The Bully and The Wheel

"Oh she is just a bully, she does not mean any harm".  "Oh don't worry they are just being a bully". 

"Don't pay any attention to them, they are just bullies". The subject of the "bully" has always been near and dear to my heart-somehow as a children's author and advocate for kids and a teens-this subject is a concept that needs to be discussed.  How though, can we discuss these matters full heartedly, if we can not understand the bully?  People see in the movies and on the big screen all the time, this paradigm has been happening for generations of past and even present.

Though, I live in a world where my hopes and dreams are that bullying is banished out of societies forever!  That I envision a world I would be proud to live in, where bullying is a thing of the past.  Can this Utopia ever be so, if we do not understand the bullies behaviour?  To understand such foolish behaviour goes beyond our normal scope of understanding and to understand the hopes of banishment may be futile.  As we are not the bully, nor even intend to be or to become.  So how do we abolish this behaviour, when all we really know what to say is "Oh she is just a bully, she does not mean any harm"?

A bully you say...  So many questions raise our attention, how to stop a bully-is a task that seems so much greater than ourselves.  Just as the great invention of the wheel was made, I am sure not long after was the realization and invention of the brake, people wanted to know how to stop the wheel, the brake, of course, was a good choice for an invention and an easy assessment of how to fix a wheel in motion.  So much so that we use both wheel and brake as a unit still.  Though the bully continues on, though we pray and wish and hope that the bullying will stop-though unlike the invention of the brake, we have not ever been able to.  All we can say then is "oh don't worry about them they are just bullies'?  That thought in itself is just the side step that favours the bully with their actions.

I have been bullied in my life, I am a 5'1 40-year-old woman, I am a new Mother, I love to dance, sing, laugh-make others laugh, I like to discuss human nature, I love to write, I tend to smile in my home and outside my home and am the most delighted to give a smile, wave or nod to anyone that may need a gesture of acknowledgment.  Though I still have been bullied, sometimes every day and other times just here and there.

They say, talk about it...that will relieve the strain of being bullied...This is a task in itself, still because we do not understand the bully as we understand many things in our lives like the invention of the wheel and the brake that followed.  The solution to the wheel in constant motion was quickly resolved, the brake became such a wonderful way to dissolve any matters of wheels carrying on wheeling around forever, the halt was put on to stop the wheel from busting through homes, or windows-the brake was a great resolve for this to not carry on. We understand the wheel, the bully we do not.  So how can you stop something that we could never conclude to know about?  How can there be a plan of understanding when there is no understanding. Why they torment, tease, push around- no one knows?

The bully though, with their teasing, picking and sometimes crude behaviour we can not grasp and

rightly so.  Saying then...'Don't worry, they are just being bullies"  is all that we can say to console ourselves and others, of course.  This is what I know from being a person,

in my attempt for advocation.

A bully you say...is a coward, a frightened speculation riddled with the angst of jealousies.  The books say, without love, there is no joy and without love, you have at the very core which is jealousy; turned to anger, even hatred. Feelings we can not grasp.  The feelings of the bully stem from complexes of dissatisfaction within themselves.  What they see in others seems greater, more favourable, the awesomeness, the grandness...they do not see that yet, in themselves-they then retaliate towards the person they feel who to them is grand.  Believing that if they pick enough, they will not be greater, they will not be more amazing or highly favourable, they will not be so awesome.  The bully see's the person that they are zoned in on attacking as a threat.  The bully has no idea why this good-hearted soul smiles every day, why do they have a bounce in their step, why do they look so light-hearted in their talks with peers?  Though the threat is nothing more than someone that is kinder, someone who cares, someone with a helping hand, someone with a lot of good in them.  This is what the bully wants to acquire, though feels they never can.  Then they plan a course of retaliation. These smiles cannot be taken, the helping hand cannot be had, the laughter with cheery disposition cannot be stolen, happiness cannot be taken.

There was someone else who was bullied in ways I have just described-favourably and lovingly we just had celebrated his Birth.  Jesus was bullied, people did not want to believe, could not understand his joy, his love and his pureness.  The giving of miracles, his miracles, his very stance was good; all good.  People did not want to believe in such love or joy or hope, where there would not be worries about shelter, food, warmth, but only for Love, Caring and Kind.

My belief is,  -instead- of trying to "Understand The Bully" which we can't! Our faith is left with our own free will, in our own thoughts to understand what can be understood as a solution being; LOVE... 

"Just like solving a wheel in motion with a brake was an instant solution to a Wheel barreling around aimlessly".

All we really need to know is who we are.  It is much more validating, brave, highly courageous and strong; this belief in ourselves.  you can not really say too much about a bully. In this, it is true..."They are just a bully".

-Tamara Thompson

Santa's Christmas Spirit!

Santa:  "Oh No, Mrs. Claus, I have lists!!! I have toys for the Elves to make and wrap and stash in to my sac and so many nice kids to share in the giving of Christmas Season...Ohhh, how can I make this year so magical"?

Mrs. Claus:  "Like you do every year Santa hunny, you are always able to deliver the toys for the kids on time, the Reindeer are always guiding the way in your sleigh, you are always able to make the Christmas Season memorable and all of the kids enjoy their toys so much".

Santa:  "Mrs. Claus, I wish that were true, this year their were so many good little boys and girls, I have a list!  My list is so long! I just don't think I can do it.  The toys YES, I can do that!!!  I know the Elves will have all of the little boys and girls toys made, wrapped and I know the Reindeer will help me deliver them".

Mrs. Claus:  "Santa dear, I don't see the trouble, what are you pouting about on Christmas Eve?  I am not sure what you mean?  If all the presents can be wrapped and made and stashed in tact in your sac. I don't see the what your in a pout about?"

Santa:  "It's not that you see Mrs. Claus, even though there are so many good little boys and girls this year, more then any other year, that is not the reason for me pouting and not HO, HO HOING! Its that so many of girls and boys this year have not asked for presents and I am not sure how magical t can be?'

Mrs. Claus:  "OH, Santa you worry to much.  I know that throughout all of the years -Christmas can be very magical in the Spirit of Christmas and so can you."

Santa:  "Boo Hoo, not this year it looks like, not this year when Shina wants a hug on Christmas morning, and Binor wants to sing Christmas Carole's on Christmas Eve and Tinja thought that he wanted an new PlayStation, but he changed his mind and would like instead to have a Christmas Turkey dinner with his Pappy who is in Heaven.  Jurgle wants his Daddy to have the day off from work at Christmas so that they can spend the day together, Cormier wants his Mommy home from the hospital at Christmas so they can celebrate the Christmas season.  The toys I can deliver, that's not the trouble; I know I can deliver them on time to all the girls and boys wanting toys.  But, Rendell wants his family pictures back that were burned in a fire, that is all he wants for Christmas.  I just know I can not give these things.  I am not gifts Magical".

Mrs. Claus:  Santa, I love you and I think you worry a bit to much.  You know through the magic of Christmas that these gifts will be delivered-you are always able to deliver the magic of the season every year.  I know you will think of something Santa, the Christmas spirit lives in you too."

Santa:  "You really think so Mrs. Claus."

Mrs. Claus:  "I know so Mr. Claus, nothing has ever stopped you before and nothing stops the Christmas spirit, the kids know you can do it too, you see they believe in you."

Santa:  "Well if you believe in me and the magic of the season so much, and if you think the kids do too, then I believe in it too."

Mrs. Claus:  "That's the spirit Santa, the Christmas Spirit"!

Santa:  "Hmm...Hmmm...this has to be magical for everyone, especially these special gifts for the good boys and girls.  Hmmm..HO HO HO...HUH...I have it!

-Santa starts to get his sleigh ready with all of the toys that the Elves had made, they wrapped and bundled them in Santa's sac in tact, he starts to get the Reindeer ready and says to Rudolph.

Santa:  "Rudolph, this Chrismas Eve we need to make a few extra special stops with you leading the way.  Do you think we can do that"?

Rudolph:  "Anything you say Santa, just let me know where we need to go and I will make sure we get there"!

Santa:  "Right Rudolph!  Ok, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blixen.  Let's make this Christmas extra special with the magic of the season and Christmas spirit".

-Off they went, flying high in the sky with toys in tact in the sac, delivering the toys to all the boys and girls.

Santa:  "Next stop Tinja's House, you know the way Rudolph...."

Rudolph:  "Oh Boy, Do I"!

-Santa lands on Tinja's rooftop, he twists once, twists twice, jiggles a wiggle, touches his nose and does a jump on Tinja's rooftop.  As Tinja was fast asleep that Christmas Eve, he started to have the most glorious sleep.  He had a dream, a dream that he wished for on Christmas.  He dreamed that he was eating a feast of Turkey dinner with all the fixens.  Just then his Pappy showed up right where everyone was sitting around the table about to dig in.  He was sitting in his old chair, right where he use to sit.  What a surprise for Tinja, he smiled at his Pappy and passed him a plate of turkey and gravy.  They passed around the feast with good cheer, happy hearts and it was almost like he did not miss his Pappy so much.  They talked of the olden days and how nice it was for Tinja to spend Christmas dinner with his Pappy who was in heaven.  Tinja woke up with peace and comfort in his heart, he stretched and yawned as he crawled out of bed, realizing that his Pappy lived in his heart and he could feel close to him and be with him any time he liked and that the love for him and his spirit lived within him that he could share a meal with him anytime he liked. 

"This was the best Christmas ever"- Tinja said to his Pappy.

Santa: "Rudolph, do you remember Rendell's old house, the one that was burned in the fire last year"?

Rudolph:  "Yes I do Santa, I can take you there with the glow of my red nose".

Santa:  "Off we go then Rudolph-lead the way, shine that nose bright"!

-Santa lands by Rendell's old house that was sadly burned down in a fire.  Santa twists once, he twists twice, jiggles a wiggle, touches his nose and does a jump.  Just then out from all of the ashes old photos start to magically swirl and twirl and magically start to bind together -one photo by one.  All of the old families photo's were in tact and in the sac to deliver to Rendell's.  The reindeer flew off to Rendell's new house where everyone lay silently snugged tight sleeping and dreaming in their beds.  Whoosh, down the chimney Santa went with Rendell's family photographs wrapped with a blue and silver bow-marked "Rendell's Family Photos"-Merry Christmas: Love Santa, the Elves and the Reindeer".  Santa Swooshed back up the chimney and off they went to Jurgle's Daddy's work.

-Santa sits with his Reindeer in front of where Jurgle's Daddy worked and had to show up on Christmas morning.  Santa twists once, he twists twice, jiggles a wiggle, touches his nose and does a jump.  This time he does two jumps then three jumps, then one more!  Just then a big pile of snow fell- "CURPLUNK"  -The very biggest and heaviest pile of snow, heavier then any boss could ever be able to lift, fell right in front of the doors of Rendell's Daddy's work.  No one would ever be able to push or pull the doors open or shut,in this plaza.  It looked like work would be cancelled for Christmas day until the snow would melt.  All of the workers would be home on Christmas Morning and maybe even for a couple of days. 

Santa:  "Off to the Cormier's house, You lead the way Rudolph, light that bright red nose of yours and guide us to our next stop, little Cormeir's please.

-Landing on Cormier's house, Santa twists once, he twists twice, jiggles a wiggle, touches his nose and does a jump.  Just then a cab with bright lights was carefully pulling up to Cormier's house.  Santa and his Nine Reindeer sped off in their sleigh.  Out pops the cab driver, in his hands is a suitcase and a few wrapped presents, he opens the door and helps Cormier's Mommy to the house.  The door creaks open. Just then, Cormier who was sitting at the tippy top of the staircase, slides down the banister and into his Mommy's arms.  This caused quite a surprise at Cormier's  house and the whole house woke up and out of their beds as they dashed to greet their Mommy.  Out from the Hospital she came to spend Christmas, with love and spirit as her family surrounded her, ready to share in the spirit of Christmas together!  Nothing made Cormier happier or this Christmas Merrier.

Santa:  "Off to Binor's house please Rudolph, we are almost there, only a few Christmas Wishes to go"!

-Landing on Binor's house Santa twists once, he twists twice, jiggles a wiggle, touches his nose and does a jump.  With the sleigh of Reindeer on the rooftop Doner turns on the Radio.  Bellowing out from the sleigh is songs of Christmas.  Santa and the reindeer circle the house while the radio is belting out the tunes of Christmas.  Binor wakes up, through his window he hears the sounds of the Holidays, he looks out from the window and sees a sleigh full of Reindeer and a sac of toys, whisking around his house.  He sat on his window's edge, waving at Santa with his sleigh of Reindeer.  Binor starts to sing along with the Christmas Carole's.  He was able to sing a few Carole's before Santa and his sleigh sped off into the night. 

Santa: "One more stop Rudolph, you know where to take us."

-Santa lands on Shina's rooftop, this time he didn't need to do a twist, or a second twist, or a jiggle or a wiggle, he didn't need to touch his nose and he didn't need to do a jump.  He whooshed down the chimney with care.  There he saw Shina, tucked softly, snug tightly, sleeping in her bed.  As Shina was fast asleep he gave Shina the biggest, jolliest, Ho Ho Ho HUG! He swooshed out the window back on to the rooftop where the Reindeer were waiting.  Off they went, flying high above the sky and into the night back to the North Pole. 

-Shina woke up with delight on Christmas Morning, ready to start the Christmas festivities.  Just then she saw beside her bed was a gently dropped red Christmas hat, With a note beside it.  It read-  Merry Christmas Shina, I hope you have a Merry Christmas and that you believe like Santa that the magic of the season lives with in all of us and that any wish you want can happen on Christmas Eve as long as you hold it in your heart. 

-Santa back at home at the North Pole- after a long night of delivering presents, toys and gifts.

Santa:  "WELL ONCE AGAIN I BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS AND I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS WITHIN ALL OF US
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT-  HO HO HO"!

My Arms Are Open; Poem By Micheal Linke

My Arms Are Open; Poem By Micheal Linke #newpoet #upandcomingpoet #risingstarpoet #talentedpoet

Santa Claus arrives in Stayner

It was super sensational to be an Elf and a personal assistant to CEO Frieda Linke from Linkes Local Arts at the very same time.  It was my very first parade and a Christmas one....-

was so super duper!  Santa arrived in Stayner with his team of Ugly Christmas Sweater wearing Elves, just in time for Christmas.

Merry Christmas!  Thank you to all of the awesome blog readers out there who give me (personally) one reason to wake up every morning :) "Like right now at 5am"  :) :) :)"  -To a year where looking back seems pointless"...  Tamara Thompson.

Don't forget to check out the link below-Linkes Local Art Gallery did an amazing job at the parade this year.





http://linkeslocalarts.com/category/news/

The Embarrassing Illness

Having a mental illness, comes with much heart ache, much turbulence, and many days and nights filled with such horrific feelings of dread.  The days spent trying to rid yourself from panic attacks, or tears that are shed on your pillow, from loneliness, many days trying to feel something rather then the numb sensation of nothingness.  The mood fluctuations, the paranoia, the secrets you have to keep from other's just so you can get by and somehow fit in with the group.  The fake smiles, the determination it takes to get through yet another day riddled with fear, sadness, the complete loss of hope.  The mind becomes scattered, thoughts are random and dream like, the perceptions surrounding the person with a mental illness is horrific and confusing.  The outcome after all of these paralyzed misfortunes is plain and simple embarrassing for the person suffering from a mental health condition.

I can not tell you the things that I have done while in a manic episode, feeling like my life is a movie and the twists and turns that the mind takes is something I would rather not think about.  I cringe with the thoughts of things I have said, ways I have behaved in front of people I care about, the ramblings that just seem to come from nowhere in particular.  I have got to say that having a mental illness is by far a most embarrassing illness.  In the quiets of my bedroom, things are fine, no one can see me.  Out in the public in the bright of day, these thoughts, these actions and the many conversations are something I wish I could forget, or at the least, hit rewind, pause and edit these shameful moments and cast them aside, never to cringe over again.  People will say, are you alright?  "Oh yeah, I am fine"  Deep within you wonder if you really are ok.  These thoughts, things blurting out from your mouth, the obscured acts, are just not normal.  Oh no your in a full blown episode and you thought no one would notice.  Then somehow; though reluctantly you receive help.  You talk to your Doctor, your medication is adjusted and you realise that you have been in a psychosis for some time.  You start to feel better, are sleeping better, eating better-soon your back to your old self.  Though, now you wear your illness around your neck like a kindergarten badge; with all the pity, the remorse, the shame and embarrassment of being ridiculously out of the ordinary has left a bitter taste in your mouth.

Thinking back, now you can see all of the times, where you were oblivious to your own shame in the making of eeeerk.  Now you know why no one will car pool with you, no one will come over for coffee or a glass of wine, no one seems to want to date you.  The memories of the days where this chemical imbalance left a big whole of shame right in the core of your existence.  Though, you no very well, that that was not really you.  To try to redeem yourself would be effort put to waist.  The time when you started to show your neighbours how to do jumping jacks, because you thought they needed to know the proper techniques, the time when you started yelling at the cashier because she asked you if you had brought bags with you.  The times you soared out of your home chasing the mail man,  These stains of humility are left with you, you feel that everyone knows, the shadow of shame is left on your hands, are splattered on your face, you can't hide that.  Though, mental illness is thought to be the invisible illness, it may be; I know for a sure fact it is one of the most embarrassing.  Being singled becomes a daily occurrence, and is left with you for ever.  Do people forget the times of deep rooted shame, perhaps they do?  Perhaps people understand more then we think they do?  Perhaps they too, have an illness of shame?  Perhaps people are just people and every single one of us, goes through periods of misconstrued awareness.  Possibly, people do care and in no way judge, maybe they think that people with these illnesses are a barrel of fun and full of liveliness.  Perhaps there is no shadow of shame at all.

So many times I think back to many days of erratic behaviour, where I could just sink my head in my pillow and wish that these scorns of irrationality would be completely forgotten.  Then I remember the day, where my neighbour came running over to me to say hello and to see how I was doing, or the day the cashier made a joke about the bags being brought to the grocery store, or the day where your boss said you are doing a fantastic job and that you are a valued member of their team, or the day where that cute guy did ask you out, telling you that he thinks your quite interesting.  With my illness, I have had the opportunity to look at the bright side of every situation, it's one of my gifts I was given when I was given this illness.  Some days do look bleak, some with no felt hope.  Then I remember the bright sides, days and nights are filled with so much opportunity, so many times for real closeness, times where you wish the sun would not go down, times when the summer months were filled with so many wonderful memories. Times where someone went out of their way to compliment you, maybe they even admired you.  Think of those days and those times instead of the fleeting moments of discouragement.  Think of the times when you were at your best, not your worst.

I think people are rather forgiving in many senses, maybe if we were forgiving to ourselves, then these feelings of embarrassment would not over shadow our pride, our hope, our faith and our zest to live in the moment with any amount of exuberance, no matter where it comes from.  These moments pass, what we can be proud of is that we can help others see their beauty beneath these illnesses and show them their smile and spark again.

On Being Alone

I have sat and thought about this concept for a long time, being alone.  People say, you are never really alone and that is a sure comfort when thinking about or faced with being alone for the first time. You are not alone, is a wonderful saying when struck by a harsh illness, or even mindset.  Knowing that you are not the only one to have to endure and their are similar people out there that have gone or are going through the very same. 

What if though, you have never lived alone, been alone for more then a couple weeks at a time, or you ultimately have to decide between being alone or with a companion you have known for some time; possibly a life time.  What if you find yourself with no other choice but to live alone.  How does that resonate with you?  Feelings of uncertainty for sure, the unknown of being alone for the first time in your life can cause many people to feel scared, unsure and perhaps a bit torn up about the predicament they are in.  Though, living alone, in your own space is actually a gratifying, uplifting and a very nurturing time.  I was once afraid to live on my own, when I finally had to live in the comfort of my own skin, with my very own belongings, with a home made for one, without having to worry about anyone except myself.  I can say now that the time I gave myself to be on my own, think for just myself, was the most alive I have ever felt.

Coming home to an empty place, well...what do you do then?  You have no one to answer to, no one questioning you, no one to call for supper, no one to clean for even.  Everything you do on your new venture of living alone is just for you, without feeling selfish because dinner is no ready on time, with out having to check the clock to make sure that someone is ready on time so no one is late for whatever endeavor, that really has nothing to do with you.  With only you to shop for, you to live for.  It is and was the best time in my life.  Every right or wrong choice I made, affected me and no one else.  Living alone, is also the most liberating experience and nothing to be weary of, afraid of, or unsure of.  Let's face it, if you burn dinner, who are you disappointing, certainly not you when you would rather have a big bowl of ice cream anyways.

Those little things, eating ice cream for dinner, going to bed when you feel like it, late or early, your not disappointing anyone.  Living alone was the most gladly selfish and nurturing that I ever was.  Some I talk to are still afraid of this big moment of single hood.  Today before writing about loneliness in my blog, I decided to look up synonyms of the big A word, I can really see why so many have this idea that being alone is scary or a huge concern filled with anxiety, words like forsaken, desolate, abandoned or even cast aside.  I can understand why people have this fear.  Though, going through it, the big A-is not that at all. 

Instead It is the most magnificent time in ones life, whether you are 25 or 85.  Living in your own company with your favourite shows, your favourite book, where you are never really disturbed from reading it, or going for a walk or run at any time you like.  Every decision during this time is all about you.  Never having to make an excuse, or tell anyone why you decided to leave the dishes.  That in itself is just plain out terrific.  If you feet like just laying in bed all day, you can.  If you feet like going for a drive at 2 am, you can.  If you feel like ordering pizza every day of the week, you can.  Everything about being alone is, yes you can.  Because really, who is there to stop you? 

I was once afraid of this Isolation.  When really, the things I learned about myself, my likes, my favourite jar of peanut butter even-prior I had no idea which I liked crunchy or smooth?  In the end learning all of these fantastic facts about myself, I became more interesting, I became an individual for the first time, I was independent and could count on myself, and I never felt alone, not even the first minute.  All these things we sometimes take for granted we learn to recognise, things about us we never knew, we never even thought about are now in the forefront in our minds, from daily tasks, to days of leisure, to sitting in cuddled, eating popcorn-if that is what you like?  Or hey, maybe you don't like popcorn at all- your just found out, that you actually hate popcorn and would much rather a bowl of Cheerios.  I actually became gitty about being alone.  It is empowering, enjoyable, life altering and magical.  My independence and the level of confidence that I gained, was strengthening!  It was the most I had ever loved myself up until that time and that grew within me through out the next years...

The words I would use to describe being alone are anything but lonely.  They were exciting, vibrant, full of life with a thirst for living, it was tranquil, peaceful, fun, nurturing, energizing and gratifying.  Remembering that you are never really alone is a perfect thing to say to someone who needs comfort.  Knowing that it will be the most amazing and lively experience you will ever have in your life.  Grab the A word by the horns and go with it, once you have you will never have to be afraid of the big L word-loneliness again.

When I Remembered Me.

Have you ever let go, completely let go.  Let go of who you thought you were, who you pushed and proclaimed to be, who you wanted to be and just let it fly out the window.  "Good bye me, pieces of me, parts of me, sorts of me, different kinds of me.  Bye to the pain of wanting to be, trying to be, pressing to be.  Let go, and surrender!  It's freeing, it's crippling-though only for a moment.  It's sad to say good bye, hard to say good bye to a part of you.  Left with a piece and pieces of scattered awareness of who you thought you were but weren't.  A façade that can not be kept up forever, tough to be someone you are not....then though given a choice to say hello, to that part of you, you always were.  To let go of your self, is then the façade.  Feelings of emptiness as I let go of who I thought I wanted to be, how I wanted to be perceived, who the hell am I, what have I forgotten?

Letting go of pretences and saying hello to a thoughtful and healthy mourning of leaving who I was-a fractured self behind.  My past thoughts, disgarded, my poor adjacent attitudes, gone, as I remembered to be me.   When I realise there is an easier way, there must be, that was when I remembered me and then I felt comfortable, with no reason to fight or to be a fierce prisoner in my own skin.  My smile, is it genuine?  My eyes, do they really speak?  My words, do they hurt?  Compare myself, to who, to what- A tree, when we are all made up of the same essentiall feelings, the same ideas, attitudes...the same foundations of dissatisfaction and dysfunction, just as everyone else.

Saying good bye was a challenge I did not see coming.   As I let die inside me what was not working.  Then allowed sorrow to set in.  Sad to let go a part of me that I thought I needed, only for protection of my skin that I carried.  That skin where all these attitudes of yesterday, were no longer needed.  A rare shadow of protection, with no need.  Only to lose myself in the process-that is when I remembered me.

The only choice I had really, a turning point was when I remembered me.  The void I was left with, was a harsh reality of what I filled my days with, a lot of crap.  A common banter, of pettiness and waistful days.  That was when I remembered me.

To realise this and to know that I am all the criss-cross paths of everyone I have met, the moods, the despair, the hunger, the riches, the struggle, the tears, the horror and laughter.  When I looked at you, I looked at me.  It did hurt, I must admit.  The hurt in your eyes, was what was in mine and I needed protection.  It scorned my every nerve of who I was protecting; the pain within me, I saw in you too.  That was when I remembered me.

That was when I let go.  Freeing and easy.  Just succumbing to the parts of me, that I did not want to be-but am.  Good bye, letting go of hate, regret, sorrow, hurt.  Saying good bye to me was when I remembered me and found me, Yet Again.  The void I hold now, gives me a choice to fill up with a different attitude, a different perspective, the only choice, my new self is love, acceptance of you and me.  A vow, to say good bye is a chance, to say hello to the person I remembered to be-  Me!  A reflection is no more then a visual of what you think.  I think through my eyes and my thoughts can be reflected through my attitude and beliefs.  Changing my beliefs, my thoughts-realising; I do not have to fight, protect my self from the visual I see before me.  When I see me and when I remembered me, I remembered you too, and fell in love once again with you and me.  With Life, and with choice.

My protection was a barrier that I no longer need.  Allowing love is much simpler then burying my self and the protection of self.  When I remembered me, I remembered to Love.

It's In The Clouds.

I have very; I mean extremely wonderful memories of driving to different places via clunker car when I was very small.  It was not just the trip and excitement of seeing and doing something new, with my family.  It was more then that.  Much More.  The conversations in the family clunker are sacred.  It is private matters and only those in the car, and what is said in the car stays in the car.  And only the clan itself who seem to be on a heavy loaded mission to camp wonderland, have a say in what is conversed.  Topics such as The Incredible Hulk,  The A-Team, Strawberry Shortcake and The Care Bears.  Also what is disclosed is school yard matters that ignite recognition and care from the two people in the front, Parent A and Parent B-perhaps a sole parent in one A and B in the bionic force of parenthood.

What I also recall and is what is fresh in my mind, are the times as a kid that we would get bored in the back seat, not as much fun as the front seat pool.  I maybe punch my brother for a jolt, or he would be pulling my hair for a gasp.  Then, Parent B, would turn into a sleek, sly and smooth undercover A and B agent; She or He in their disguise would pipe in and say.  "Oh...look at the clouds above, look at all the pictures they make"  Then without a swoosh of hesitation, our heads would responsively turn with Jedi might and strike, zoning our heads and eyes towards the clouds above.  Then, calmness, surrender and yes finally quietness. 

The trip then seemed not so long, the last hour of our rugged display of driving was given to our imaginations.  We saw animals, trees, Disney characters like Micky Mouse seemed to show up in many forms of peculiar animations.  Dolphins and Girrafes were easily spotted.  Then, a pocket of sky would encircle and form a round sky blue view.  I would ask Parent A about this.  The response was then this.

"The circles are forming like that and opening up the sky to let loved ones who have past on (died) and gone to heaven".  Now, being a witness to the pearly gates in such a comic form, right before a young child's mind was a tad of an awakening.  Knowing that this may be true, or this may not be very true.  Either way, it offered a the sense of knowing in the forever unknown.  Being a young child, it helped me personally understand life, as well death and having to say goodbye, when you least want to if ever. 

My Parent A and B would say time and time again, "watch for those sky covered circles, you will notice that, that means a loved one is going to heaven, you'll see."  Of course, I was not fond of known loved ones having to leave me or this earth- being so young without still much understanding. 

It did this though, it helped ease the pain, lesson the sting of a lost one that I can never speak to again and though missing these loves ones so much; imagining this phenomenon even though this could be a very well falsehood, it did help the healing process.  I then was given a chance to say goodbye, even from a random kids understanding.  I knew somehow that these angels, have been accepted by the great and almighty one, in the existence of the images in the capturing of the clouds.  It gave me; being then a young hopeful child- a chance to say I love you, one last time and an outpouring of acceptance, a word or thought that was not even known to me then.  As the clouds moved towards each other like a grand gravitating force, the circle was closing, magnetising the circumference inwards to close the gap of the blue circled sky.  As I saw in my own imagination and eyes-closure-.  

I did this the other day, one tranquil afternoon, where the Sun was radiating, in a sneaky spark through the white fluff.  I still was able to pick out animals, and just to me, it made sense.  Within this day, I was full of grief.  I saw an owl, then two owls, then three; I sort of wiped my eyes, blinked twice....I had to find out!  I asked my husband if he too saw these obscure owls forming.  His eager and delighted response was "HEY YA!"  Meaning I wasn't completely nuts!  Then I saw a dog, then two and then three. Again I hesitated, only a little and asked him again.  "Do you see the three dogs there, right there" While pointing up to the pearly gates in the clouds of course.  "Ya, I do"  Maybe then and now an imagination is everything.  My Grandmother-Nanny we called her, Loved Owls when she was alive, she must have had 3 dozen owls spaced out and crammed together in her tight living quarters.  Our dog Cobra had died just a day before.  An old and well loved dog who needed a rest.  The circles of the pearly gates with the owls in the clouds, on standby were surrounding him.  I childishly grew a somber sense of comfort in the thought that the owl clouds and dog clouds, now reside in puppy and owl heaven while Nanny my angelic guardian was watching over him, with complete acceptance in my heart that Cobra is now at peace.

Drawing in a bit of understanding that even with the memory and practice of this cloud method as a child, that this shift in awareness by looking up and making pictures still....I still was able to say; I love you and will always miss you, "good-bye"

-the strongest word I have ever known.

One Grand Day.

He was not much for words, he almost detested them.  They seem garbled and he mixed them around-to the point of almost blindness.  They seemed foreign.  What grew in him was anger, resentment, almost rage and uncertainty because of this.  He was angry at the world and himself.  To read seemed effortless to everyone and he wondered why he was held back.  He became closed off from many things because he could not put a sentence together.  If he was in need of a language skills or writing skills he would first have to seek someone out who would take the proper time to tend to these tasks.  Filling out application forms or resumes was a useless attempt, seeing that he could not put his thoughts into words and onto the pages.  He became still and restless.  No one knew what burdens he carried inside.  He was the absent writer.

Time went on, as it does daily in every part of the World.  To him though, time was the enemy, since he could not boast about reading.  Every part of life seemed to turn him off.  While most people were able to read road signs to get them selves to work, do all the normal tasks at work, and the ones that had a ridiculous amount of writing, he was absent from life, in many ways.  He woke up, knowing that there would be a handful of words that he would not be able to pronounce.  So to save his integrity, he denied life on so many levels.  Missed opportunities, missed deadlines, missed communication, a missed life- And an absent one. 

Many times he would meet people, trying not to discuss this set back.  As he would sit in a restaurant, he would be timid of ordering anything, or if he saw something he wanted, was never sure if he was reading it properly, or pronouncing it in proper restaurant style.

This man, was charming, artistically creative, thoughtful, caring with a multitude of other fantastic qualities.  Some people though, could not get past his writing and reading difficulties.  They were not right!

He had a partner though, who was a person of the written word, she loved the one subject that he had so many draw backs, she supported and nurtured his development and hoped along the way to give him strength and to remind him to be fearless and fierce in life as there would be no other way.  She wanted him to believe in himself and to go forth in what he always wanted the most; a career in what he was passionate towards, his brilliant Art!  And they were magnificent!  Together, they binded close together and brought out the best in each other.  She too had many draw backs, character flaws, ailments that she was also trying to move forward and beyond.  He would help her in this.  Together they triumphed!

Six years after meeting, having a Son of their own, they were pledged together in harmony and love.  They attended church and became quite close to their Christian Faith. Together they purged on in love and war.  At first when they started attending Church, the Woman, Mother and Wife noticed that her fellow Man, Father and Husband would not sing along to the songs, she felt for him, though she was so proud of the Man that he was!  He would stand up to sing, but nothing would come out.  He could not sing-he could not read the words that made up the song.  Time and time again-he would stand up in the pews, while everyone would rejoice in song and belt out choir hymns, this Man stood silently still.  She loved him even more as they continued on gaining strength and care.

This Couple, did not give up!

One Grand Day; a year after attending church services, The Man was feeling much better about his place in life, he felt better towards the World, he felt better towards his love for his family behind closed doors, he felt better about his Art and in many ways, for the first time in so very long, he became more confident in his daily tasks.  Things did not seem as troubling as they once were.  He stopped beating on himself- over his poor writing and reading skills.  He stopped blaming himself and others, he stopped feeling stuck and he carried on.  His once heavy feet seemed now to be light and free.  This Man and Family attended Church to worship; just as they always had.  On This Grand day, the first song was about to be shouted from the people in church. The Woman, Mother and Wife stood up, The Young Boy was held delicately in her arms, The Man, Father and Husband stood up.  The beautiful hymn was about to start, she looked over at her husband with eyes of delicacy as she knew he would not be singing.  She looked away and continued to sing reading from the words and lyrics.  She heard a muffling tone beside her, she looked over again, and saw that her husband was joining in and belting out the hymn, reading every word, every lyric and chorus, keeping up with speed and tempo.  And she was delighted!  She realised this:  This Man who she loved so dearly, was so tormented through the years of his struggles and attempts with writing and reading that he became paralyzed out of fear and embarrassment.  With confidence he sang the words, with confidence he proudly sang in a room full of people that had no idea of his difficulties.  With strength he overcame his shyness and sang hard and strong and fierce!

This was the Grandest day in their lives; this Man was only known as the absent writer to himself, no one else and no more.  He went on in his life proudly to succeed in many things, that would be unattainable to most.  He became more charming everyday, more confident, more loving and warm, more kind, he grew more strength, he handled life with more certainty, he became the man he always knew he could be, and became everything he thought he could not be, He Was Human!

I'll Paint You A Picture

A young girl, stumbles into a life of many drama's.  She is eager to please and helpful in many ways.  Thrilled to be a part of something, part of a group.  She fits in, people in this group, hug, love, smile, exchange pleasantries.  This group laughs and jokes about, this girl is their for them time and time again, as they all are!  The girl loves their company for a long time.  Then time stood still,  and the magic it seemed to have vanished.  This girl falls in love, which whom the man was part of the group.  He fancied her and she was delighted to call him love.  Between the two of them hearts from years past were mended, they grew fond of each other.  It was only love that did this!  At first the group accepted this, as they saw this group member to be whimsically happy.  This did not last, through-as I said time stood still.  Devastation arose and grew deep with in the group, which she was now a part and now through tragedy and loss, she was tossed and thrown as the group held a lot of pain and wanted for her to feel it perhaps just as much.

She hesitated once or twice in matters of the heart and love, she knew the hesitation could ruin her. Though, she was finding that she was at the barrel end of a game called sabotage. .  This confused the newest group member.  She came from a place called love.  Where there weren't any motives within her that were driven by hate, jealousy or rage; or any ill feelings.  She continued to love, and love the place she had found with her true love.

Through time, this emotion grew poison inside of them.  And so they painted a bad picture of her, to whomever they would meet or cross.  The times were hard, though the group continued to progress each in their own growth.  She seemed to do the uncanny, the impossible, she set a path for herself like none has ever seen.  She made her way, hoping to make believers out of disbelief- in a place where there was very little.  She did this along with her love, who was also tormented by this group and the hate that they projected, he simply loved her, and of course this would hurt them.  They chose not to see the beauty, not just in her, but others and in life.  It was hard to hear of the misery that corrupted a once beautiful group.  They did not speak of highlights, or even dim lights.  They spoke of a missed life.  And time went on, though heavy burdens were being carried by all!  This girl still did what she could for the group.  A few times out of emergency.

Then all but lost hope.  One of the group members was caring for a loss, maybe a few losses.  Another of the group members understood this and both became bitter and their love for many things turned to more hate, more rage and more ridicule, no matter who they met or crossed.  The loss of a young sole, not meant to be on this earth, laid deep with in the groups hearts and soles.  It was miraculous what happened next-though sadly; this brilliant miracle seemed to cause more sadness, drew more sabotage and vengefulness.  More descriptions of the newest group member were being past around in every ill form -to the many they crossed along the way.  Still this girl believed in miracles, believed in love, believed in forgiveness, understanding the hurt, and the impossible.

She grew from this pain, and joy came to her.  Her love was by her side, every step, her feelings were hurt, his thoughts and views of her now were becoming vague, because of the ill spoken words towards her.  Still she loved with everything, believed in herself as well as her love as she always had faith by her side.  This group chose to see what was not good perhaps, when there was so much good to be seen everywhere.

Then when it was not suppose to be, a life of a little creature began to grow inside of her.  And it grew big, and it was out of sight.  The miracle's flourished around her, just as they always did, thinking that the life inside her may be due to her faith and the place she comes from; called love!

The group detested the fact that this life was thriving in her and thriving to this day, because theirs were taken from them.  This loss was dearly missed for all of them, and changed their thoughts completely.  Though out of this pain and torment a baby boy was bestowed upon the newest group member; as something to hold, keep and treasure for eternity!  Something she wished and prayed for had been given to her graciously from one place called Heaven.  This was a gift, something she thought she would or could never have.  A baby to call her Mother, as this was their first to be born to them and him to be called Father.  Though the hate grew stronger again and again over time.  The groups ridicule and unfairness turned to a point of damage.  This girl though kept loving, kept living, joyously and purposefully, she then was only true to only her, her Son and her love-her Family!

A baby was born, out of pure joy as well as pain. And love- just as many of the miracles happen this way -to the ever lasting significance of pureness, out of complete condition.  This girl became a Mother, a good and a great Mother, the Father, there was no one better!  Though this new bouncing baby boy, very fantastic already-she new that she could carry this boy through his life and teach him the good things that can only come out of love and wonderment, and all the great joys of life, the courage to think beyond criticism and ridicule.  To look at himself with all the love that there ever could be and to grow strong, not in his prejudices -but to look out in beauty, even when hatred lies within the few! To concern himself with the good instead of what is not good.  Turning only to love and above! 

There was a death, of the worst kind ever imaginable.  This death was to us a tear that can never be mended but only in ways that hurt now.  As this terrible tragedy could never be undone.  To paint a bad picture, why would anyone of value ever want to do that-No one would buy it.  If one were an artist would they ever paint a bad picture, I don't think so and not on purpose.  To do that would be a waist of energy as well as talent.  To paint a picture of love could only be beautiful. 

This girl though, she knows how this group feels towards her, how through the tested times, she may have been blamed although, through no fault of her own.  She lives her lifestyle well, and believes in better and better and the grand; she believes in Faith.   She only now wishes that others can see only true beauty, fantastic glory, and the wonderments that are everywhere.  This girl, believed in  miracles and wishes coming true, her whole life and that somehow good things will happen for her.  She believed this as a young girl, because she had no other choice, if she did not believe, she would not be here.  Even so young, she would have to pray being-hung by a string, hoping for better days. Then she found her faith, she found herself, she found her voice and place in life, she found her love, and grew knowledgeable still, she grew from this and her family grew-for the VERY FIRST TIME!!!  As, she tries to forgive and understand why people paint this awful picture, she smiles instead, believing that she will be good anyways, and that she will smile harder, be more kind and tolerant, and that life is also good, as well as the people in it.  Mostly her Son in which he came.

Not In Need Of Want

I lay here awake three nights ago, thinking about like I do sometimes "What do I really want in life."  The word want resonates a sour taste in my mouth.  "What do I want?" I asked myself, almost fretting that I had no answer to that question.  Days later, I asked myself again, "What is it that I want?"  Nothing came to mind.  I had an empty feeling in my stomach.  Pondering this for a day or two, I came to the best solution during my brainstorm.  "I don't want anything!"  "Really, could this be true."  Ok, then what is it that I need.  Again, the thoughts came up as nothing.  Then thinking further, I thought about all that I had, you know the list, I have a home, food, warmth, a family, a wonderful son, a career, and so on.  Then with taking a step further in my thinking.  I asked myself   "Am I truly then happy?".  "Am I really happy not in need of riches of gold or flowing circles of money or lavish gifts I bestow upon myself and others."  The longing of wanting has vanished, as I turn my thoughts to my blessings, health- check, family- check, shelter-check, food -check, lifestyle -check.  With the list of plenty that I scored with a plus 10 I turned my thoughts to contentment.  Am I a person who is happy with what I have, what I have acquired, personally?  Wow, I don't need nor want anything!  I have exactly what I have ever wanted.  No, it can't be, there must be a cute pair of shoes that I want, or another cutish outfit to buy and wear, or a new jacket for fall?  No, I realised; It is all here, in my heart and mind, my wants are everything in my life right here and now.  My journey has bestowed all my hearts desires.  So, I play my last card, aces...all aces.

The thing is, I came from a place that although reaching levels of pursuit, clumsily along the way.  I never thought I would have what I have in my life.  My life was much like a whisking tornado, one day here, the next day rattled with devastation.  The loved one's I have, never much new which day was going to be devastation, there were a few.  Then everyone packed together to put back all of the shambles while I searched for everything I ever wanted, no matter what the destruction.  This was not going to play out forever.  It was a care free existence in search for whatever would pump me up and make me shine.  Grateful, grateful, grateful, not empty with the devastation of nothingness; Grateful.  Happy -check,  Content -check,  Fulfilling -check.  Grateful -check.  Did I come to my senses and give up the petty days of disaster, searching for a quick fix of luxury?  Instead, filling those days with goals, aspirations, accomplishments, dreams coming true and love.  And here I am with everything I ever wanted surrounding me. 

I wake up every morning breathing, life is out there, life is in the next room next to me; my Son-my ONE hope, wish and desire that I had wanted longingly for; above any other.  My husband and partner who shares this life with me, his goals and accomplishments and dreams fulfilled.  I want what I have right here, now.

When I asked myself a few days ago, "What do I want"  when "Nothing"  was the answer, I felt a clear vessel of numbness, without a material gain in mind, what was I, what would I do if I did not want a thing, who have I become? What do I do now, if all I want is right here so tangible?  At first a frightening illish feeling, that turned into my most blessed thought.  Knowing that wanting and needing nothing, does not mean that it is time to give up, but a time to rejoice in all that I do have, gratefully acknowledging the facets of my life and the people in them.  Do I want gold, riches beyond compare, frivolous trinkets to glam up my life.  You can guess the answer.

  My life is no longer a surge of power that fuses out in the ridiculous attempts to create a façade of happiness.  My life is a place of peace, rest, vibrancy, surmountable love and joy, contentment in the little things and pleasure in the simple things.  Is this all I ever wanted.  By far Yes.

Imagine Peace

Is it to naïve of me to think of a world living in peace?  Just as I write it, I can think of a hundred ways as to why this sounds so cliché.  Though is it, can it be simple to imagine peace on a larger scale collectively and live in a peaceful world?  I heard someone say recently "Imagine if we woke up to the news in the morning, announcing that there is world peace".  "What?"  as I mulled this thought over, "what?"  I said to myself "Can we do that?" I guess we can.  That announcement would be the most relaxing, tranquil statement known to man, known to me.  Imagine waking up with a clear statement such as this, that we are now living in peace.  Is this even wise?  Can we actually live in peace as a human race?  Or is it just a forever fantasy.  Could this even be achieved.  Of course I like to think so, the thought is so fantastic!

I've grown up watching the many and abundant beauty pageant's growing up as a young girl, where every contestant talked of world peace altogether almost in a rhythmic tone.  "World peace, yes, I pray for world peace".  I hope for it.  But is it real, can it honestly be attained, or is it just a wish, as one would for the tooth fairy to show up on time.  The thought of world peace resonates amazing.  It feels like we would succeed at being peaceful.  But you can not fight for world peace and still be peaceful.  Peaceful in your heart, yes, peaceful in your mind, yes, within your home-there is some understanding of that, but on a global scale.  I'm not as sure, but am hopeful.

Attaining the peace we so want to conquer may then need to be evaluated.  Possibly imagining peace in our world, feeling how it would sound to hear that; YES, we have found World peace on the radio- would it be that easily transmitted through, to our imaginations, then through out our lives.  If we can see it, it can be-is not that what they say.  If you can see it, believe it.  As somewhat of a visionary, I think I will opt to imagine World peace and feel what and how that would be like.  The thought being as magnetic as it sounds, is possibly just a thought to imagine. 

What though, if we all imagined living in peace, every day for a year.  Yes, ever person in the World, given the assignment per say of imagining peace, for one year.  If everyone did, could it then be achieved, as we then see it through our minds eye.  If we did, could we become peaceful?  Instead of walking angrily (if once we were) would we then imagine it so that peace actually does start and penetrate from within?  Is that peace.  Imagining it is peaceful in itself, if everyone did this practice in a meditative way-could we then achieve it inside out?  Maybe?

Feeling that calm after imagining peace, is a pureness of delight I never knew existed.  Feeling that sit with me through out the last days, I felt much more at ease, almost as a surrender.  To be a peaceful society, we too then would most likely have to become that peace.  If we can imagine it, think, then believe it to be, is not the only last step towards peace -action?  Thoughts lead us this way, could anyone imagine peace for one year, everyday to grow to this personal level of peace.  To not just imagine it, but to breath it daily.  To have it so that peace is the only thing left to actually achieve as we fight for every other injustice.  Spending five minutes imagining the thought of peace and how a nation or society would look as a peaceful nation is bliss.  Could that simple technique bring about peace finally?

We have been discussing this topic for some time now.  I know this because of the beauty pageant girls vowing to bring this peace along with their success as a Miss so and so.  I am sure since then, since I was a young girl looking up to these models, that we have at least wanted some ounce of peace.  I am going to imagine it, it alone gives me a sense of peace.  Could it be that simple?

My Gift Is My Illness

I read a book once, Charles Dickens.  I never got past the first sentence.  It boggled my mind completely in English class, while everyone seemed to confront this book with grace and ease.  That was not my experience with Tale Of Two Cities.  Even the name baffled me, "Two cities in this tale, how does that work?"  "It was the best of time, it was the worse of times.  "Huh, best and worse, simultaneously?- How can that be?" Although open to understanding, I pondered this thought for some time.  Then I truly lived it.  This one sentence said it all.  I was a young girl, that was not though the best of times.  The best of times for me was when I was ruled by an illness I knew nothing about.  Bipolar What?  Bipolar was just as foreign as that first sentence in the Charles Dickens classic.  The book was heavy, the pages were packed full of words, the smell was old and musty, but tasteful.  It was overwhelming, and I was lost.  "Oh great"  I thought, "all I did was open a book and now I am going to fail English"  Which I didn't, I paid great attention to our class lessons and got the jyst of what garbles we were discussing. 

Bipolar, and mental health in general is much the same as an old and heavy, dusty book.  At first, puzzled, lost, in a daze of horror of the impending feeling of failing, the look on my Teachers-oops; I mean Mothers face was enough to know that I was headed down a dark and scary road.  My Mother knew it, I knew it.  This would be the worse of times.  I've talked about the battles, I won't bore you with the battles,  it was the worse. 

It was also the best.  With saying that, though not reading a morsel past this clever introduction to a huge undertaking of a novel, I can honestly say that what I learned through the course of the best days of my life, was honestly found in the enriches of my worse.  It was not just the lessons learned through triumph I love to discuss.  You know, how one road leads to greater understanding and fulfillment.  That with pain comes joy, and every parallel of duality of up and down, forward and backward, black and white.  It was the simple part of life only found through experiences of the worse.  If you lived the worse, the best sprouts up in every turn of the page.

I am able to live fully, in the moment.  Fully aware of the beauty around us, fully mindful of the fact that, tomorrow I could have a bipolar filled episode, and I better enjoy the days that I do have, when well.  Though, learning about gratitude and living it,  learning about a thankful life, and living it, learning about being becoming comfortable in my own skin and living it.  It was a breath of first-fresh air.  I filled my lungs, with the blessing of my gift; the best and worse of life.  Accepting that part of me, allowing it and living it. 

It became the source of fight or fright.  Nothing could ever be worse, nothing could ever be better.  Time did heal as the saying goes.  My greatest downfall and battle, became my mutant super power called gratitude.  Bipolar was the worse, I would not wish it on anyone, not even myself, bipolar though....is the best.

He Did It HIS Way-SHE DID IT ANYWAY

She was a girl who lost her voice.  How?  No one truly knows.  She lost a lot of things, her voice was just but one.  While on the way to losing her voice, she lost self respect, lost in relationships.  Some that could have been damn something!  She lost at battles, but again she lost her voice.  Sometimes she became Catatonic.  Something no one then, knew much about.  She lost her mind.  She quivered as she walked, looked down as she went to and fro.  A girl prior who you would never see hanging her head low.  No one would recognise her, not even her own Mother.  She had lost her soul.

Twenty years of crippling defeat is what it was, she had to fight, every second of the day, every breath, she had to fight back the tears while she walked halls, sidewalks, corners and beside picket fences, she hung her head low.  Why, she figured then, she was useless.  She figured then, no one could love her, she figured then she was unlovable.  Why?  Because of a Stigma called Mental Illness.

After days and days, hours and hours, minutes and minutes-She worked hard.  Yes at a job, or two or three, but she worked hard to gain her voice.  How, she looked herself in the mirror.  At first, she had to look away, she was horrified.  She looked again and again.  Then she met someone, who?  Herself.

She met herself in all the rotten glory of being human.  She cried and then a fierce glare returned to her eyes.  Ones of her youth, ones of victory, eyes of fight and promise.  Realising, she is human, and a woman.  And the fight was on.  What fight?  To win her voice back.  So then, she wrote.  She wrote about everything.  20 years of pages journal entries, she wrote letters gave some and ripped some and burned some.  She then used her voice-WOW, what a sight.  She gained her voice back. 

She would walk halls, although newer and different halls, she would walk sidewalks, newer, narrower sidewalks, she would walk corners and beside picket fences, smaller shabbier picket fences. Though now, she was smiling, now she was walking tall, she had found herself again.

Then she heard snickers, what did she say.  "Oh well, not my problem"  Then she heard whispers about her as she past by, people pointing, people laughing.  What did she say, "Oh well, not my problem".  You see, the things people were saying and had said, the things she would catch wind of through every corner, sidewalk and picket fences; was nothing compared to the things she would say about herself until-SHE FOUND HER VOICE.  What did she do?  Nothing.  She did Nothing.  She did not lay awake at night, worried to what others thought.  Like-"Who's That Girl and who does she think she is?"  She just carried on, head up, looking straight ahead, ignoring the remarks that came from the corners and the sidewalks.  What did she do?  She forgave herself for hating herself and she Loved herself for loving herself.  She realised that, IF HE said this, about ME.....What does that make HIM?  And if I say nothing about them....What does that make ME?  Better-  It makes me Better!  In every sense of the word BETTER!

She became stronger because of HIS and HER snickers, She grew a voice because of HIS and HER comments.  She became Better.  How, by Ignoring it, trusting herself, loving herself.  A young girl who forgot how to walk, though there was no wheel chair needed...her voice was crippled.  People attacked this girl after she found love for herself, what did she do, Nothing.  What did she really do, She did it anyway.  How?  Taking A STEP, a first, second, third that we all do, every step, she would walk harder, she would ground herself, take a deep breath, and think her own thoughts and she would smile, she would laugh, she would look to the sky and say....."WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WORLD"! 

What happened to the people whispering and laughing at the corners.  Well, they are still there you see, being just as harsh.....What did she do?  She did it anyway.

How Would We Ever Know

Personally and professionally speaking I am an advocate writer for mental health awareness, I take my job and role very seriously.  Sure sometimes, I may have typos, errors of course, most times I fail miserably in my own life  I am Human.  Though I try to write as eloquently as I can while touching on these sometimes harsh, sometimes light, sometimes dark and sometimes there is a parade like a spur I like to write upon about flowers, trees, beautiful rainfall, and the sound of laughter.  That being said, as a writer for advocacy of anything core related, I have to speak up and out.  That is my job and it is important to me.  Personally speaking, things have happened over the course of a couple weeks that have put our nation in great sadness.  Pardon me, while I try to write for advocacy.

A week ago I saw on our very highly rated social media that a young girl, was found behind a dumpster, being brutally raped.  The media along with social media had their strong viewpoints and so did I.  Many of my close contacts conversed, we talked in depth and hashed out all of the details, although hard for us to ever understand the torturous act and the injustice that followed was above all unacceptable.

What is making headlines is the fact that a young boy with a life ahead of him has been given I would say a slim to none sentence.  The heart of the matter is not being talked about.  I personally think it should be.  This girl was found, and the two boys of heroic nature who found her did the utmost best thing in their power.  This young girl though I am almost positive is not thinking or even fretting about the "nillish"  sentence that was laid upon "him" in the courts.  Yes, the courts failed, yes thier is an injustice.  Nothing about this is easy for us to fathom, understand or accept although all of us compassionate to the matter.  The core nature has been left as a shadow for the rest of this young girls life-perhaps?  I will now call her my Hero and hope she does not carry a shadow.  Recovering takes more then a century if ever in a lifetime. 

Now, my Hero hears that "he" has a very light to an almost moderate sentence.  I personally do not think she is mortified by this but mortified she is.  Of course, we are truly mortified, she though can now carry on.  She can carry onto heal, she can carry on to gain and draw strength, she can carry on with her life, however, changed.

Perhaps she can now feel the feelings she has missed for so long, the days when friends and life were among her, the times spent with family, the days when her worst days were not unbearable, perhaps now she can feel like a Hero, or just be a normal young adult again.  What is not being talked about purely is this:  SHE SAID SOMETHING, she put a stop to it, not just for her, but for so many and yes for her.  She said "NO" and "NOT ME" to victimization.  That in itself is the most courageous and bravest decision and she followed through.

What we grabbed as a society and of course rightly so, was anger for his sentence.  Perhaps what happened was to hard for us to even talk about, perhaps we were so confused and tortured by this as a society that it was much easier to cling onto the injustice, and not the healing and the heroic bravery that this young lady demonstrated very eloquently.

With an element of fright, perhaps quivery, she came out.  In the end, what is left?  A very strong figure to draw strength from.  Maybe and hopefully more people Stomping on victimization, saying NO, taking a stand, stepping up and leaving the shadow where it is meant to be, In The Lurch.  I'm hoping in my greatest hopes that she can soon move on, with so many now.  A light sentence or not, she became strong, from this, in whatever way, 'he' has been weakened.  If ever their was a lesson taught, this is it and she taught it.  She has now cast a shadow on 'him' instead of carrying it with her, it can now be left behind her, not tripping her up at every corner.  She is now free, and because of her, now are so many.

Bottoms Up

A Lady of wealth and abundance gets together for coffee with an old friend, this is what was said.

Lady:  "Oh my house, my house there is such terrible lighting in there.  I can hardly ever see, the lights are so dim.  It really tends to hurt my eyes".

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"Oh I would give anything for a home to call my own, as I use the glow of the Sun to see in the day and the light of the moon to see at night".

     The lady did not pay attention and said.

"Oh I made this tuna casserole yesterday and it did not turn out right, I was so disappointed with it that I ended up throwing it out in the trash".

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"It sounds so tasty, I would give anything for a hot meal.  I have to search high and low for any amount of food and drink."

     The lady did not pay much attention and said.

"My gardener is the worst, my lawn is always in shambles, my garden is an embarrassment, I don't know what to do with her."

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"My flowers are of the wild variation, they grow far and wide, although they are not really mine, but mine to see.  I would do anything for a garden of my own."

     The lady did not pay much attention and said.

"Oh don't get me started on Television, there is nothing worth watching on TV these days."

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"Oh I don't really watch any Television, my entertainment is watching the birds fly over head, watching the Sun rise and set, watching the clouds and the trees blowing in the wind and the crashing of the Lake at the shore.

     The lady did not pay much attention and said.

"Oh these shoes are so old, I don't even know why I still have them or why I even wear them".

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"I have only one pair of shoes and yes they are old too."

     The lady did not pay attention and said.

"My hydro bill was through the roof, these hydro companies are making a killing off of us.

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"I have not had any bills to pay in many years, my warmth comes from the leaves on the ground, the trees that surround me, the Earth from the days Sun, The warm breezes on warm days, when it is cold I bundle up and build a fire, I wrap myself in my blanket.

     The lady did not pay attention and said.

"Oh I wish I knew someone who needed a mattress, mine is so warn, it's too floppy and old, I can never get a good nights sleep"

     To this her friend smiled and said.

"I am sure I can use your beat up old mattress.

     The lady did not pay attention, then she said.

"We will have to do this again, I will pay for our drinks this time, you can pay next time."

     To this her friend smiled.

   

A Positive Equation

A positive frame of mind is a learned trait, as to is a negative frame of mind.  We are born with the sense of all curiosities in life.  We ask questions, we look at the world around us in delight, we begin to make friends and steer our course in life.  When we ask questions we listen to the answers of our parents, then family, and peers.  Then there comes a time to make our own decisions, to form answers and to draw on our own conclusions.  The mind is a wonderful thing, it is a muscle that needs tender workings in all aspects and in all capacities.  It is a great thing to work and rework your mind, learning and relearning.  What goes in, comes out.  It forms opinions and has unique thoughts, it stretches also onto others where what you say will penetrate into the mind of all who draw near. Your mind can reminisce about days long gone, and holds tight to the best memories in your life.  It makes decisions daily.  When you are able to "choose" what goes in and are taking in only the positive, and then breathing out that positive is a case in learning.

It is an equation.  Having a good sense of math skills is much like being a positive being.  Learning math whether it was easy for you or not, is just as difficult as learning to become positive.  It is a daily practice and the more you do practice it the easier it becomes.  The equation is simple, but is also tested and re-tested in order for you to come up with the proper formation and as well, the most correct answer for a happy life.  Sometimes, like math, you make a mistake where the answer does not seem to be correct.  Quickly, we go over that question, until the final answer is shown to us using that tested formula.  We re-worked that question, until we got to our answer.  The positivity in our lives is everywhere, it can be seen easily.  As soon as we think, feel and act in a positive manner-the simpler our lives become.  The simpler our families lives become, the happier we are and then it radiates outwardly.  It is a test in skills of humanity and compassion, love and abundance, faith and free will.  Sometimes though, we slip up, where it is not as simple as 1+1=2  or 2+2=4.  Sometimes we step away from ourselves and come up with a conclusion that does not fit, it just does not sit well.  We say something ill hearted, we scowl at something because we seem to be in a bad mood.  Then we start anew and re-work the equation, using the formula of Thinking Positive, Feeling Positive and Behaving in a positive light.  Then yes, we past-and will be retested in due time.

Positivity, is contagious and can be spread in rapid amounts of growth.  The old saying; if you cant say anything nice don't say it at all-can be used fabulously in this formula.  It is a choice and I would say a must in order to live a vibrant and healthy minded life.  Just like using your math skills is a daily occurance at the grocery store or when filling up on gas.  So to is using your positivity skills.  It will reflect on your home, who you accompany yourself with, and everyone who ever crosses your path.  Then once the formula is mastered you become a radiant light of beauty that can be seen vividly.  If your in a rotten mood which we all get into feelings of a rut sometimes, reflect on the beauty all around you, the little things, the big things and try to re-evaluate your thoughts.  Your thoughts are the threshold to a fruitful of happiness. 

Smile, even through the pain, cry through the pain, feel the pain, love the pain then say thank you, you can leave now and move on and away from the pain as you drop it by your side leaving it behind, to never to hurt you again.  As harbouring this pain, can unleash a creature that can be stirred into a tyrant of trouble.  I had this happen a few times, then when nothing was left-all I could do was look in the mirror as I was the ONLY one left.  The pain and anger caused so much negativity that everyone HAD to walk away.  I had to learn to let go of many traumas, drama's and mud puddles, I had to look within, knowing that holding on to the negativity was cause for upset in others-and I was going nowhere.  I had to re-evaluate, re-focus, and re-vamp my whole attitude in to a Positive Equation. 

The Pick Up!

My Family is amazing.  On all four sides, my Family Picks UP.  Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones.  I really do hope with the all means of my heart, all and everyone can be as lucky as our family, with our Pick Up Nature.  Family like most relationships are a lot of work.  Nourishing relationships can be more then tricky sometimes, sometimes off setting; sometimes overwhelming.  Though with some, perhaps a family is the people that surround them, the companions they share time with, a family member, your neighbour may be your closest tie and bond.  Whomever your family is, I hope that comfort, peace, acceptance, health, healing and love is in and amongst your grasp.  The Pick Up is about being their, in heart and range, even through change.

The Pick Up, is how my family structure seems to work.  I grew up with it and understand it only because it is done out of one simple ingredient-LOVE! Simply, the pick up is where one falls-the other Picks Up.  The pieces may be broken, the other Picks Up.  Not by any means every single piece, but picks up any small jagged piece capable only of the Pick Up.  This allows room for GROWTH, ABUNDANCE, CALM, PEACE, ACCEPTANCE and of course CHANGE to move ahead. 

The Pick Up is about REACING OUT.  The reasoning and nature of this is effortless, if one hurts then we hurt.  The Pick up is meant and given because of and for the love a Family.  If someone looks blue, worried, tired someone Picks Up-reaches out.  When one falls, the OTHER picks up.  Not overly or in any grand form, just enough to allow for some relief.  RELIEF is the Outcome when someone picks up.  RELIEF is VITAL for any amount of strain on a whole and GLOBALLY.

I personally believe the pick up works tremendously.  What it is, is Team Effort!  If one person on a B-Ball team is hurt the other picks up.  THAT IS the sense, miracle and MAGIC that comes from a family pick up.  That is where Miracles occurs. To be any part of that source of Miracle in any shape is not only riveting, it can be contagious full of positive HOPE of Reliance and Acceptance.  It can be so contagious that it is not only seen within the family, it then REACHES OUT globally to a un surpassing VICOTORY.  The game is Won!  *NOT a Numbers Win*  Purely it is a win of surviving, thriving through heart and love and any amount of change or obstacle, to see each other to the Finishing Line.  Then becoming stronger still.  Pattering slowly over time where in the end-everyone is a winner.

Another example I can see is at a restaurant.  The team and family then becomes The Pick Up.  If someone is sick, one miraculously picks up.  If a member of  "the family restaurant team" is having a bad day, blundering through it-a miracle again occurs, Someone then reaches out to the PICK UP.  Customers become a big part of the pick up.  Lets say a regular comes in, the same time, picks the same table, orders the same meal.  If that customer is upset, it may effect the compounds of that restaurant-if there is a Pick Up of --reaching out--, all troubles can then and will wash away.

That is the Miracle of humanity and the Magic of being part of anything.  Showing value in and for that customer is the Miracle and comfort of a family.  We Pick Up, merely to continue on, go on, trek along, and having a helping hand in Looking UP is all that is needed.  That is a miracle of surrendering to love, friendship and loyalty within the family Pick UP.  Though it is NOT a tea for tat or an *IOU* It is from the heart simply, with out any EXPECTATIONS!!!!  Nothing is expected within a Pick up Family nor is it returned, you can not give back a "heart" gesture.

I have my Family on all four sides, I am not sure how other families thrive and survive-each family is personally valued!

I do know one thing-- every-- single person in any form of family IS NEEDED, WANTED, LOVED, and VITAL for the family to allow growth and change.  Reaching out and Picking UP is a source of comfort, and appreciation. 

IF WE can then try to look at OUR Cities, Towns, Neighbourhoods, Nation and the World as Family Pick up....I believe that Peace, Trust, Friendship, Acceptance, Healing and Abundance is possible for all the World SIMPLY.  The pick up works from looking within, then outwards only.