Create Your Life-Poem

Create Your Life

Poem by:

 Tamara Thompson

So they say it can't be done,

Six days later though HE gave us Sun.

You want something, but aren't quite clear,

Dream big my friends, your the one that stears.

They say, oh no it won't happen to me,

How could I go off on a limb and be all that I can be?

People will laugh at me if I fall and fail,

Well do it anyway, you WILL surely sail!

I want it so bad, my dream of all dreams,

Create your life your way, even if it is not yet forseen!

It takes practice though to get up and go,

To say "this is me, what I want", so give a good show.

Pay no mind to nay sayers, that is all they say,

Pay attention to your nature and all that you crave.

If you need help on your way, it will come you will see,

Everything happens for a reason-most times it is your detiny.

Give it all that you got, and never give up,

Never quit and never stop!

It will be wonderful your exquisite life you made,

don't waist your talents and gifts don't let them get away.

Stay true to your self and all that you do,

Other's will see a big change in you and might even admire you!

Don't stop and think, oh what if?

Just do it my friends, you get the gist.

You can't fail if you get up each time,

try again and again to create a life that shines.

Why shouldn't you, you are what you are,

Shoot high and wide my friends, just shoot for the stars!

Normal and Bipolar; Do I look Bipolar?

It pains me today to be this angry, this upset so now I will release like I usually do with my many moods and normalcy of being human that I always do.  Yes, I have bipolar-I say it loud and clear.  I can hide it, really know one would know.  People say that to me over and over..."oh you don't seem bipolar".   You wouldn't know it, but I am.  Also first and foremost I am HUMAN.  With the feelings like everybody, all with the same issues.  I have learned in this life everyone has the same basic issues and problems in life-whether you are Bipolar, Depressed, OCD, ADD, ADHD, Narcisistic, Emotionally unavailable, Social anxieties.  Man can you see this list!  All of us suffer, more now then ever.  Too, bad it is the one's who feel oblivious to these issues, diseases that get me.  There was a time when such illnesses were not spoke about.  That era is gone.  Be free with your illness and for goodness sake please don't think of us as weak, unstable or invalid!

It is sad what these illnesses do to families, over time I believe some how families give up, sometimes thinking that they are oblivious and stronger for that which they don't know.  Recently my Partner and I have had something tremendous happen in our lives.  Something we have been wanting, pondering, thinking out, planning.  Being Bipolar and also normal as the next, some can not feel happy for us....thinking we won't cut it.  Dear reader, sorry for my candadness but I will say it time and time again....you would be surprised at what US SICK people are capable of.  Remarkable things, I heard many people smart people say that people with Grave mental illnesses are geniuses.  We may think different, but please don't point out our flaws and please don't think we are not as capable as the next.  For me personally, I grew up like most not knowing I had this illness, I just thought everyone felt like me-actually how could you tell.  Maybe Teacher's noticed me being happy, excited, elated.  Hey that is me, I like to laugh, smile and I also do get down.

To be shunned aside and I am sorry gossiped about whether you are young, old or in between is a true saddness and it happens everywhere.  Do you know that gossip kills.  Gossip of any nature, hurts and deeply.  It always get's back to you and you always feel that vibe when you are with people that talk behind your back.  That my friends is another form of bullying, it is the worst to hear you have been talked about meanly.  I know some people I haven't seen really or really know not much about me, who use to know me-somehow people mask you, cloak you with an idea of what is what about you.  For fun, to feel better...to gain understanding and be compassionate I don't think so.  Here I am fighting battles that with and I will say awesome counsellor have ridden myself of so many things, other things pop up-but hey either cut us some slack or try to be a friend.  Of course we try to overcome so many things, who likes being sick.  Yes it is easier to smile even though right around the corner you hear snickers and whispers...as an empathist I can see, feel and hear them just from one glance.  No this blog is not like me at all, anger-hey an emotion that I am not good at. 

So yes, I am normal and I do have bipolar, to think though that I can not survive in a life that I love....a life I cherrish, because I have seen bad times....to think that having an illness and all that it partakes makes you weak, less then, someone to point out and declare invalid, not able to pay a bill....the fact that this hipocrytical thinking that we are unable to handle life's dillemma's, issues...everyday issues, when we fight sometimes yearly and nightly for the next morning to come.  To think that we as sufferers would even balk at a high electric bill, when sometimes we are fighting for our life.....sorry life wins out and the electric bill can be paid.  It is often funny to me to know that I am closer to the receptionist at my doctors then I am to some of my family.  That they choose not to validate anything of concern in my life.  That I can get up infront of a crowd and dance like no ones business because I went to a school with mighty fine dancers who taught me.  That my drama lessons taught me how to get up in front of a crowd with out even a wimper of anxiety.  To be able to sleep soundly and be grateful everyday I am at the momment not sick and haven't been for a while.  To think that any worry you have for me, really means anything-because I am going to make it no matter what you think or say to other's behind my back or to my face.

So yes, there are many things that I personally am capable of...so many things....what pains me is that kids too go through this-with MORE kids then just a few people in the family that have wrong way thinking.  Kids who have any sort of mental health struggle, struggle far more then the older one's like me, the veterans.  And I am sorry that this is not like me-but enough is enough.  Life is life, but no thank you, I will not subject myself to further discrimination.  The awful thing about it is that I don't have to show up, these kids in school have to.  They have to go to school, head held high-trying to learn to get ahead.  Please know your words hurt....so please stop segregating us...we are no different then you.  We are quite capable of paying bills, hey a lot of us are geniuses I hear in many sences of the word.  So to all of you who do have these such illnesses and are young-be proud to be different...that you don't have to lead a boring mondain life, you get the chance dear young friends to be something some people only wish they can be.  This is not an "oh it's ok blog"  because now, it is no longer ok.  Anger yes an emotion; I am sure you can feel it from my fingertips.  Please youngsters, show my generation up and be supportive, be friendly, open, concerned and helpful!  Please don't belittle, put down, gossip, snicker or whisper...be better then the adults and show us how to be compassionate and know that you are just as normal and we are just as sain as anyone.  Everyone thinks differently, everyone has challenges.  Please young generation....show us the way and make it a positive environment for you and your peers.  Be loving, caring and peaceful and pass that on to the next!  Look at the person in your class who does not have any friends and be that friend because they just may be the most interesting person you will ever meet.  With a brain, emotions, feelings and they are probably much more valid as apposed to invalid then you might think.  I don't usually blog in this matter, as you can see-enough is enough!  This behaviour has got to stop.  Why not the younger generations put a stop to it, since our silly nature of gossiping to feel better about ourselves is what we thrive off of.  Show us up!

Really How Selfish Am I?

This week again has taught me so much-SO MUCH!  Little mondain thing's that have annoyed me over the past few weeks seem so trivial to say the least compared to what a horrible tradgedy like Mr. Robyn Williams death.  Even though I am a Mental Health advocatate, speaker and survivior; here I was last week complaining about the silliest of matters.  Getting down yes and complaining for me is something I really try to watch with my words and self.  So what it is raining here in Canada and having a cool summer, so what that I didn't get to buy that fancy dress but had to put it on hold for a week or two.  So what that everything doesn't happen when I want them too and so what everything!  Complain brings more complaints.  For one, with my anxiousness I have to watch that part of myself, to be in the momment and yes still try to think positive.  Here I am worried about fortunate matters in my life.  Where not just Mr. Williams, but I know so many are hanging on by a thread just to wake up tomorrow and see the sunlight, smiling faces and their families.

Good things happen all the time, bad things happen hourly.  To sit and mope and just crave for more and more...man I should have learned by now.  When I heard about Robyn's death, it swung me right back into gratitude mode.  I was however chanting my gratitude list over and over, but still caught in an anxious trap with my daily life.  Here people everywhere, seriously don't have half of what I have.  Still though, the humanity I see in everyday life-man us humans still have so much to learn.  I have my health and that and a roof and loved one's is more then anyone can ever ask for.  Of course I am human and go back and forth with my lessons, the one's I teach myself and the one's I am taught by the universe.  How dare I complain, when I have dinner everynight, a warm bed, a warm blanket, lights.  Do you ever notice as elementary as this is that when and if your power goes out for an hour here or there, how everything stops...and you only wish the lights would turn back on. 

There are people struggling, everyday and shame on me because I have been there, could be there again.  So slapped in the face when I heard of Robyn's Tragic death, it really did make me feel saying to myself...MAN I AM LUCKY.  All the stupid complaints over a week span all erased, just knowing that I am alive and well and that is all I need.  Yes great things will happen and over and over.....bad things will happen, over and over.  To accept a limitation on a situation is success.  As well being able to smile still, look at the world around me/us...and feel grateful to be some part of it.  Learning of others and what they are going to really kicks you over and over to be happy with what you have.  I know that there are some people that have it so good and never really feel that sense of gratititude-instead they cop an attitude.  How dare me to foolishly go down that road, even if it were for a mere week.  Sure I have downfalls and I am sure there are some heavy days ahead...that I know nothing about.  Today though I got to wake up and yes it was stormy weather and had to deal with flying potted plants all over my balcony.  I am warm, happy, no more complaints....To tell you the truth, the complaining and not feeling filled up was me, my worse enemy.  When I learned of his death, all the trivial mondain everyday complaints were forgotten.  Mourning a loss, grieving, trying to offer hope to those who may not live another year, month or day...How dare me to not be so blessed with everything that I have.  I declare this blog to be my good riddance of little annoyances, to be happy that right now and for future I am a survivor of this illness of bipolar.  I declare that I don't need anymore then I have right now and I am happy for my glass feeling full most days and yes, most days.

Yes we are human...I learned something through this awful occurance in Mr. Williams family tragedy.  To live, to breath, laugh, smile, notice others smiling and laughing, having a roof over my head where once I was completely stuck....to live a life and make it what I want, create it the way I want....of course dream and live a good life.  This week has taught me, to not make mountains out of mole hills.  Right now, I am happy, I am full up.  Please fill yourself with hope everyday.  Hope is a great emotion, it get's rid of the fear and anxiety.  Hope for everything, nothing nor no one can take that away from you.  Hope that with what ever happens, there is also healing, love and compassion.  I am just tickled to the ear that I have water in my cup to drink and yes that it is full up.

Robyn, The Legend and Honourable Life Of Humanity; a Success Story!

Robyn Williams
1951-2014
Photo from
http://arcbiz.org/robyn-williams/
Architectural Business Magazine
Photo By, Prarcbiz

He was fun to watch, had you on you on the edge of your seat, laughing, spilling over cups or choking while you tried to catch your breath to hear more of what this remarkable Man had to say.  I think back on his movies, all of which to me show a lesson on humanity while his characters reached out to the human race, either comedically or dramatically.  Robyn Williams dug deep to get a story or charactor across and boy did his charactors ever hit home and rival a nation.  He was simply Robyn.

One truly exceptional quality I valued in Robyn was his many faces of complete emotion.  When he looked sad I was sad when he portrayed lonely, I felt lonely when he smiled, I smiled, when he laughed, I laughed harder, if he showed anger, I too then felt anger, remorse; remorse.  He reached out to our seats, where we either saw him on television or the big screen as we felt everything that his character's wanted us to, we could feel all of these emotions with just one of his cute smiles or jolted glances.  He grabbed us, took us on a journey to laugh, to feel, to love or feel pain while doing so with style and grace.  He was inspirational in many ways, able to tell a story many times of hope and wonderment.  Mr. Robyn Williams was crystal clear with the messages of triumph, he owned trueness and touched mankind in everyway from the stages he stood on.  His Smile for me will never be forgotten, edged in my heart-feeling his character and him, all at once!

When Mr. Robyn Williams first came out that he was Bipolar, I was also diagnosed in the same time frame, approximately 20 years ago.  When I learned of his illness. I actually felt accepted from afar; not so lonely!  I thought...."Hmm...I have what he's got!" Because of this extraordinary man felt accepted for the first time in years.  When I learned of his courage to come forth with his Mental Health struggles, yet still carry, it did, in fact, make me feel a sense of oneness and power over my own illness. Knowing that I was not alone, but learned through him that we are all human and really equal in all cases!  He was one big reason I certainly wanted to become so forthcoming on my personal journey.  I thought, as a 25-year-old girl, many years ago."He has this, I have this too and people still accept, love and applaud him each and every time, willingly".  Personally, it made me feel a sense of hope, for myself and others.

The other person that gives me strength, if I may-to fight for these illnesses was my grandmother (Nanny).  She kept her secret with her, in her heart, Nanny along with Mr. Williams gave me enough gumpshun to tell everyone, everybody, that I have this too while they taught me to stay true to me and my illness and be brave.  So yes, all the babble of staying positive is so easy to say and share.  Stay up, don't get down, becomes quite redundant after a while, when you can't hang on, you don't feel strong enough.  I could easily sit in a slumber and say there is away.  The thing is people still don't understand, for one they do not realise we don't want them to understand.  That is the least of our worries trying to get a world to understand what one goes through with an illness of such.  When someone says to me, "I don't understand"...I am thinking, "I know...I know you don't understand." Even so, accept me as I am, we are no different.'

It is heart wrenching to hear of Robyn, his life though too extrodanary for words.  He did not walk around thinking he was better than anyone, he walked around with such true humanism and a straight forward jolt of comedic genius, that left behind a legend of life, a lesson on humanity and compassion Robyn is a success story, to me he is a survivor, he did survive his illness the best he could-he survived over and over and over....more times then we will ever know.  Robyn Williams, though having a sense of what he felt, I know he felt deep, what he loved, he loved deeply, what he joked about, made more laughs and standing ovations each and every time, when he showed hurt or anger on screen, it was riveting to see!

I actually feel lucky and blessed to have seen such an actor overcome so many things in order to "Do his thing"-and it was his thing, no one else had what he had.  He did survive this awful illness, to me, he did "make it" For me, he did seem to 'make it' OK! Robyn Williams is a Legend of true humanity, with the gentlest smile and spirit, always with a tilted twinkle in his eyes.  Oh yes, Mr. Williams triumphed, trumped everyone with his wit and simple charismatic charm, and he was funny!  To me not only did he survive, he became victorious in a fight we really knew nothing about until he shared that the too, has bad days.  As each of us struggles personally in similar or differing ways, so did Robyn as human as the heart of nature itself.

Get Your Stress Skates On

We all know of the days that you can just simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Some days, we may feel ready for anything and things are going just right.  What happens though when you have a problem, something that lurkes overhead for months even years and you just can't tackle the issue.  When it comes to Mental Health, that is often the case.  It is a real learned trait to focus on the positive.  It becomes imperative that people with Mental Illnesses puts on their stress skates everyday.  I know too well how it is to feel the pain that comes along with Mental Health.  At first, yes your jolted out of a life you once knew; only allowing time and space to care for you and your Mental Health.  There will be days that are more difficult then others.  I remember when I was getting better at handling my illness, a year would go by where I wouldn't have any downfalls that, I would then beging thinking..."oh no, what if I become sick again"?

So what does one do when they have a Mental Health issue and still has to tackle each day with having upset in their lives.  Well, patience is a good start.  Don't beat yourself up!  I was told a long time ago that stress is the big trigger for Mental Health.  So where you start, I believe is to eliminate the stressors in your life, whether that be, food intake, toxic people surrounding you, a job you may hate; really there is a huge life issuse; if it isn't right don't do it.  I had to really examin myself..."what do I want out of life"?  Do I want to keep going on this meri go round with knowing that with anything toxic I would then have a downturn in my Mental Health state.  I had to MAKE me happy.  I learned to tie my stress skates everyday-until I was able to handle any burdens that came my way.

So in saying that-here are some full-proof ways to handle and detangle stressors in your life.  For One, find out what makes you happy and do those things as much as possible.  If it is going for a hike, drive, treasure hunting, watching a movie...make sure you are full up of things that trigger a happy response in you.  Next, know who your friends are and who you want in your life.  If there is someone that is just not in step with how you want to behave or be-it may be hard, but if it is toxic enough you really have to part ways.  OR become a person that is equipped with handling the toxicity of your friendship.  Another way to remain healthy and positive; like I said so many times before surround yourself with positivity.  If that means reading every uplifting book that helps you change any negativity please do that, or watching only upliftting happy movies.  Also, picture yourself being happy and what you want out of life.  Work on your goal setting and motivation.  If it starts with painting a room to get you going, or furniture or cleaning all can be great therapy.  Learn what makes you unique-and be proud of who you are.  Another way to keep your skates on and not slide all over the ice, get your rest.  Find out how much rest is needed for you to feel refreshed and ready for the day ahead.  If you need 9 hours sleep and don't feel at your best unless you have that sleep, then make sure you try to go to bed early enough to get your sleep fulfilled.  Find out what hobbies you like.  At first, when I learned I had a Mental Health issue I didn't have a hobby.  Then I said well "why not make self-nurturing and pampering my hobby"?  That hobby in itself brought me to a great 12 years of gaining not only five certificates and diploma's in the field of Aesthetics, but also a Twelve yr. career that I was happy when I nurtured others.  Learn how to self nurture, put a special mask on and soak in the tub, paint those nails, or for men too, go and get that pedicure or massage.

Learn what makes you tick and not slip.  Become aware of you and who you are.  Learn that you are number one in your life.  Become so strong willed that you won't give!.  ALWAYS count your blessings.  Just last week, everynight I went to bed counting my blessings-or saying to myself my gratitude list.  As I woke up I had this cheer and joy in my heart and never felt so alive in the am.  If you hit a chunk of ice while you are skating along lifes ice, and are becoming anxious.  Sit for Ten or so minutes, look around the room, look at five things you like and focus on them.  Could be a vase or a picture, then think of ten or more things you are grateful for. 

There was a time when me and someone special had an upset in our lives.  We went in circle going over the matter for an hour.  Then I said, "OK stop, we looked around the room at objects and named different things we were grateful for.  Ten each, we then had the most terrific night and forgot about our problem at hand and actually never thought of it again!

If you feel you are slipping and none of these tactics work.  Call the crises line in your area, the phone book or internet is a great way to find out a source to talk over with someone who is unbiased.  I know this is Stress 101, but it is where I started and stopped slipping everyday.  Please modify these stress techniques to suit you and your very unique issue or circumstance.  Once you find out what makes you happy and keep doing that, those skates you put on everyday will feel just right, you will be skating through life knowing how to understand different situations, without plumeting to the ground or hitting a wall.  It may sound easy, you may be thinking "OH just read a magical book on positivity, Oh Just count my blessings".  Find out what is positive in your life and what you like and keep making yourself happy.  Be happy with who you are, who you will become and what life has in store for you.  The books may help, or movies...find out what personally gets you out of bed everyday to slap those skates on and keep up with that.  Find out how to destress when you are caught on thin ice.  Carry your tactics around with you everywhere and be aware of the toxicity and if you remain positive, smile, joke, dream, achieve....then your chin will be way high up and you won't hang your chin so low. 

Not everyday is going to be glorified with all that you hoped for, hope for it anyway.  Get up and say "I wonder what wonderful things are in store for me today"  Everyday is different.  You could go to bed feeling the most tremendous pain then the next day wake up and you find out that it is one of the best days you ever had.  You will change and your life will change.  Problems will come and go, fight them hard and be proud that you are strong enough to battle and be alive ready and able to skate through anything like a zig zag around every problem that is put in your way.

Reach OUT With Your Mental Health

I have learned a lot this past week.  I did a lot of writing, thinking and pondering of LIFE as us writer's and artists usually do.  I have not only learned a lot about myself, but more aware of the World around us and somehow more sensitive to the needs of other's and more empathetic to peoples ways.  The reason I write which I have never shared before fully is to help the Youth yes, but with what and why?  I know when I was young a teenager or pre-teen, they were some very hard years, for various reasons.  I read that in the 1990s it was the worse case history for Teen suicides.  So as a writer...why can't I say why I write? To help me release yes, but also to help those who have been suicidal!  Not an easy subject to talk or write about.  Why then hide behind the reason for my writings, if I can't write about it or talk about it-How can I expect a young teen to reach out in the same sense.

Today I saw something that I will never ever forget!  A young boy made a video, one that was very brave and a call for help!  It was him saying that he was being bullied and hated himself but was not going to give up although he deals with this I would say tragic hardship everyday.  It hit home for me, being one that use to be there.  I must say this young boy is remarkable.  The bravery for speaking up on a such a Taboo subject, one that I try to write about daily, but never pin pointed on the subject fully.  One that I slide around hoping to be subtle and not jade anyone.  This young man was in tears and was really at his wits end, not knowing how to return to another year of school as he cried.  Kids are kids and always will be, the kids that are bullying him do not realise the hurt that this young man is feeling.  Bullying has been around for many generations.  It happens differently in different schools and differently with different peers.  Some schools you don't see it, some you do and when you hear in the news of these awful schemes it is heart renching.  

When I spoke up about my thoughts long ago of suicide, I was shunned to the side.  Not by my Family...some people did not know how to handle it and had a life of thier own to tend to.

My Mother, Father, Step Father and Step Mother and Aunt I must say, put so much aside, to help me...I was and am very lucky and grateful for their undenying support!!  Bringing me to tears now thinking about how I felt and how they must have felt knowing that so many times I was just holding on by the brink of an edge to get through a night, praying and pleading my way to feel hope once again, and I did! I could never forget how my Family stuck right to me, sometimes up all night just to see the light of day.  How can I ignore and be afraid to use the word "SUICIDE" when it is still such an epidemic and tradjedy.  It is a feeling of total helplessness, not being able to see your way through a difficult circumstance, not knowing why you feel the way you do, when everyone is saying there is light at the end of the tunnel-but you don't see it.

So as a writer and believer of LIFE I have to address the reason for my writing without skating around the issues any longer!!  It is the saddest thing to see someone so young, full of endless possibilities giving up on themselves.  Going through such dark times and not knowing who to turn to.  It pains me to see the youth, especially the one today reach out on video and shed his tears telling his story.  To every kid out there...if you do happen to read this...there definatly are better days, really I am not just saying that....the days ahead are more glorious then you could ever imagine.  I have seen the days of grey and darkness and fought through them just like you.  I have also seen sunny days, laughter, love and complete acceptance, fully being in the momment so excited for the next chapter.  Keep up the good fight my friends, keep smiling, smile your way through every obstacle.  There are so many days ahead that you will definatly be thankful for that you did not decide to take an alternate route.  There is a reason for everyone in this life.  Everyone has a special purpose.  Know how strong you are and how you are so valued in this LIFE! 

It isn't an easy discussion to say the least, it is not an easy feeling or emotion.  It is not easy to show up to school day in and day out being picked on for no apparent reason.  This young boy that I speak of is my hero, people like him; my inspiration!  I feel sympathy, not empathy for the way these pre teens and teens feel....If you have been through any kind of heartache and pain like this, you would never want to be cruel or unkind again!  This young man is going to make it, he said it himself he is strong and I believe he will make a definate impact in our World-he already has.

Reach out, that is all I ask....it is not a sign of weakness like so many think.  It is a sign of utmost strength and love for youself.  This young man will most likely forgive the people that bully him.  Like I said kids are kids...always will be.  The sorrow in his face and eyes were enough for me to route for him.  Reach out each and every chance you get.  OR make an oportunity where you can feel safe to reach out.  It is hard, life is difficult-it is.  The more you triumph the more you gain.  You could gain spiritually, emotionally, physically or in any way....it is those that have rough waters trying to make it one more lap that are victorious.  That one more lap just could be the one that gives you more then you have ever hoped for.  We are human, we are made of tough stuff...If you have an issue that is causing you to much pain to bare, be the bravest you ever thought possible and reach for that hand.  There are so many wanting to help, for real reasons....to grab your hand and get you to where you need and want to be!  The first step is the hardest...and then once you do-you will be so surprised with the beautiful life surrounding you!  Things will turn around, tomorrow could be the best day of your LIFE, wouldn't you want to be there for the BEST day ever!!! 

I had to speak out about this, knowing that the past few years it is really the reason for me wanting to write for the youth, work with the youth and be of some valued support if I can.  Like I said, there IS a reason for everyone.  This young Man will most likely become something so great that this World wouldn't be the same withouth him....Each and every one of us has a place on this earth.  Be good to eachother, speak highly of yourself, there are most likely many people who admire you without you even knowing it.  Get up and try, with doing that everyday-tackling one more day each day....you will go very far in life!  It takes one little spark to light a flame.  There is Always Hope and Always another day.  I realise the cliche's in this, but they are as true as Life itself. 

Self Esteem and Your Sense of Self

I use to have a low self esteem!  Use to!  I worked hard on gaining a higher self esteem over the years.  Priorly, I would fill my void of a once low self esteem through material measures.  I would buy clothes, purses, shoes-anything that would make me feel good.  A day later, with less money in my new purse, I would fall flat and still think thoughts of unworthiness.  It is a task having a better self image and one that people can tackle.  To feel good about yourself takes a lot of work.  Everyone is unique; you hear that time and time again.  Do you feel special and worthy or have a poor self esteem and poor self image. 

I never thought I deserved very much, if it was a job or career I was working towards-I would talk myself down and out of the job, never believing in myself.  My self esteem got in the way of a prosperous future and I never gave the chance for myself to flourish!  If I was waitressing I would drop things because of my shyness and jittery nature, if I was a cahiere early in my working career I would fumble and forget to give five cents here and ten cents there, never really being naturally gifted with Math skills.  I could get jobs and finished a lot of schooling, but two years into the job or even Months into the job I would start to put myself down.  People would see this in me and I would never make it very far.  To devuldge this is an act of a higher sense of self in itself.  I would worry to much and then sabatoge my career goals.  In saying this, over the last Fourteen years I did alot of work on myself.  I worked on the inner self by accomplishing things.

Accomplishment is really to me what life is all about.  I was always driven that is for sure, never giving up on myself throughout anything.  I finished Aesthetics and began a brand new chapter in my Life in 2000.  I put myself through school, while working at a nursing home taking care of the residense.  At that time worked at a local high end Spa to enter in the field.  It of course is a very feast or famine career choice and they say, it takes as much hard work to inch your way in that field as it does a singer...it took a lot of patience, practice, time and effort.  I loved it though for the years I did do Aesthetics.  I started only knowing the basics and ended up with a Reflexology Certificate, a Facial Level Two Certificate, a Reiki Certificate-Hot Stone Therapy etc.  I lite right up when I was nurturing my clients.  That sense of accomplishment gave me such a great sense of self worth.  More and more I had returning customer's, happy customer's, friendly customer's.  Still though my self esteem was meak and mild.

When I was young in school, I had a rough go.  I never really grasped any concept fully!  I was in many activities but they too never did much for my self esteem.  I had to really work on it.

I have known people through my life who are never happy.  They say; "Only if I had this or that".  I feel also, while I gained my self esteem I had to be thankful for what I had and grateful for the life I lived.  I really do count my blessings everyday!  In any time of crises I sit there with my Husband and we count Ten blessings right then and there.  It not only alleviates the crises but puts us on a higher road and we feel better.

The young girls of today the ages between Five and Ten or Eleven fascinate me.  Whatever they are teaching in schools is working.  I see these girls; two being my cousins and one being our niece get up and stand up on stage sharing a speech or poem.  They have such high standards for themselves and they are true to themselves, accepting themselves!  I see it in so many young girls.  They talk nicely and are respectful of other's and themselves.  Whatever their family is teaching them is going a long way!  I have met such nice people through my shows and signings, these young kids really have a great attitude and great sense of self!

When I was going to school it was so competitive, work became so competitive that I was at a loss.  Working on my gratitude made me feel great.  Through all of the hard work of writing I was able to find myself.  Not everyone does find themselves and accept themselves as who they are.  Now I basically am able to say this is me, take it or leave it! 

I had to start of on my self esteem journey of knowing my likes and dislikes, that was hard-so had to start with the dislikes.  I meditated everyday by nearby beaches or by walking within nature.  Everyday I woke up and had to say self accepting words to myself.  I did this since the year 2000.  I had to learn that not everyone is going to like me and the same, I am not going to like everyone.

Life is difficult, somedays are wonderful, some days you just want to call it a day and crawl beneath the sheets and hide your head.  I had to learn a different way to react, a different way to see the world and the people within it.  I can't say I was never picked on in school-I think everyone is picked on somehow here and there.  It is in those momments you have to love yourself even more.

One tactic I used to feel more vibrant and became easier on myself was not only by pampering other's;  Also, pampering myself!  If the day was more difficult I would give myself a facial or paint my toe nails.  I also learned that it felt so good just to give to someone else.  When I was younger I had so many people helping me, that I chose to help other's in any way that I could.  Either give a token of my friendship or help someone in any way they needed.  Although giving too much and winding up empty isn't any good either!

Be good to yourself.  If you aren't sure where to start, think of something you really love to do.  If it is a movie you want to watch to just kick back, or a craft to finish, listening to music, going for a drive or walk, watch the sunset.  Anything to allow yourself to put you in a proper frame of mind and settle.

I sometimes have panic attacks, mostly because I had the thought that no body liked me.  Now, I know a lot of people that do like me even love me.  Some people have a hard time showing it, some will not ever like you for whatever reason.  What is important is that you like yourself. 

I would also have to pick ten things that I liked about myself everyday, or one or two or three.  Working on myself is an endless journey of self discovery.  Some days I am still very hard on myself, some of us are our worst critics.  Enjoy yourself, work on accomplishing things, say nice things about yourself to yourself, find time to pamper yourself and find joy in the life you live.  Be good to yourself and do put yourself first.  I know someone that puts other's in front of her and never really feels taken care of or nurtured and then her glass is half empty, doing to much for other's is great just make sure you are taking care of yourself, your inner, health, emotional, spiritual, outer and physical. 

Try one or two things to make you feel just awesome inside.  Things only you know that will make you feel like a Million bucks!  Start small if you were like me and sabatoged just about everything that you have or had.  Be kind and gentle to yourself....Everyone is Loveable