to see another Day AT THE BEACH at BBQS, at the camping ground, the many celebrations to smile again and laugh outloud with REAL cheer.  Us Canadians are tough, we battle not just snow that melts but feelings that have to be FAUGHT to see the Sun and Smile with relief.

The Greatest Gift of all

Kids are great at giving, you see them in the play yard, or hear of them sharing their treats, their packed lunches are shared, clothing is shared on many occasions, hair clips are passed around, make up.  For the boys, toys are shared evenly and effortlessly.  Kids appreciate it, they hug and love to show their friendship and kindness by giving even the shoes off their feet.  I think that is simply remarkable!

The gift of giving creates SUCH joy in the giver and receiver.  It is an exchange of "I have this, you don't-here you go, enjoy"!  I love to give, to many and of many different things.  The act alone, makes me so happy.  I do it on a whim, when I am not in want or need of something-or even if I do like the item a lot, do still want it, may still need it, may still be dear to me-but feel the other person would benefit much greater then me by having this or that, big or small.  I love the random acts of kindness, of sharing, giving, the thought behind it and the energy it gives you and as well, others.  

I saw a show a few months ago, where this group of individuals was using a "Happy Meter Device"  Everyone scored a "Happy Reading" except the one girl out of the group.  Although she was smiling, laughing, she did not score Happy.  The group of individuals tried everything to SEE what would make this girl happy.  They gave her new puppies to play with for a day, still she did not READ HAPPY.  They took her shopping and although smiling and having a great time, still the meter did not READ HAPPY.  They sent her to the salon to get her hair and nails done, still smiling, although NOT HAPPY.  Then, they gave this girl a Million Dollars, not hers, but she was set on a task to give this JACK POT to someone random.  She picked someone who she thought could use it a random passer by.  FINALLY, after handing over a MILLION dollars for the gentleman to keep, SHE scored Happy on the Happy Device.  GIVING creates lasting joy, for me and for many.

You do not have to give material items, it could be time, helping someone in need somehow, even just a smile on the street as you walk by, or a great talk with someone you know.  That for me is the greatest gift, the gift of giving...anytime or way...If you are thinking, OH I have nothing...NO, not true.  You may have a talent of knitting, or crafting like my true sister in law, and gift her items regularily that she creates from ground up, from her joy and creativity, her love as she makes things and gifts them out.  I heard one girl, pick up board games and puzzles for  the nursing homes and just dropped them off at the door-HOW sweet is that???  If someone has not a lot and you have much of what is missing, in all cases GIVE.  

Giving at Birthdays and perhaps other occasions is great, it does set the tone for a season or day, but to give random acts of kindness, a listening ear, a smile, a telephone call to someone who may need a friend, anything you can give from your heart is a sentiment really saying, YOU are LOVED and VALUED, YOU are WORTHY and IMPORTANT, YOU are THOUGHT of.  

What would it mean say if the person you are giving to is about to give up, they have lost hope, to them their life is bleak, they can not see the silver lining, they have no reason to be joyful about tomorrow and want to call it quits.  What would it mean if some random stranger went up to that person who was all out of hope and no zest for living.  What would it mean if that person was randomly given a Lotto ticket perhaps worth more then they could ask for, or perhaps even a picked flower, or a coffee just handed to them...anything to just say...I see you, and there are better days ahead.  That person would possibly light up and be able to crawl out of their despair and set off on a new day...looking forward to tomorrow and the next.  

You never know what one smile would do, one flower perhaps, something so small or soo huge that you could actually MAKE that person's LIFE, by showing the good Nature of HUMAN KIND.  If kids can do it, why can't we?  Making a difference to show support, value and love in a way of giving and sharing

is the best gift of all.

A Prayer For Life

A Prayer For Life

Keep us warm and full,

Give each of us Good will.

Give us peace as we set our day,

Give us love from June until May.

Let us count our blessing on our fingers and toes,

Help the sick, weak and poor, become healthy and strong.

Let us hold you with us every where we go.

Let us forgive ourselves and others when we go wrong,

Let us start each day with a beautiful song.

Help us give thanks for the Life you 

gave,

Let us be aware of all we have, because we were saved.

Let us be tender to our Families, with welcome and good cheer,

Lead us to light, far away from fear.

We have so much because of you,

Let us not waist our life, or anything we do.

AMEN

True Peace Within

True peace within.  What does peace mean to you, are you a peaceful person.  I like to think I am, although blunder in comparison to most.  I do love peace and quiet, not too quiet, but always love a sense of calm throughout my day, my house and environment.  In the face of chaos, though can you still remain peaceful.  For me, I am only human and can handle things the way I know how-though Peace is what I search for on my daily outings, my chats with others, when the tide hits, I love to try to remain calm through all matters, although of course sometimes it gets the better of me.

Everyone is dealing with something, something big, something that feels beyond them, something small.  When I see people smiling through it all, it gives me a sense of hope, and reason to keep carrying on, joyful and peaceful.  When what they may be going through may be much more hurtful and much more delicate then I.  Some people say, to me...how do you do it, keep going the way you do with all that you entail in your life.  Like everyone, you just got to keep going, keep the faith, keep love alive, try to smile through any hardships.  When though one has a lot on there plate or shoulders, and no way to release them, no way to have a sense of understanding....that is when the sickness comes in with Mental Health and healing.  The reason why I talk about releasing the hardships in life, over and over, until able to handle more and then release more.  It becomes second nature.  

As someone who has dealt with Mental Health and still does, not as difficult as it was.  I can honestly say, the tools and tactics I use, are the most helpful in recovery.  Don't let life roll you over!  I tend to think, everyday for survival.  How am I feeling physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually?  What is missing today or feeling heavy that I have to over come, deal with...so that I can continue to be Mentally Fit?  I always pay close attention to my body.  Almost like a scan everyday to see how I am feeling, relating to the World around me.  What feels off...and HOW do I fix it using my tactics?  May seem ridiculous to some...not me, for me it works and allows me to most times, not all...remain calm and if I do have a melt down, I am able to put the peaces back together with my tools and tactics.  I say to myself when feeling...off...What can I do to FEEL BETTER...just as if you had a cold to tend to, you would have to do what you need to to get on your feet again.  The tools are as individual as the person and very vital.  A release gives not just a quick fix, but once you find out what works for you...you can use it next time, also you can tweak your tool how you like it.  

If your tool is going for a walk...what would make it so inspiring for you, how can you get the most of your walk or hike to come back being totally refreshed, being and feeling whole again, with yourself...so that there is no suffering.  You chip away at your ill feelings, or illness one by one..until you knock your illness right to the ground.  The tools you choose, are relaxation measures...also hobbies, things that make you joyful, happy, content and whole.  I change mine here and there...some remain constant, some change over time or I tweak them, when I find it is not working anymore.  Wanting to remain peaceful as the tough get going and the rough waters appear.  It for me is a constant understanding of asking my self, HOW do I feel right now, HOW does my body, mind, and spirit feel and I do everything through out the day to make it a top priority TO just FEEL good.  Remain Positive, Remain Peaceful.

YOUR choice, Dream.

Someone once told me, don't ever give up on your dream, you can do anything!  That person believed in me...I was young and innocent and looked to them for encouragement...when I was tired, sad, lonely, happy, thoughtful, joyful, eager, restless, feeling good about myself or bad...IN each instance I had someone, cheering me on.  I was LUCKY for that..am Lucky for that.  That person taught me to dive, taught me to believe in me as a young girl.  The rest I taught myself or LIFE taught me and I was full ears.

Then someone said, believe in yourself, but give up on your dreams?  A sort of mixed message..but someone I tend to look up towards...in all cases...I can not nor will I.  You can not give up on who you are and you can not help who you are...YOU just are.  

(The week in the life of a person who has to keep going, has to keep on, has to dream BIG, live by there word, live respectfully by there mottos, values.  Learns from hardships to become who they are, become who they see they can be.  Without excuse.)

Someone told someone to not follow a dream, that seed, led to unfulfilling matters, unwaivering mis use, mis trust, mis communication, mis fortune, being mis lead and that person ended up feeling miserable.  WHY, because the INTENTION within that person was not being looked after, there DRIVE was not being looked after, their DREAM was being tested, their ABILITIES were being tested, their MOTIVATION was lacking.  Things then Fell to the ground, and the pieces were to be picked up one by one, two by two then three by three...That person had to look themselves in the mirror...and that person Had to ASK

"Why is it that people seem to be picking on me, why do I have bad luck, what am I doing wrong in my life, to have such catastrophes at my door, trying to push it out, but it keeps coming back, more and more"

When that person asked deep down, WHAT IS IT...what is it that is happening..when all around me are horrendous things taking place, out of my control...horrible things...with no victory and no end it seemed.

The answer was....

"Because that person was NOT following their Dream, their Desire, their LIFE, Their devotion of who they are when they are pursuing that dream"  When that happened...When the person GAVE UP, for whatever reason, when they decided to turn their back on WHO they are, their course in life, something they cultivated...EVERYTHING around them...FELL apart, the cultivation was being left for others to tend to...that person had to cultivate once again, NOT from ground up, but where they left off"  SO the cultivation began"

People became wicked, and there was no PURPOSE...

TO have a dream and FOLLOW it is a CHOICE, ONE choice, MADE many times!!!! I vow never to turn my back or listen to someones ideas about my dreams, my choice, my ambition...When I am closer everyday...I am Happy when I write, for the purpose there are many...for others, for thinking, for clear air, for reaching out, for others reaching back, for understanding, for fellowship, for groundedness, for unity, for LOVE, for LIFE, for health, for offering something to the place I call home; Earth, to contribute, to give, to create, to harmonize and perhaps as I keep going...OTHERS will to!

On Bended Knees You Can Believe.

With Easter on its way, there is much birth, rebirth, change, praise, love for HIM.  You can believe, have Faith that He is working everyday.  Giving thanks not just to people although very important.  Giving thanks everyday for the many blessings, for life, the people in it, the family we cherish, the love restored...many things.  I am very spiritual, love all things with good energy, healing, not just positivity-although that is one way to look at it and begin.

Along our paths, sometimes when we need courage, help, health, help when we stumble, when we move away from ourselves.  The greatest gifts that were given to me was when I was on bended knee praying to the LORD above.  I prayed many times for healing of my illness, still do everyday.  I knew way back that if I turned to him, he could and would hear me.  There was really nothing else I could do but pray.  The feelings I was having were awful, dealing with the many bipolar issues.  It was bigger then me.  I then turned to spirituality since then.  Turned my road and path around from that bottom from then on.  Since then, healing was given in many respects.  I seemed to meet the RIGHT people, who would be there, even in thought, but be there they are.  I would stumble on the precious people in my life and know that they are good, they need to be in my life and maybe me in theirs even at such a young age.  Still we connect and gladly.  There were others who I could NOT do it without.  My spiritual adviser, who also is so giving and concerning when there is an issue...non bias, we PRAY together..and all else is forgotten.  My therapist, who I not only see at the office, but he continues to make me a priority when needed and giving a phone call at the comfort of my own home, to walk me through any struggle.  I have a friend, a doula, for my blessing with our pregnancy, who's wisdom and knowledge, professionalism is key and very helpful.  In an instant all of them appeared when on bended knee.  In search for more, in search for meaning, friendship, with no conditions we are able to even feed each other with knowledge of spirituality and growth.

Discovering my spiritual adviser was truly heavens sent.  I called her because she had some supplements that I could purchase...we got to talking as she took her time with me.  I told her and explained last MAY, that I would love along with my husband to conceive.  Although she had a supplement for that...she asked if she minded if she PRAYED....and I allowed it.  We talked for two hours...months later, and late in life almost 40 yrs old and years of trying...my prayers, our prayers were answered...and I KNEW it was right and true...all is right and true. We prayed for a miracle and were ready to receive...being VERY MINDFUL, knowing that relaxation was key as well and was already set on a healthy path, with food, drink and Dance.  I updated her and was she ever pleased.

Prior, my prayers were answered in the years where I use to have difficulty with my illness, now not an issue unless I make it one...met the right counselor for me, the right family doctor who also took me seriously even as a twenty something.  Met friends here and there...who stuck, took classes in many things...really the thirst for knowledge was in my writing blood and can not survive happily without my writing bug.  That will never dissipate, it is me, who I am, a big part of me.  I met my husband again on bended knees, I learned, adjusted, he learned adjusted.  Again needing my spiritual counselor I called on bended knees, we had a lot of time spent talking and praying and it was not just helpful.  It was joyful, it aided in healing in every sector that needed it.  I allowed healing, we all did.  In the end of this conversation on bended knees was again a happy ending to a grouling couple of weeks, hurt, upset, commotion no more.  Forgiveness was the answer, of myself and more...things were handled just as it was meant, worry diminished.  That is why I hold the people in my circle close and hope them to me as well.  My doula is a forever constant that I know we will share a bond now and in the future, our baby is on HIS way and so blessed.

You can believe that on bended knees, with what ever is lurking, or hurting, dismaying that HE is the only one on bended knees will hear you, help you, the change within will be deeper and more concise then any other.  You may not believe, like I once did...sometimes there just is no other choice but to believe and become restored completely and always on bended knees.

Positivity Is A Force

If someone said to you that if you think, believe and act with a positive mindset all your dreams will come true, would you?  If you were a glass half empty "type of person" and someone said, if you believe everyday with all certainty that great things will come your way, everyday, would you then think the glass is half full?  I would!  To be down in the dumps to me is for the birds.  Positivity is a force, a huge force just like any other.  A vibration.  Just as true as negative...!  Would you not want the best chance for all lovely, beautiful, wonderful and great things going on in your life and around you as much as possible?  I would!  It does take practice, truly it does.  Do you think that Luke Sky Walker when approached by Yoda saying to him "Let the Force be with you"  would say ahh ninny to that, forget this thing.  NO, he believed, he had to...for him it was life or the other.  So with the FORCE, belief and positivity, he prevailed, managed to do what he was set out to do.  He listened and learned the way of positive force.

I was possibly once negative, actually not believing in my self and abilities were at the core.  I gave up, sunk, and wondered why I was always spinning my wheels to get ahead.  I really don't think I was a stick in the mud, but believing in others way more then my own talents, character and skills was a work in progress that took years to get over.

NOW believing in myself, abilities, the universe and all wonderful things; I can not even imagine being the way I use to be, thinking the way I use to think.  To get past that, the low self talk I always listened to, I had to think, believe, act and LIVE positive like nothing else mattered or it was sink, sink or swim and keep swimming!  It was a force that I had to grab a hold of, with all belief in the process, with every thought, every moment.  Always to think, what is the BRIGHT side.  Now a self proclaimed bright side thinker I am able to look at any situation as to say, there has to be a lesson, a reason and it MUST be a good one.

Waking up everyday, really is a beautiful experience for me and I could not see it any other way, now that the force is within me as second nature.  Positivity is not just a word, to throw around, it is a way of life.  I think of the Pro Baseball players, or hockey, skating, whatever the sport.  They imagine winning, imagine the trophy, spend much time cheering their team members on through all of their training, the coaches feed them words of go go go get em'.  They do not think I believe for a second that they are going into a game or competition to loose, one thought of loss can be costly for them.  WIN WIN, whatever you do.  There are setbacks in life, but to see those setbacks with a positive frame of mind all the time, no matter the circumstance is a WIN in itself.  Life happens, but a cheery disposition, a smile, a nice word, a compliment all these things measure up to having a glass full  no matter, flood, winter storm, flat tire.  To wake up, take a breath, think of all the wonderful things that could and may come your way is the best start to your day-even beats coffee in the morning!

Sure of course there may be times of "not so sure" about whatever endeavor that is being saught after, there can be doubt.  The outcome has many things to do with your ways of overcoming the fears and doubt, how that is handled, rising to the occasion says VICTORY every time.

To wake up everyday hating to go to work is a waist.  There must be at least a few things that is exciting about the work day ahead.  A co-worker, a client, being a mentor yourself?  The force of positive thinking is a very HUGE step in all of your dreams coming true, I really don't think that any person that followed there dreams or chosen path did so with a glass half empty mindset.  Wake up with a smile and just watch how the day unfolds.  You would be amazed how the force takes you along so effortlessly to everything you could have hoped for.

Don't Dismiss Their Wisdom

I love older people, I am very drawn to their laugh, gift of the chops, the wisdom, presence in their being, their nature.  For me, listening to the many wonderful older people I have had the pleasure of knowing, in the past and now is to me such a treasure.  Being a writer, I value spending time with "them" learning from their words like a reading a page turner, every word to me is precious  I find myself hanging on to them with grand fascination of where they came, how they grew, what they learned, how they lived and live. To me it is much like going to the movies, I can vision how they feel about matters, how they relate to the changing world and how I can learn from them, much more then I can offer myself.   I can relate to every thought, action and belief, finding myself really getting down to the point of the matter, to have tea or spend an afternoon is always special in so many ways.  I wold much rather spend a day and night, or many with someone older then someone my own age...I find them to be gifts to have in my life.

The best friends I have had in the last twenty or so years have been older woman, it is such a treat to see how these friends handle matters, handle problems.  They have been there and done that much more then I.  With each special older pal I have in my life-either family or other, I can truly feel myself grow.  Today there was a bit of a catastrophe, I had to call upon my faithful friend to reach out.  That is what I tend to preach, reach out in times of trouble.  I did and ever so glad.  Faithful and true with open arms they reached back, in a blink of a few spoken words all of the pieces were quickly picked up and put back together again.  Not saying that I could not go to a person my own age or younger.  The older, got what I needed, a friend.  I was holding in and had to release and release I did.  I knew if I talked to the older that I would feel better and again old faithful came through.

I have other faithfuls that I lean on for guidance, to me it is the best cure of getting back to the grips of handling your stuff.  I love sitting with the faithfuls, gabbing it out, not causing heartache, knowing that they know way more then me-they take the stage and I sit back like in a theater, waiting for the happy ending.  And with them, it always appears.  Not ever making matters worse, but knowing HOW to fix, HOW to piece back, HOW to help.  

 

Of course I do love the many in my life that are my age, going through the same motions, the same age span, the same ways.  I remember my grandfather, such a man of story telling, as to my grandmother.  I just loved sitting and listening to the good old days, all so different, all fascinating stories.  Miracles for me to have a guided hand in them.  "They" are faithful, there word is there word, maybe I am old fashion.  The knowledge we speak about is priceless.  Time goes by, fun is always had, they GET me, I get THEM.

They love to be there, and in turn, I will always be there too....selfless really in so many ways.  They care, so they are there and that is reciprocated time and time again.  My fondest memories are of the times I spent with these faithfuls, true to their world.  I look forward to them like a sponge as I soak it all in.  Remember the great times, give such thanks to there presence and being in my life.  

I really feel my most self when I am around the faithfuls, I allow myself to be in the moment with them, to have a blast, or lay low, whatever is on their agenda for the day...I love being a part of it!